A quick story... grammar Nazi's welcome!!!

Proloug

The King sat by the window looking down upon the courtyard of the castle. This night, a light rain and soft thunder was filling the air. In his chamber, a humid musky smell was in the air, like a basement with old wood. The King loved nights like this, peaceful and cool, it was a perfect night to have a talk with his only son.

"My child, you are my only heir. Together we are all that is left of our Family name." The King said, and looked at his son, who was sitting on his lap with this head on the King's shoulder.
"When your mother beared you, she became very sick." He said, with a slower and deeper voice. "By a gift from the gods, you were delivered to us in good health, and her life was spared as well".

The son looked at his father, with eager eyes. He had never heard such a harsh thing about himself, or his mother before.

"My child, your mother can no longer bear any children, you were the first and the last our children." He continued, his voice staying deep, but hopeful. "You have a great legacy, my brother and my sister were great Heroes of the last Elven War, together they secured this great kindom you see outside. They died for you, my Son, in battle, so that one day you could become King."

The son had his eyes wide with bewilderment, as he listened to his father. He was five years old and in the next, he would be brought to the great sages of the Court of the King to begin his initial training in the art of Magic.

"Son, our family is small and our heritage is at stake. One day you must recreate our proud and powerful bloodline." The son heard the words and he felt a pain in his heart, he knew a lot was expected of him and he wanted to make his father proud.

The King then picked up his son and stood him next to his chair, and then got up himself. Staring out the window as it was being padded by soft rain, the King continued. "There are some who think they know what will happen, some who talk of a dark time our race will endure, some who were wrong before and probably wrong.." The King stopped for a moment before silently uttering "now." He looked down at his son, who was still wide eyed and eager to learn more. The King had drank several mugs of his finest Stout that evening, and was well prepared to tell more to his Son.

Reaching for the mug and taking another long swig, the King continued. "The same who say we will not have peace with the elves in my lifetime, are the same who were wrong about humanity in the first place. Nay, We were not meant to have all this, the lands of Oor, Gona, Selina... yet they lie in comfort under the control of the Royal Armies." The King's voice became more firm, having assured himself. "We faced so much, we had everything against us, yet we endured, and we.. we prevailed my Son."

The King sat down, his legs feeling better and he picked up his Son again and set him on his lap again. He looked at his son, and his son looked back "They said, that we would never even get you your favorite pony." said the king, as he presented a quick grin. The son smiled, and again rested his head against his fathers shoulder. Slowly the the King turned his head and looked out the window as a loud thunder eminated throughout the castle.

"While our race is full of proud and arrogant people, we have come far my Son. The houses of our kindom hold onto their knowelge of magic more dearly than they do their own lives." The Son was listening carefully again. "Your grandfather the late King Peter II, tried his hardest to get our people to give up their knowledge for our Royal House. Our dungeons were full of our Kin for many years under his reign, and we learned nothing." His voice turned quieter, and he tilted his head up a little bit as he looked into the sky and silently repeated "nothing."

His voice grew a little stronger again as he continued "Your grandfather was the most hated King, even my Father was glad to see him pass. Myself.. I think he just didn't torture them enough but it is too late for those kinds of tests, we are a nation at war." His voice was firm again, he reached for his mug and drank another giant swig of his favorite Stout.

"We need every soldier we have to fight for us, we need every advantage we can get. The age of Starlight armor has passed, even the gods did turn against us and lifted the great gift away. My son, in the coming year you must study all you can, you must learn all you can from your Elders, our family is the greatest of the Mages in our Kindom, our House is the greatest of houses and you are the only Heir to the throne." He was speaking a little faster, with a hint of seriousness and desperation in his voice. "Son, you are my only hope."

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This is part of the story I plan on telling with an upcoming campaign. My 2nd project, "Black Passage: The Garden", which is a part of the story, is almost done and I'm wondering what you all think of this short intro.

You have some issues with repetition, but otherwise decent. You ARE a little obsessed with how loud/deep a father's voice is. Find another way to refer to the king's drink.

Be creative in how you refer to the king's son. Also, there can only be one heir to a throne so saying that his son is the only heir doesn't exactly mean anything.

actually, thats wrong.
There is only one CURRENT heir to the throne.
If he is the only one, then if both the king and he are killed, the crown will be passed on to another family.
Therefore he is the ONLY heir to the throne and is Vital to the survival of the kingdom.
(Just a casual corection)
-Garith

Too read didn't long... *hiccup*

What, do we need a literature forum now? I realize this is an off-topic forum, but damn, it IS a war3 community, folks.

I consider the storyline to be a valid component of a map or I would've moved this. If your attention span is too short for a good read, do the intelligent thing and keep quiet.

Hohoho, don't have your opinion about me ready too soon, laddy. :) My attention span may be larger than you think, yet perhaps I just had to toss a web-term into my post.

The storyline is a VERY important part of a map, yes. I agree with that. Yet, isn't this more suited for 'maps in development'?

The story itself, meh.. it's not my style, so I won't give a biased opinion about it.

Obviously, your... 'large' attention span was never applied during english lessons.

Like I said, if you don't have an opinion to give, keep quiet.

Yea, pretty good, like th15 said it would be a good idea to name his son, so you dont have to constantly refer him as "son". Anyway the general plotline looks pretty solid, some good backstory, should make an interesting map.

Thanks for the replies, especially th15 for the grammar corrections. I'll fix the grammar for when I put out something more "official" on my website.

Oh noez, don't pick on the dutch guy's english. You're breaking my heart. :)

I have an opinion to give right now, but it's more of a personal issue towards you, after hearing all that. :god_help_us: Noone, absolutely noone, tells me to keep quiet while actually expecting me to listen to them. ;)

Love,

Chon.