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All for Nothing....

04-18-2009, 01:14 PM#1
Frostic
Underseige
Hidden information:
"Bombs overhead" I shouted as the barrages continued over the rough battle field, our trench had fortifications and defences enough to hold
back the evil creatures that we humans called the Cyreans. "General, we cannot hold much longer order a tactical retreat or something!"
One of my Commrades yelling at me with fear. "Only in death our souls will retreat anyway you know the code of rules!" I yelled at him, he fired his gun faster into the gathering crowds of enemies.
I grabbed a missle launcher and fired one right into the middle of one their battlions, arms and legs went flying everywhere, thier greenish blood splattered into my face. This battle had already been raging on for days, the promised reinforcements never came, i suppose they don't won't to sacifice more troops for this planet.
BOOOOOM! A rocket just hit our trench, i began to feel very tired very tired, i fell to the ground, the pitch black darkness of sleep shrouded my eyes, i had fallen asleep on the battle...... I suppose that is the worst thing you could do on the battlefield, lie down and go to sleep....

Somethings not right
Hidden information:
I woke up the next day, with a huge headacke, and found my self in a tube filled with this blueish goo,
thing i saw many others in different tubes the only things outside were Cyreans. They must have been studying us, but i sure did not wan't to know their real purpose.
Still it was my duty to defend humanity and Earth, i felt the tubes material, Jaggerian Crystal,
i could break through that easy! i put my two fist together like a monkey and smashed the crystal. I looked around for armour weapons something! I found the perfect thing! A Battlesuit! They won't know its me plus i use its weapons to kill'em.
Perfect two in one! i walked around their installation hoping to find an exit but in few hours i knew this installation would be miles after miles or i would have been walking in circles.
Soon i got sick of being lost, i searched for maps of the installation, "And guess what i found" i whispered to myself, a terminal, it was in english though, i thought to myself, I know why their technology allows the user to see its words in thier laguange!
I felt a stabbing pain in my leg and found a metal piece stuck right in thier but it didn't look like shrappnel. 'What is it?' I wondered.

Time to crash the party Yeeehawww
Hidden information:
I tore it out, a micro bot, i knew they were testing something on humans still i didn't know what, so the best bet was to start destroying things.
This Battlesuit had a chaingun, two misslepacks and flamethrower oh don't forget partical LAZOR!
i began to fire wildly into anywhere, huge explosion noices and the chaingun roaring,
i found out being in one of these was quite fun untill of corse all the ammo ran out. I exited the suit and began to run for the holes in the roof,
i must have been on the top floor.
I still had my wrist watch, i climbed on top of the roof and called in a transport, it came down fire guns into the installation but before we knew it a missle came from behind and blew the heck out of it,
but that was the end for me, the crash of the ship flew into me same with all the other flying debris. One thing i did know, i was sent into a sucide mission.........
04-19-2009, 03:43 AM#2
Kyrbi0
So... How old are you, again?
04-19-2009, 03:47 AM#3
Frostic
Why do you ask??????
04-19-2009, 03:49 AM#4
Kyrbi0
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frostic
??????
^This.

I ask because of the form which your writing takes. It does not strike me as particularly... 'adept'.
04-19-2009, 05:40 AM#5
RenegadeMushroom
I don't want to sound harsh or anything, but..you really should improve your grammar :P
To be quite blunt, it's not good, the concept is good, but the way you executed it is bad. I'll give you an example of the first one spruced up and with better grammar:
Under Seige

"Bombs overhead!!" I shouted as the barrages continued over the wastelands that were the battle field, our trenches had fortifications and defences enough to hold back the terrible creatures that we called the Cyreans. "General, we cannot hold out much longer! We need to retreat, our forces are spreading thin!" I yelled, looking at the corpses around me, with blood everywhere, surrounding me, the grisly sight fill me with dread.
One of my comrades was yelling at me with definate fear in his voice. "Only in death our souls will retreat!" (I can't tell if its a different person talking, my apologies if it isn't)
"You know the code of rules!" I yelled at him, he continued firing his gun into the huge crowd of enemy forces. It was hopeless, and we knew it.
I grabbed a missle launcher and fired one right into the middle of one their battlions, arms and legs went flying everywhere, thier greenish blood splattered into my face. This battle had already been raging on for days, the promised reinforcements never came, I suppose they didn't want to sacrifice more troops for this planet.
BOOOOOM! A rocket hit our trench with an ear shattering explosion. I began to feel tired, so very tired....
I fell to the ground, the relief and darkness of sleep washed over me, my eyes shrouded. I had fallen asleep on the battlefield, I suppose that is the worst thing you could do in that situation, lie down and go to sleep....


That's more like what I would of written, make sure you make it clear what you are trying to say as well.
Hope I helped :P
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NOTE: I'm not saying that I can write perfectly, or even write good at all, but I'm just showing a better way to do it.