My Suicide

English is my third language, so I'm obviously having a lot of trouble writing poetry in english. But I try nonetheless. Anyways, I wrote this poem in the school bus so don't go expecting a masterpiece...

My Suicide

listen to my confession
my father, my mother
understand my decision
come and listen my brother

what is death
if not a woman in black
our mistress
beautiful and dark

I can hear her voice
singing to me
and I rejoice
at the sweet melody

she reaches out to me
pulling me from the abyss
of despair and misery
none of which I shall miss

the day of our union
draws near
to save me from oblivion
and release me from my fear

now at last
my time has come
now I shall depart
no longer, this world shall I roam

I have lost hope
life is so meaningless
so I take the rope
to join my mistress

DONT DO IT.
You got game.

whaa?

Traditional rhyme and rythem, a bit off here and there though pretty straightforward. Nothing exceptional to notice here. Idea is way beyond overused and it doesn't really grab any feelings whatsoever in me. It reminds me alot of bad teenage metal lyrics, though not maybe that bad. An acceptable effort in short, but nothing new.

Exactly my point

Well, that's what you get for writing a poem in a school bus filled with elementary school brats screaming and jumping on the seats... not to mention the bus driver shouting at them... and the middle schoolers playing stupid pranks... with the high schoolers playing the "my radio is louder than yours" game... and with the seniors bossing everyone around... and all the books and papers flying to and fro in the bus... and the chewing gum battles raging from either sides of the bus... well you get the point.
On a more serious note, thanks for the comments, although, do you have any ideas on how I could make it 'grab the feelings in you'? Because I really have no clue on how to do that...

Grabbing feelings is simple stuff. If you know how to do it you have always known how. If you don't, well then it's pretty hard stuff to learn. Though here's some hints. Try making more interesting sentances that makes the reader try to guess whats on the next line, but make it so he fails to do it and then while bringing forth a nice cozy metaphor you turn it the other way around by viewing it at a much sadder perspective in the next line and so on. For example:

God! If you can see, this is no everyday.
There are only stiffled screams,
there are only burnt bodies
hanging in red trees
Listen!
How quiet it is...

And so on.. this isn't mine, but a classical norwegian one, roughly translated into english. Much of the feeling catching goes into how you're reading it.

zer0, No. That was my point bitch, stop trying to sound profound. :P

The poem is rather nice... mhh, good job.

You should be glad you didn't have a clue on that. Especially when it has to do with suicide poems. You would be seriously suicidal if you could 'grab the feelings in you' on suicide-poems.
Got damnit I like saying suicide and suicidal.

ive been suicidal before. if youre truly feeling that way, grabbing emotion cant be hard. detail helps a lot. also, use good descriptive words, they dont nesecarily have to rhyme.

and dont force anything. just let it free fall and flow.

brilliant, make that a poem right there, but just make it sound better and more constructive...

brilliant, make that a poem right there, but just make it sound better and more constructive,
call it Round and Round, like from that song that goes wheels on the bus go round and round, because the the act of what they are doing is endless, and the cycle repeats,

dude, if you dont use this idea and your bus story, im gonna use it, if only i wasnt doing some elizabethian shakespear govt. for english, uhg, if only

I believe that inspiration has already been used in some retarded bus song.

Go ahead and use it of you want.

if he wanted to kill him self he would have done it already.