Horribly Unjustified

I just wrote this, tonight. Enjoy it, because I certainly did... and almost scared myself silly.

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Horribly Unjustified

I... didn't know how long I was sleeping. For all I had known, the pitch black space that enveloped my eyes could have been there for years. From my delirious memories, I was being hospitalized. I... I think I fell, or I hit something. I couldn't see anything after that. Honestly, I thought I had died. Fortunately, somehow... I was thinking in the disturbing peace that quickly followed. I couldn't move the muscles in my body at the time. If I still had a body... but I could think.

I opened my eyes, but I was still trapped in darkness. I struggled- wait. I do have a body... That means I'm alive, doesn't it? This... container I was in was very sturdy. I flung my arms in whichever I could to get out. Luckily, it didn't take very long to find a soft spot in this plastic bag or something as I heard a tearing sound. I had to close my eyes, because the light was painful. I took my left arm out of the hole it created and widened the gap using both arms.

It was dawn when my eyes saw daybreak from the X days, months, or years of my coma. Whatever had happened to me after that day, I would never know. It wasn't because I had gotten amnesia or had become highly tranquilized. There was an atmospheric silence. However, from the dark green walls and the rotten stench surrounding me... Was this a dumpster?

I looked out of the dumpster, up into the sky. Well, what would have been the sky, if it weren't for the sky scrappers that hogged the rustling, polluted air for themselves. I could hear the slow tumbling of newspaper scraps blowing against the wind, hitting the concrete streets. Wind chimes could be faintly heard. Other than that, there was no bustling of the cars, no conversations of people, no televisions emitting advertisements.

Why is it so quiet?

I got up from my resting place. I hadn't used my legs in the X days, months, or years of my coma, so standing up had become awkward. At first I stumbled in the need of physical therapy. I landed on a pile of large bags. No... I was in a dumpster full of those bags. I didn't understand, until I looked at the bag I had come out of. It was the same as the rest.

Were of all the bags... people? Then I was dead... ?

My eyes froze at this amazing, terrorizing display. I backed away the best I could, considering that I had trouble walking. My feet wanted to move away, but the only thing to step on was the bags. However, whenever I had put my weight on them, whatever was inside was squishy, yet somewhat firm... like flesh. The back of my ankle hit the opening edge of the dumpster, and I felt over onto the dirt.

The fall had been more beneficial than harmful. Even though my fall was excruciatingly painful, the burning sensation had returned my body's senses to how they are supposed to be. I was more awake than I had been before, but I should have kept my eyes closed. I just so happened to be staring at the edge of the dumpster I had fallen off of. The rim of the dumpster... the outer shell of the dumpster was bathed in dry blood.

Someone dragged all of these bodies here. The things in the bags were undoubtedly dead people... and the person who did it has done a splendid job making sure they could fit as many people as possible in the dumpster. If I didn't know any better, I could even say they liked it.

The blood didn't end there. The ground was soaked in a trail of it. I stood up again, looking around for anything else out of the ordinary. However, there was only the dumpster, and the trail of blood. The only thing I could do was follow it... but was it the right thing to do? Someone... or something, may have dragged all of the bodies into the dumpster, and since all of the people-

Wait. If... "all of the people" were alive... shouldn't this trail of blood have been cleaned up? Why was it dry? Does that mean...

Everyone's dead? Oh... oh, no...

I was shaking uncontrollably. What am I going to do? I am only one person... versus the person- no... the thing that killed everyone? In a city... of millions of people? What city I was in exactly doesn't matter, right now. All I know, is that I'm alone. Well... not really. If the human bodies I stepped were still fleshy, then they hadn't fully decomposed. That means, that all of these mysterious things happened recently. So... the thing that killed everyone is still lurking around.

Oh, god. I have to hide. No- wait. There's no point. Sooner or later, that thing is going to find my bag torn open, so it'll know that I'm alive. I can't take it with me, either, because since it stacked the bodies so neatly, they must been keeping count, or something. That, or I'll have to carry a noisy plastic bag that will just reveal where I am. Even if it sounds unreasonable, the fact is that I'm still the only person alive in this city.

I need a weapon. Now that I think about it, I've never fired a gun in my life, but if it means that I'll get a chance to live if that thing comes to attack me, then it's worth whatever I've got. Uugh, I just remembered... I don't know what city I'm in, much less where the heck I can find a store dedicated to selling guns. I looked around for something close by. I needed something for a weapon. It had to be sturdy.

The trail of blood was the only "mark" I had, so I had to stay close to it. Where it went: I would find out after I managed to find a weapon of some sort. There was a lot of fences that caged anyone out of people's private property, but it didn't really matter anymore, since those people were probably in bags or were left for dead elsewhere. Oh, that's right. Why I am looking outside? I should just trying going inside someone's house to find a gun. I looked for a door, found one-

The door was split open. I decided to look at the houses with more depth. Oh... my god. All of the doors: smashed open. Every window in sight: shattered. Okay... Going into someone's house was out of the question. Dammit... this thing was very thorough when it killed everyone. Speaking of through, it probably made sure that if anyone lived, it wouldn't be possible for any real resistance. That was when I realized: It would be impossible to find a gun. Fine... whatever. A lead pipe will do. Anything is better than my fists.

I took a heavy breath, trying to bring things back into perspective. I needed to stay sane if I wanted to live through this. Now wasn't the time go screaming to the world, and get myself killed by the thing for not staying quiet. I didn't have any damned options, because the thing already took them away. I know... I don't have physical proof, but to me, I think seeing every door and window broken and every person I've seen so far being put in bags is all of the proof I need. My only option... was follow the trail of blood.

I became... I don't know, a mix of emotions. Foolish, afraid, brave, angry, depressed, happy, and hopeful. I felt foolish, but brave for trying to live. I was afraid, because my own, pathetic, human power was the only thing I could depend on. I was depressed, because I had just realized I had lost the ability to speak... Apparently, my coma made me mute. I was a bit happy, because I was still alive, compared to the unfortunate fate received by all of the other people in this city. I was hopeful, because... If I did this right... even if there was a one in a trillion chances that I could live through this... the fact would be that I lived. That my life was the thing that the thing couldn't take away from me.

I stopped walking, and I looked up at the building before me. This was... a hospital. It spanned two blocks, and soared seven floors. Why was the trail of blood going in the hospital? As I closed in on the building, it was typical that the double sliding door had been busted. I had to go in... I was getting this feeling that the thing that killed everyone came from the hospital. What the hell, seriously? This was like something that came from an over melodramatic movie about zombies. At the same though, it was horrible, because I wasn't dreaming.

There was a dumpster nearby, and who'da guessed? There were bags in it. This was grotesque... I couldn't barely stare at it before thinking I would vomit and cry simultaneously. Every dumpster in the city must have people in them... Regardless, I had to keep in mind that I had to stay sane. Yeah... maybe sanity is over-rated, but in this case, it's the only that's keeping me from death other than thinking reasonably to myself.

The trail of blood didn't go into the elevator, so I expect that the thing was more a beast of some kind... some shameless monster that thinks it's funny to kill millions of people. The blood went up the stairs in a gruesome fashion. I was too afraid to take the elevator, plus... what if it was waiting? Elevator shafts are perfect places for people to hide. Monsters included.

Okay... Up the stairs, I went. I just had to follow the blood, and I would hopefully be more safe than if I strayed off of it. It sounds stupid, I know... but I didn't a choice. The monster was a lot smarter than I gave it credit for. All of the lights in the hospital were dead... except the ones that led into the hallways where the blood on the white tiles was thick and plenty.

That was it. I'm being led. Remember that dumpster by the hospital? Well, I don't know if I thought it or not, but there was no blood on the sides of the dumpster. And, I know there's more than two dumpsters in this city. None of those must have had trails of blood, either, because I got to the hospital by following one trail, not hundreds. And it just so happens that I'm in the dumpster where the trail starts? This entire... ploy's... been planned. It's the perfect crime, because the thing got away with it at such a huge scale.

If I go back... they'd probably know, and kill me... I can't go back. I don't know what was making me willing keep going, because as I got higher up the hospital floors, the blood got thicker. I don't know... My feet just kept moving. The blood stopped on the fifth floor, in the seventh room to the right. Dumbfounded, and stunned by fear, I opened the door... the only door that was not destroyed. This was... my room. The thing put pictures up of me, seriously injured when I first came to the hospital. There were also X-rays of my body, and brain scans. I also saw the bracelet that hospitals give to patients with my name on it... and on the nightstand next to the bed was my ID card.

I shouldn't have looked to my right. There was the window... unbroken, but open. I looked outside, and stared at the landscape. There were... bloody letters painted on the buildings.

I began to cry... this... isn't fair...

WHO DIES FIRST? YOU OR US?

Wow, that was neat (sorry for the diminiuitive praise :P). I agree, creepy. A couple of notes (things that just sounded "off", right or wrong...)

Hidden information: Quote: X days, months, or years of my coma Using "X" is awkward like this, and you use this phrase not once, but twice. Perhaps "for an unknown length of time". Also, how does he know (so early on) that he was in a coma? Did it just come to him? Quote: At first I stumbled in the need of physical therapy I backed away the best I could, considering that I had trouble walking Lawl. This isn't usually a thought people have; it's part of the understood (if someone had a coma, they need physical therapy) but unstated. It's the same (but not as bad) as saying "I felt lightheaded, because the anemic quality of my red blood cells travelling throughout my circulatory system were incapable of transporting enough oxygen to my brain." He wouldn't know that kind of detail, nor use it. Same with the second sentence; this is (now) understood, that he has trouble walking. Maybe put some action-phrase in there instead? ("I backed away as best I could, stumbling and tripping in fear.") Quote: The fall had been more beneficial than harmful. Even though my fall was excruciatingly painful... Meh... For one, I doubt this guy would've felt (or even said) "excruciatingly painful". I mean, it's not that painful (yes, falling out of a dumpster, possibly landing on your head, could hurt a lot... But it's a different kind of pain, one which would not be classified as "excruciating" unless you broke something.) Maybe start like "Fortunately, my fall did more good than harm. Even though it sent a spasm of pain up my [insert body part, prob. arm], the starburst of pain served to wake me up..." ? Quote: If I didn't know any better, I could even say they liked it. Lawl, how could he possibly get to that kind of conclusion? Quote: Someone... or something, may have Use "must" instead of "may". It's not ambiguous that there are bodies in Dumpsters. :P Quote: Everyone's dead? Oh... oh, no... Hmm... Personal Opinion here, but I think that the impact of this point could be heightened by not explicitly stating it; instead, remove "everyone's dead?" and squish the "oh... oh no..." up to the paragraph above it. Leave it up to the reader's imagination (which is an infinitely better tool. :P). Quote: Oh, god. I have to hide. No- wait. There's no point. Sooner or later, that thing is going to find my bag torn open, so it'll know that I'm alive. I can't take it with me, either, because since it stacked the bodies so neatly, they must been keeping count, or something. That, or I'll have to carry a noisy plastic bag that will just reveal where I am. Hmm, I didn't know they were "stacked neatly"; your first paragraph seems to imply them being stuffed in there randomly (even, packed down as much as possible). So him thinking it could "keep count" or something sounds a tad ridiculous... "Bag torn open" is a valid problem, as is "carrying big/noisy bag = unlikely". Well, he could wrap the bag around another person/bag... Quote: Even if it sounds unreasonable, the fact is that I'm still the only person alive in this city. "Fact"? Who knows? He could say "as far as I can tell" (or rather, "as far as I could tell"), or maybe "all evidence of life was vanished, as ephemeral as the mist/night/___". Meh? Quote: this thing was very through It's "thorough". Quote: I can find a store dedicated to selling guns. Meh, phraseology is... odd. "I can find a gun store"? Quote: I became... I don't know, a mix of emotions. Again, the impact could be heightened by describing this instead of "first-personing" it (don't know how to describe it... and now I realize that maybe this viewpoint was intentional): i.e. "A mix of conflicting emotions roiled within me", or something like that. Quote: If I go back... they'd probably know, and kill me... I can't go back ... How would they know? How could he think/know they would know? Also, "kill me" is another unstated objective (like, it's obvious, so I wouldn't say it). Perhaps his 'rationalization' for not going back is instead the fear of not knowing. I mean, man is insatiably curious, and what else is he gonna do? If he goes back (to where, mind you), he'll never find out where this trail of blood leads. He could run away, but who knows how long he'd survive, or even if there's a safe haven in the entire world (he might be wondering about whether this was just a city-wide genocide, or even worldwide.). Etc.

And I'm sorry; I'm not sure I "got" the end (if it was to be "gotten", of course). So was it like, the thing(s) that killed all those people was indeed waiting for the Survivor-guy, but only to see if he would survive (or if he would kill them)?? Or... I'm not sure.

However, I like it. Nice short-story, with just the right amount of ambiguity to leave the reader in suspense.

I am in complete agreement with Kyrbi0 here... I didn't really quite understand the ending.
I mean, yeah, the way it is does leave it a bit open for interpretation and all that shnaz, but I think that if there is some fundamental truth I'm supposed to understand I didn't quite get it.

A bit of ambiguity here:
Do you really mean "they?" Up until now you've only referred to the 'monster' as a singular being, and there is apparently nothing else in the world...

Aside from that, the story was quite good (to use a bland word), and I definitely like the creepiness of it. For some reason it reminds me very much of how I would imagine the 'character' in Portal thought throughout the game.

The only thing I would change (I mean, the only "big" thing) is to make sure that the "monster" is, if possible, more ambiguous. I've always liked it when the antagonist was some kind of malevolent force; it makes regular creatures seem darn mundane in comparison. In fact, it's often awexome to have kind of a chain-of-command going; like the evil going on is due to this evil entity, but he works through other, corporeal beings (that are unspeakably evil themselves).

But meh, maybe that's just me and Warcraft. :P (Mal'Ganis (evil) -> Tichondrius (really evil) -> Archimonde/Kil'jaedan (demonlord evil) -> Sargeras (evil shaper of universe!?))

Oh, neat. Thanks for the comments, you guys.

I was writing this quite fast, because I was afraid of losing my train of thought. I'm glad that you guys spent your time reading this.

@Kyrbi0; first time
See? I would've never managed to think of those questions for myself. Haha.
I will look into this, and think of ways to change them accordingly.

@Pyrogasm
Argh, and I thought that I hadn't done that... I didn't want to make the assumption that the antagonist in this story was a he or she, because the main character doesn't know. Thus, I tried to keep it close to non-sex based nouns for the villain. Apparently, even though I tried my best, I still slipped a plural in there. Bah. I'll change that right now...

@Kyrbi0, second time
Yeah- actually, that was kind of thing I intended for, but I guess I didn't make it vague enough to not know what the thing is, but enough so that we would know that there's a much greater force pulling the strings.

Hmm... The way that I was thinking about how the character knows that he/she used to be in a hospital is kind of due to my own experience of having a major injury. The only thing that I remembered was that I was going to the hospital (my sister was in the ambulance), but everything afterward is blank. I woke up about a week later (my mom was there, and told me).

By the way, since your editing material is so long, I'll just quote you.

When was thinking about how the character interprets himself (he, she, anything's better than it) being in a long state of slumber, he doesn't exactly remember, and I wanted to make his way of thinking youthful, so the best thing I came up with was that what you see. I'm pretty sure there's a better way... Maybe I should skip the X altogether and leave it as "within the days, weeks, or months of my coma-". I did it twice for repetition (a useful tool if done correctly).

Great. You laugh, and it makes me laugh, too. You're right, I guess; the common person doesn't think like that on a daily basis.

I don't remember much about the second part. I'll look it over and keep it in mind.


That is totally my fault. I was trying to avoid a dead word. I guess I tried too hard. X_X

At the time I was writing, I was thinking, "The character would think this because the thing had planned everything ahead of time." But- maybe it's just out of place, because wondering if the thing had strategically masterminded the death of the entire city is mentioned later, not now (as in, when he thinks this in the story). Or... maybe I don't remember it as well as I think I do...

Okay: you win. I think you're right, because "must" is more absolute than "may".

Argh... I tried that, actually, and didn't like it. "Oh... Oh no," just sounded so obscenely corny by itself, but "everyone's dead?" sounded so clueless and makes the character sound too ignorant for his own good.

Yeah, about the "stacked neatly" thingy there: I was going to go back and change the beginning so that the character discovered that he and the other people in the bags were placed in an organized fashion. Obviously, I got lazy. X_X

I was questioning this part as I was writing, too, so you're not alone. When it came to deciding whether the character was going to bring the bag with him or not, I had to make an excuse to make him not take it (I have a pretty pathetic one, right now), because he had every reason to. It's the perfect decoy, because if the thing truly knows that it's missing from the dumpster, then he has something to buy time with. Reason: It makes noise. It's better than hearing just his footsteps.

But, I had to think about the cons of having with him, which came to carrying a plastic bag around. I guess I was thinking too far when it got to the point where he could no longer take it with me (obstacles) or he lost it. Uh... I think I'll just edit that part severely.

Extra note: I just realized that "it" is referring to the bag that the character came out of, not the thing.

I was thinking about that, too. He's speculating that everyone is dead; there's no actual proof that everyone actually died, like he was there to see it happen. He only knows that a lot of people have died... what if they're not even dead in the truest sense of the word? I didn't want to turn this story into a retarded zombie fest, so: they're dead.

This gets me every, single time...

Once again, trying to avoid dead words...

Yes, it was intentional. He felt so many emotions welling up at the same time and picked them one at a time, but he isn't sophisticated enough to describe them as a whole (in part, true for me, too).

Note to self: No more stating rhetorical statements.

Okay, so "going back" doesn't exactly describe where he could go back, but there's one place where he could go back to. And, because this story takes place in one sitting, I didn't think that it would be difficult to figure out. Then again, there really is no place to go back to... Oh well. My fault. I'll see what I can do.

It was going to eventually get to that: the main character- once he had proof that everyone in the city was dead, would wonder if this was increased to a world-wide scale. After all, he doesn't know how long he's been sleeping.

Huh, I didn't even notice that (shame on me). I just assumed it was a middle-aged caucasian male. (wonder why?... :P)

Hmm... Well, the only way I can think of to do that is to have something going on that could only be explained by a "greater force". Like, people ripped apart = some creature, but people turned inside out = something quite different. Or maybe time is frozen, or things are floating around, etc.

Ah. Well then of course, you're our resident expert on this kind of thing. :P

Editing Material Quote: When was thinking about how the character interprets himself (he, she, anything's better than it) being in a long state of slumber, he doesn't exactly remember, and I wanted to make his way of thinking youthful, so the best thing I came up with was that what you see. I'm pretty sure there's a better way... Maybe I should skip the X altogether and leave it as "within the days, weeks, or months of my coma-". I did it twice for repetition (a useful tool if done correctly). 1. Oh wait, is he, like, a teenager or something? That would change a bunch of stuff I said... 2. Yeah, I think you should skip saying "X", just sounds off. Also (again?), how does he know he was in a coma? Does he remember right beforehand? At the time I was writing, I was thinking, "The character would think this because the thing had planned everything ahead of time." But- maybe it's just out of place, because wondering if the thing had strategically masterminded the death of the entire city is mentioned later, not now (as in, when he thinks this in the story). Or... maybe I don't remember it as well as I think I do... Quote: Argh... I tried that, actually, and didn't like it. "Oh... Oh no," just sounded so obscenely corny by itself, but "everyone's dead?" sounded so clueless and makes the character sound too ignorant for his own good. Actually, I agree; it does sound corny. Maybe even "Is everyone... oh, oh no...". (although that sounds corny, too.) Not sure what to tell ya. :/ Quote: bag issues Maybe make it so he rips it a whole bunch trying to get out, or it gets ripped as he climbs out of the dumpster. (i.e. ripped so much it no longer would serve to hide him or anything else useful.) Quote: It was going to eventually get to that: the main character- once he had proof that everyone in the city was dead, would wonder if this was increased to a world-wide scale. After all, he doesn't know how long he's been sleeping. Good point. Although he probably wouldn't have "proof" everyone died before he left (would he check every corner of the huge city? Time/food/etc).

I wouldn't say he was a teenager. I think that would make the main character too young (and too inexperienced and naive). He's probably in his elder 20's. Well, I suppose the main character knowing that he has a coma is foreshadowing- another story to be told, but isn't specifically relevant to the story at hand.

Yeah, I know. "Everyone's dead? Oh... Oh no..." I think that can be changed... I just need different words to express the same thing, but with the unintended corniness removed.

You're probably right. It's better if I make some reasonable excuse so that taking the bag is out of the question in the first place.

Oh, yeah... I never got to that. Food, huh... Anyway, his "adventure" would eventually lead him into who's behind it, how they did it so perfectly, and why it happened. Is the survivor the only remainder of humanity? That's for me to know, and you to think about. X_X