Bridge of Sorrows

This a story I made in my free time. So here is the story if u like it say any comment will be more than welcome, I would also like to apologize for any grammar made bellow... If u have any comment feel free to tell them. Story goes:

After 5 days of exausting march, Belphegor and his troops stand near the Bridge of Seas. This wast bridge was once made by the ancient Dwarfs, in the peaks of their power and glory. Now this construction of stone and metal only leaves a bitter taste of winds that pass beneath it. While his tree elf troops are preoccupied with making a new encampment, Belphegor uses some time alone to think of things that were and things that will be. He finds a spot under a large stone column, at the base of the bridge. Despite the work of cold rolling waves which gouge its base, still resembles a powerfull giant like Atlas, holding on his backs stone skeleton of this bridge. Belphegor looks at this giant statue – column.
Statue looks at Belphegor with eyes proud and brave, but sad, for the most of the statue is covered in green and slimy seaweed, as some sort of disgusting green clothing.

Belphegor starts to thinks outloud: “This statue has succumb to corruption and decay as all things in this wretched world... Even the God I trusted above all else, has become corrupted. I trusted in him as child in his childhood heroes. Foolishly.. Above all else...But he has failed me... Only a month has passed since his fall. Only a month...To me it seems as years. As hundreds...Hundreds of painfull years. All things have failed me... Damn, it's getting cloudy. Maybe rain will start.
Who knows? Why did I embark on this foolish quest? Fame? Money? These words lost all meaning long, long time ago... Friends? My one true friend is dead. He gave his life to save my life and the life I once called my love? Love? I lost my love even before I killed her. At least I gave her soul a rest. A Final rest. But my pain remains...Where does my rest lies? Where!? (twisted smile)...I know. I know why did I went on this foolish quest. I know!! Vengeance. I will destroy the One she talked about, the mysterious Source of her dark powers, the thing that burnt her soul and casted it into sin. Then once I destroy it I'll find my rest. Yes! When those who stoled her soul are dead!! They will pay!!! They must!!!” ,suddenly a bolt of energy emerges from his body and hits the statue.

Probably disturbed by this outburst of energy a elf lieutant comes and asks: “Is there any problem Mage?”
Belphegor, a bit confused, replies: “No... no, nothing just practicing. Could you leave me alone so I may continue”.
Elf lieutenant says: “As you wish”, and leaves Belphegor alone.
Belphegor examines small scar his spell left on the statue. The scar goes over the statues chest near its heart. After Belphegor has finished examining the statue he continues his strand of thoughts: “Tomorrow I will tell the men our final destination, the feared Wastelands. I know not all of them will company me on this trip, but at least I'll have a group of people I can trust. Then we will capture that Ash' Grub, he must know the true location of the source. That orc will tell me where this source is hidden, even if he had to torture him to get it. But now they must rest... And so must I... Tomorrow will come... “.
Enjoy reading

i like where this is going, if only you corrected some of your errors. They kinda got in my way of reading. There was a little to much contridictions and they kinda got me lost. Best friend...= Love? ... which = male... wait!... female...Oh. I knows its a short story, but if you changed it a little, i would of really liked it. But that's just me. The intro was fine, the body got me lost, but the conclusion was good.

Well his mind wanders from one topic to the another. He is confused. He lost almost anyone he loved and believed in, so he has to find new ways, new meanings. Well I wanted to do a psychological story, but I still need to improve my writing. Anyhow tnx for comment
BTW If u haven't figured out his friend sacrified himself so Belphegor and Tanit, Belphegor's love, could safely leave Underworld.

Ok don't know did you like the previous story or not cause there wasn't any real feedback But here is the next part anyway :P

-“Finally tomorrow has come!”: Belphegor mumbles for himself, as he gets down from his tree flat*.
Shortly a elf warrior greets him: “Good morning Mage”.
- “And a fine morning to you Eldias”, answers Belphegor, “How are other men? Are their ready for the gathering?”.
- Eldias: “They will be soon! We are just having a quick lunch. Will you care to honor us with your presence?”.
- Belphegor: “As much as I wish to I have some more important things to do.”
- Eldias, with a bit of fear in his voice: ”Not another practice, master?”
- Belphegor, with kind voice: “No, there is no more need for practicing, my powers have grown enough. But I will be in need of some maps. Could you gather some Wastelands Maps for me?”
- Eldias, worried: “You aren't planing to enter the wastelands master? Those are dangerous regions!”
- Belphegor, proudly and bitter: “As the matter of fact I am. By the way I'm aware of the danger that lies inside.”
- Eldias, astonished: “Why in the Serants** name would you do that?”
- Belphegor, angry: “Don't mention his name in my presence! He has betrayed me...”
- Eldias, interupts Belphegor : “He was only a Avatar***! He didn't betrayed you. He fought...”
- Belphegor (interupts Eldias) calmly: “Yes.Yes. You are right! My anger blinded me to a fact that Serant Eris was dying and he did try to help as much as he could. Still I hold Nature God responsible for all this. If only he...”
- Eldias, angry interupts: “...If only he...What did you expect? He certainly struggled with that Source, you keep mentioning, as long as he could. But sadly the Gods are not powerfull as they were once.”
-Belphegor, continues to argue: “ They are not as powerfull as they were. Perhaps than we should choose new Gods, that will replace those who failed us”
- Eldias: “You mean failed you? All this time you talk, how Gods failed us. But they didn't. Tree Elfs still believe in the Nature spirits, as the matter of fact, Kalitas is trying to strengthen the power of Nature, and restore the powers of the Nature god. Only one who doesn't believe in the strength of Nature is you. You blame other for your bad choices...”
- Belphegor, interupts Eldias very angry: “Fine. You believe in whatever you want, just give me the plans of Wastelands. In worst case I'll go alone.”
- Eldias, very upset: “But...Ma...As you wish”, and walks away
- Belphegor, quietly for himself: “Damn. And the day started so nicely. He might be right I've been always blaming others for my mistakes...(determined)But I have decided. I must find this Ash' Grub, that is only way to make the pain go away.”
- Eldias, interupts Belphegor in his thoughts: “ You wanted some maps, Mage. Here they are. Ma.... Nothing. I'll be on my way”
-Belphegor, absorbing the maps Eldias brought: “Yes, yes, we will see each other on the gathering.” Eldias quickly leaves Belphegor at his maps.
After studying the maps for some time, Belphegor decides to join in the elf gathering he called upon.


Should it be continued?

Yeah, i think you should continue this, its a good story, although i can name numerous spelling mistakes, but you probably wouldnt care to hear me point them out, eh?

Actually I'm more concentrated on the meaning but if u want you could PM me so the forum isn't cluttered with them

It sounds good, but you are missing a critical part in the story what can easily be found in my thread of 'If, and only if' and a bit too much there :P (I'm too fond on doing it)
The point what I am making is explaining the enviorment and the expressions of the characters. By saying, "Belphegor angry: <insert text here>" it really isn't making the expression that you are aiming for.

Take a look at this for example (Even though it's from 'If, and only if'): "So... familiar" I was able to softly speak to myself. I was out of her sight and I could only barely see her from the place I accidentally placed myself, but I could hear the tune very clearly. It was beautiful, and so familiar to my ears. Did I hear the full song elsewhere? This girl was repeating the same few tunes over and over, as if she couldn't remember the rest of the song.
--
It is pushing more on the facts of the enviorment and the general thoughts. Though it isn't the best example I can give (especially because it is of myself and I go into too far details, far too far) but it is making my point.

Tnx for suggestion I'll try to improve my writing as much as I can. You know how they say practice makes perfect. BTW I was a bit influenced by some other cinematic script i was working but it is still a poor excuse. See ya later.

Not really an excuse, it is more of something that could be added in the sentence :P
I'm not complaining either, I am waiting for it to continue.

I want to rewrite the stories so I could use it later, but i find adding more enviroment effect and expresions of the char. hard. Especially since the "es" form (narator is 3rd person). Also my English isn't that good

My English isn't that fantastic either, but it can't be too hard to constantly express the feelings of the main character you are focusing on, like "<insert name here> looks around, while pushing his finger to his lips. Softly mentioning something like 'come over here' while he kept his finger on his lips to give the gesture of being quiet."
Though I am using it too much and too long, something like that can't be too hard.

I was away( had something with my grades) but anyhow I wrote this rather fast, so there will probably be lot of gram. errors and stuff. Also I don't really like the last part but who cares, any suggestion or comment (in English of course) will be more than welcome:
Bridge of Sorrows III:
Meanwhile at the gathering.
All elfs stand around a small rock shrine – numerok. Most of them are talking of their elf brothers from Gesar and their rebelion. Most of them are chattering happily how will they help them in their fight. They all looking very excited except Eldias. He is the only one who knows that men aren't going to Gesar, to help their brothers, in their fight. Instead they are going to Wastelands. Wastelands, which very name, strikes fear into the heart of tree elfs. Of course he didn't tell them of their true destination, he will let Belphegor tell them. Besides, it was his idea.
Belphegor soon arrives.
He stands in the center of the group. He sees them all chattering happily, except for Eldias. Only few elfs notice Belphegor and greet him. Seeing them happy he reconsiders his decision once more. But a voice inside pushes him to continue. He addresses the group in a loud commanding voice, trying to look as powerfull, and in control, as he can: “Men. I believe that Eldias already told you of our destination.” All of elfs now notice Belphegor, they stop talking, but answer that Eldias haven't told them anything. Eldias continues to quietly look into the ground. A chilling western wind starts to blow.
Seeing he was supposed to tell men the bad news, Belphegor continues a bit confused: “Well... Then. Alright, you all remember the fight that happened two months before... The corruption of the Nature God?”
All elfs start to nob their heads as sign of confirmation. Some elfs start to talk, “How could we?” , “It was a saddest thing we saw.”
Belphegor now more assured starts to walk around the numerok, as he continue: “Well you all remember how I always claimed there is a greater evil at work than... Tanit's forces?”
A young hot-tempered elf named Erel quietly adds “Not that old story of the Source again?”
Hearing this, Belphegor replies “Yes an old story but with a new ending”. Erel blushes and tries to hide from Belphegor's sight.
Elfs a little bit confused ask, “ How do you mean a new ending?”
Belphegor, feeling much better answers “I have found a man, or even better a creature which can tell us of Source's location. That way we can finally avenge our warriors that fell in battle”
Crowd cheers to the idea they could revenge their families and friends who fell in battle. But Eldias now starts to speak. “And where does this middle man live?”
Belphegor, caught off-guard by this question, is speechless, so Eldias shortly continues: “Don't want to answer? Well I'll do it for you... His “middle” man lives in Wastelands”
A stream of worried question pass through the crowd: “Is he mad?” “Wastelands?”
But Belphegor doesn't hear the crowd or the surroundings. All he can hear is wind carring on his back. Thunder is all he can hear. As flash passes over the western sky, his face becomes more sinister and evil looking. Filled with anger and spite, he continues: “Yes he lives in wastelands as all orcs do. His name is Ash'grub”
Crowd worried by this answer continues to dispute amongst itself. Belphegor continues anyhow: “Those who are brave enough will follow me into the Wastelands, and those with weak hearts will run to Gesar to be slaughtered with their own kind. Now you should decide where will you die.” . Crowd angered at Belphegor start to curse him and the day they met him. An angry young elf Duras stands out of the crowd and says: “I think those who decide to side along with you, are betrayers and they should be cast out from the ranks” . Crowd agrees. Duras more encouraged continues: “Now we should see how will betray us... Those who wish to join Belphegor should raise their hands, remember anyone who raises his hand will be also be abolished from our ranks! Do you agree with the rules Mage ?” . Belphegor, calmly answers that the rules are fine by him. No one raises his hand. In Belphegor's mind sounds of rolling thunder now seem more and more close.
Suddenly one person of all the elfs raises his hand. It was Eldias. After him five more hands were raised. Belphegor was very surprised by the outcome of this vote, but not as much as Duras. Almost speechless he tries to talk, but all he says are two words “Why...Eldias?”. Eldias gracefully smiling, at all present at this meeting. answers: “I think no one should die alone... even if he is a mad man.” The sound of thunder dissipates from Belphegor's mind. He laughs and says: “Of all people Eldias, you were the last I thought to be mad enough to side along with a old fool like me”.

A fightning strikes just outside of the elf camp. Scared at first, suddenly all elfs start to laugh, including Belphegor. Even rain that just started couldn't ruin their good mood. Elf started to sing and dance despite the rain. Eventually the rain stopped, but the elfs still continued to sing and chatter happily. Of course Duras withdraw some of his words and so did Belphegor. Late at night all of elfs returned to their tree flats, looking very happy. But Belphegor was truly happy after so many months, for he knew that even in this cold and harsh world he still has a friend.

What no replies :o damn is my writing so bad ?!?
Well here is last part hope someone reads it, rates it... feedback is more than appritiated.

Bridge of Sorrows IV
“It is noon already”, Belphegor thought as he quickly got down from his tree flat. “I'll have to hurry. They won't wait forever”, he mumbled to himself while he was hurrying through a old oak forest near their rally point, near their encampment.

The men were quite impatient. Duras joked with his some of his friends “It seems that Mage, decided to leave us and went to Wastelands alone ”. But Eldias wasn't feeling very well that day. Despite the fact the sun shined gently over the soft grassy meadows, filled with white spring flowers, he was still worried, that Belphegor might have decided to go alone anyway. Belphegor was very unpredictable, past few weeks. Even though he was always a bit strange. Soon Belphegor arrived, excusing himself for his poor timing. Elidas was relieved to see his old smiling face once more. “Seeing all things are fine”, Belphegor concluded, “We should be on our way, while the good weather serves us”.

All of the tree elfs were quite happy to finally start their march towards Great Harbors, even though for someone it will be a place of departure. They packed their stuff on a few caravans, and left west to the crossroads to the Great Harbors. The wind was softly blowing over the evergreen meadows, chasing away any clouds. But the proud and cold Shantis peak, on the north was still plunged in dark thunderous clouds. Elfs marched slowly and gracefully. Some of them even sang songs telling the story about their great warriors, who fell in the heats of great battles. Belphegor was quiet most of time, occasionally he would talk with some of his men, about the Rebel Elfs and their resistance. Eldias was also very quiet.
But for the others time passed quickly. They were already at the crossroads to Great Harbors. The hill they were standing overlooked to the white buildings of the Great Harbors. Their suptile white glow hypnotized most of the elf. Now Belphegor could see regret on the faces of those who decided to accompany him. In fact even he seeing their tall, gracious buildings wanted to join the others in their quest. But he knew his duties. Belphegor tried to make a speech but he was quickly hushed by the other elfs and their farewells. Eldias was saying his goodbye to Duras who will be their leader of tree elfs in their mission on Liroth. After he said his last farewell Belphegor calls Eldias and the other elfs. A bit sad Belphegor says: “Now we must travel to Wastelands, there is no telling what we may have lost by this delay. We must travel light and swiftly. Wastelands await us!” The last sentense made a bitter chill amongst the tree elfs.

Sad and worried they turned back to find the way to the Ancient bridge. But there was something none of them expected. A dark devious figure stepped out of the Shadows. It was Arenia, her exile heavily reflected on her. Her once beautifully blond hair , now looked pale and thin. She lost weight and looked more and more dead since they left her. But her eyes were the most frightening thing, their red fiendish glow could scare anyone human or not. She whispered gently: “Well Belphegor, you didn't expect me to leave you without a proper goodbye?”. He only responded in a cold tone: “I wouldn't accept even a gift from you, rather than goodbye”. Her face was twisted by the hate for Belphegor, but once being able to calm down she continues: “Well you may not accept it, but I'll give it to you anyway” . She says something and soon a bunch of hidden mercanaries jumps out of their ambush and attacks the elf. Belphegor having no other spell at mind conjures a couple Nature's Guardian which preoccupies the mercanaries while he and other elfs escape.

Arenia seeing Belphegor will flee, pursues him alone. Belphegor and Eldias, along with his men manages to get to the bridge. As they start crossing it rains starts to slowly fall. As they pass the rain gets stronger and stronger. Belphegor is already at the half of the bridge, trying to get to the other side. Arenia accompanied by her mercanaries is also crossing the huge Dwarven Bridge. But as rain slowly drips o the the large Dwarf support column, it seeps deeper and deeper into a small scar near the heart of the statue-column. The scar made in the old rock, slowly gets wider as the rain gets heavier. The scar continues to get expand until finally it causes the support column to colapse, pulling the other columns. Like dominoes they fall, slowly crushing the bridge.

Belphegor and Eldias have already made it to the other side, they help other elfs to cross. They soon realize that something is wrong. A large metallic cloud devours the bridge behind them, while the bridge sways more and more with every second that passes. Arenia is also getting nearer to the other side. But the bridge's colapse suprises her, and she disapeares into the cold waters of the Sea of Dividing. One of Belphegor's elfs has also been consumed by this collapsing menace.

Now all is lost, for the elfs and both Eldias and Belphegor know there is no turning back, no safe return. All thoughts of safety and home are gone and despair has moved into their minds. They all know now that their will leave their bones in this god-forsaken place. Belphegor, realizing the misery of their situation, drops a tear into the Wastelands thirsty sand, which soaks it instantly. Belphegor, sad and broken, thinks outloud: “This bridge has truly been a bridge of sorrows”. Eldias, gently taps Belphegor on the shoulder and says: “I share your pain Belphegor, but no one wishes to leave our bones here, we must find Ash'Grub and then we will find a way out of this rocky prison”. Belphegor, now more determined and bold, replies: “You are right there is no time to lose, lets find that bastard. He'll probably know a way out of this place”. Belphegor orders his men to move, and soon they start marching over the deserted Wastelands.

Meanwhile on a cliff overlooking the plato were Belphegor and his troops was, a dark bowed figure stands, grinning over the elfs misery, saying: “You wont find me Belphegor! Not before I find you! And than it will be too late. ”. The figure starts laughing outloud, as lightning scars the skies revealing a old orc Dark Shaman named Ash'Grub.
Sry for any gram./spelling mistakes made above, you are free to correct it and send it to me using PM (don't clutter the forum please). Tnx in advance
Belphegor

I give you a 6/10 on my little rating scale thing. Really, it would have been something much more close to 9/10, except that your grammar is so bad at parts that I am having trouble understanding what is going on. Indeed, your writing itself is quite good, especially at the beginning, but it seems to slack off towards the end. Indeed, I lose track of the story quite easily without reading too closely and having to guess at certain parts.


This is good. In fact, this is very good. Its great. But, come on dude, you have to work on your grammar (I think thats the main reason people are not posting). Here, I fixed up the grammar in the paragraph, see what you think:

Can you see that there is a huge difference in the way that the story is told? If your entire story had grammar about the level of that paragraph, I can promise you more people would like it.

Yeah I guess it would be quite better but then again I ain't a G.W. (Azhaq) so I guess I'll just have to learn in time. To be honest that story was a bit dull at the end... I liked the begining, but the rest....
Yeah one day I'll be the best writer in this section until that day (when most of English native language people die or mysteriously dissapears from this Forum) I'll just have to try harder. /jk
BTW Jumbo helped me also on the grammar but it seems I haven't accepted all of his corrections.