Story, i want comments.

Well im a map maker and i am making a new RPG called LoC - Lands of Chaos and i have made a story to go with it but i need to find out if people like it or not and if i can change anything... well here it is:

A long time ago in the lands of Saranan, There were 8 little childs, all who had
special abilities. The one of them was abandoned as a child, and no one liked to go
around him. His powers were the greatest of all though, when he was about 7 years old he
left the town of (not yet named) and travelled the surrounding lands. After a few years,
all of the childrens powers grew even greater and some began to change in apperances.
The child who left the town met a great warrior, this great warrior wasnt great because
of the things he has done to help people, but the things he has done to destroy people.
The warrior looked at the child and thought that the child could help him out
in his path to becoming the greatest evil there ever was. The little boy was already
turning evil so he thought that if he joined him and he became the greatest evil there
ever was then the boy could backstabbed him and take his place. After about a year they
had killed the king of the town that the children grew up in, they were considered the
most evil in the land. The childs apperance was changed so much that no one had recognized
him. They had began to get followers and minions, then the boy backstabed the warrior.
All of the minions of theres just carried on on what they were doing, making it seem
like they had never even known that the warrior was gone. The child was then on known
as The Lord of Evil, or as his right hand minions knew him karanthor.
The other children had been working on there skills and were going to avenge
their kings death, when they found the news from their queen that the sieges that had been
going on and the murderur of the king was from the little boy that had left town a couple
years ago. They were outraged and promised the queen that they would kill him and destroy
all of the forces of darkness. From that day on they practiced there skills every day,
they also perfected the art of killing, all in a different way.
Soon the forces of darkness were getting to strong for the city to handle, and
it was taking to long for the heroes to train. The city was destroyed and all that was left
was supplies. The townsfolk took all the supplies they had and headed out for a new place
to set up the city. When they had set up a camp, the queen ordered the warriors to go
out and slay the forces. She told them that if they would sucseed in this task that they
would become the greatest heroes ever and have any peice of land they desire, any amount
of gold they wish, anything they wanted. ........So the journey begins.

That will be in the cinimatics and then you will start playing, please feel free to put any comments you want good or bad.

8 Children? Sounds interesting enough, should come out to be a fine RPG.

thanks and well is there anything that you think should be added. Like deatails or anything, or maybe leaving out something?? would also like more comments... since there is only one.

a little too complicated for an intro, leaving nothing for the actual game story.
btw is it a campaign or single map?

well it is going to start out as a single map... but i dont know if i should make it a campaign or not.. if people like the map when it is finished i will make a campaign out of it. I also have a story for the game... and it has alot more then the begining... but if you think it is to much what should i take off?

i would make it a campaign...as it has a story...and most single maps have a story but a simple story...with a campaign you can never end your limits....you can make it as long as you want, as short as you want...even though you wouldnt be able to play with other people im sure it would be a pretty damn good campaign...

I'm gonna go with Pyrus - you should take some of that and put it in the actual game. Specifically, the revelation that it's one of the kids' old buddies that has turned evil could be good in-game. The subplot about the kid joining up with the warrior and turning evil and backstabbing him would make a good brief flashback.

I'm not sure what I think of your starting with 7 heroes, all of whom have perfected the art of death - it's gonna be an RPG-ish game, right? You're going to need fewer starting characters, at a lower level of mastery, so they have someplace to go, things to learn, and people to meet.