The Legend of Rok'Thar

Everything was white. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I know. I looked all around. It was all white. It was odd. Uncanny, even. I can't really remember any other time when everything was all white, except once when I stared at the suns for a little too long and nearly burned my eyes blind. That was a long time ago though, and I couldnt remember staring at the suns recently.

Anyways, I was looking all around me to make sure that everything was really white, when everything started to fade into recognizable colors. I could almost pick out a light gray outline of a tree from the pure white behind it. Then all the colors sort of fell together, and when I say "fell" I mean fell. All the color rushed into everything. It was strange. Very strange. Unlike anything I had ever experianced before, anyways. Maybe something happened to my eyes.

Then I looked around again. I was in a forest. What was I doing in a forest? How did I get in the forest, anyways? I should know, right? I am me, arent I? Huh? Wait, who am I asking?

Then I looked straight ahead and I saw something really strange. There was a big old thing there. And as he appeared before me, he looked, eh, I dont know, ominious. Without even talking to him it was like he was saying "Oh hey there. I'm sure you remember me. I'm Death!". I would have been freaked out of my mind, except I was already freaked out of my mind, so they sort of balanced each other out.

The reason I say he was "strange" is because he was cloaked in some very odd garb. He had on a full gray/black cloak, and his horse - oh, did I mention his horse? I dont know if it was a horse. It was just bones. Sort of like, reanimated bones. It sort of made the shape of a horse. Thats all.

So anyways, there I was just staring at this huge evil figure of a guy on a horse made of BONES, and he is just staring back at me as if to say "What? What did I do?"! I mean, its not like I see odd apparitions like this every day. Or, for that matter, ever. But I didnt say anything, because it looked like he could kill me with his thoughts. Or his horse. Did I mention his horse? I think I did.

Then, out of the blue, he says "Do you know who I am?", and his deep voice echos throughout the jungle (which shouldn't be happening, since things dont echo in a jungle). What do you think?? How the heck would I know who you are? I dont even know where I am, for Tharil's sake! So I just say ," Uh...No.", because like I said he could probably kill me if he felt like it with the flick of his pinky or something.

Then he says ,"I am Rok'Thar."

I'm just standing there, staring at him for a little bit. Of course I know who Rok'Thar is. Everyone knows who Rok'Thar is. His legend has been passed down for thousands of years! I wonder why he's talking to me

He watches me with mild amusement. Then he says ,"I bet you wonder why I'm talking to you." That immidately convinces me that he is a mind reader. I swear, in any old story where people come back from the dead (or whatever he's doing), they can always read your minds. Its like basic stuff.

Then he says ,"No, I cant read minds". That convinces me. There's no way he can deny it. Oh wait, he just did.

"You, Tho'tak (name tenative), have a legend to fufill. Your choice will effect you, the people you know, and your entire race. At times you may think that you can not do the tasks assigned to you. But you were the only choice."

I'm just staring at him with my mouth open (I never really stopped), when suddenly I wake up.

Prettty interesting, I assume this will continue on?

Awesome, me likee. :) Me likee much. Especially the humor involved
It needs proof-reading, however (Unless you're British..Hehe).
For example, "gray" instead of "grey" (Can someone correct me here if I'm wrong?)
Should be everyone.
Also, you use 'strange' soooo often it sounds 'strange' .
Just reads wierd in all ways. Certainly does NOT describe a dead horse and his rider, though.
I really, really like it. Alot. It's good.
-Tyl

Good use of language! It lowered the cliche-o-meter. :D

Thanks a lot so far people :).


Chapter 2


And then I wake up again. Turns out the first time I woke up was just waking up from a dream inside a dream. Its strange. I dont really understand it, either.

Well, I just lie in bed for a few minutes, pondering the events of the previous night. Was it a dream? Its strange, because it seemed like it wasnt a dream, as if instead of dreaming that night, Mr. Rok'Thar teleported me off to some Nether Reigon, where he proceeded to totally freak me out (twice), and then teleport me back. Then again, isn't he dead? Wasn't he dead? Did he come back? Am I rambling? I have a habit of rambling. That reminds me of the one time when I was talking to a duck and...

Oh nevermind.

So anyways, I was just lying in bed, when suddenly my brother breaks into my room and nearly rips the door off the hinges (its happened before). Then he says "Come on, lazy! I dont care what your doing, and I wouldn't care if Rok'Thar visited you in your dreams, we still have work to do!"

By that time, my jaw had gotten some serious excercise. Then I wake up again.

I pinch myself to make sure I really am awake. I am. Then suddenly my brother breaks into my room and nearly rips the door off the hinges (its happened before). Then he says "Come on, lazy! I dont care what your doing, and I probably will never care. We still have work to do!"

I was kinda suprised of the deja vu there. Then I realized what he was saying and got out of bed.

I ran over to the village center, and as always, Gr't't't'k (pronounced how it looks) was waiting for me. As usual, he had an assignment for me.

"That Razormaine camp is getting far too overpopulated. We will need to thin out its numbers or else be totally overrun." Gr't't't'k has a gravelly low voice, like something impaled him as a kid and his throat never quite got over it. In fact, he does have a scar on is throat. I never asked. I dont think I want to know.

I ran over to the outskirts of the camp. Gr't't't'k was right. It was overflowing. There were so many, I bet I could jump from head to head straight through the camp and never even touch the ground (presuming they would let me). Ok, so it wasnt that bad, but it was definitely pretty bad. I counted at least 80.

I hadnt done anything before an outskirts guard ambushed me. I whirled around, brandishing my axe, and killed the thing before it even hit me. Before I had time to think, my actions had alerted two more to my presence. My sword came up to parry the first hit, and my axe hit under the guard of the second, nearly killing it. The other took a death swipe at me, and I parried with my axe. A loud CLANGGG could be heard throughout the camp, not a good thing for me. Three more ran up against me ,so I decided for drastic action. I used a spell I had learned from the local shaman. This time, there was a FWOOSH and then a crinkle, as a firey explosion wiped the 3 of them from existance.

By this time the razormaine noticed me. However, one of the biggest razormaine there said something (in a squeak) and held out his hand, like he was saying "stop" or maybe "Ok, everyone just snipe that guy to death with arrows". I hoped for the first option.

All the razormaine stopped. The big guy walked over, and I could see clearly that he was chieftain of the clan. I mean, when you have a huge trail of feathers down your back and a huge hat on that says "I R CHFTN" its kind of hard not to be able to know. He unsheathed his sword; I reached for my axe. The battle was clearly on.

Very good, continue, the LW has noting to add here.

I read the entire thing, and here is some pointers.


Correct me if I am wrong, but that is an incomplete sentance. Try adding it to the sentance after it.


'Cant' should be: 'can't'. Your was is correct as well, but adding the ' makes it more correct. "cannot really remember and other time when..."


'Couldnt' should be, 'couldn't'.


Never, ever, under any cercumstance use the word, 'stuff'. It takes away from the description. Stuff could mean anything, and when your writing a story, you want the readers to see it though the image you thought of it in your mind.


Make the two 'fell' look different to the reader. My suggestion is to do something like this: "Then all the colors sort of fell together, and when I say 'fell' I mean fell."


Experiance should be, 'experianced'.


Another never, ever, thing to write is 'thing'.


Two mistakes here, first only under a few, few cercumstances should you start a sentance with 'and'. The next mistake is 'eh' shouldn't be used in anything but dialoge.


No need to capatilize the entire word. A simple ! says it all.


Didn't.


Don't.


Ahh, 'stuff' again.


Can't


Both ways are correct. One is American, and one is Canadian.


Weird, not wierd. No need to capatilize the entire word, a simple ! says it all.


Don't.


Wasn't.


I find it funny how here you have the word wasn't correct, but above you don't. :P


Don't.


Same as above.


Two mistakes. 'Ok' is spelled 'Okay'. Second when you are writing stories, and you are using numbers, use the word for the number not 80. So eighty. The only exception to this is when you are using numbers for the following: Time, dates, and the adresses in letters.


Hadn't.


I find this funny. I have bolded the parts I found funny. You have three numbers. Two are used correctly and the other isn't. After the word three, your comma should be moved over.


Okay.

Good story. You need to add a bit more detail in your work. In fact, you need quite a bit more detail. Oher then that, keep up the good work.
~Azhag~

Also make sure to proof read everything. I proof read this post!

I find it a lot funnier to pick out the mistakes of the corrector.

I didn't, but I did read your corrections.


'Sentence', not "sentance".


"Your was is correct as well", is no proper sentence.

"Of what kind of stuff is that bunny?" or "did you stuff it?" should prove useful ;)


There are multiple ways to make this more exciting, if necessary. As I said, I haven't read the story, so I am not sure about the context.
Words like, "and when I say fell, I meant that it was really falling. Falling like there was no end, as if there was nothing to regret from that moment on", going to a different subject to compare can be a good thing, it would also give the point more clearly.


No, "experiance" shouldn't be "experianced". It should be 'experienced'.


Only in certain contexts is it very possible. "The 'Thing' moved" or "what is that for a... thing?" there are always exceptions.

'Circumstances' not "cercumstances".
'Sentence', not "sentance".
To start with "and" can often be done after a point-comma or anything else similar to it.

If that doesn't bring the point. Italics or bold letter types can be used as well. Don't overuse them though, otherwise they don't give the point anymore.


Yup. Though the sentence could've been bigger. Like, "Kill me with his mere thoughts" impressing the reader if necessary.


Don't try to place words (such as this) like that. The '-' and the point comma are the right way to do it.


Shhh! I'm gonna stuff you!


The entire sentence was bad. "Then he says" is a sentence that is not well made, nor is the short part of "It convinces me", making it "it convinced me" should be better in this as well, but hey, I haven't read the story.


This is an American forum, Azhag.

The comma at the end of the sentence of John was not fitting either.


The same problem as I just mentioned; the comma is unfit.

You're.

OK has no real good spelling. Even though I personally use "okay", in Dutch conversations, I rather go for "oke" or anything similar. There are multiple ways of showing what you mean, though I do believe that "okay" is the most neat.


Or perhaps 'haven't.

The point is unfit, if that is all to the context. Switch it with a comma.

'Than' not "then".

[/quote]Also make sure to proof read everything. I proof read this post![/quote]
Unless you're very confident in yourself, or it is too long. Like me in If, and only if.

You need to correct better than this, Azhag.
-Fladian

Excellent. I like it alot, it all kind of flows and makes sense. Very nice, and no grammer crit anymore ;)
-Tyl

Not that much more can be pointed out now :P

Then I woke up.

Just kidding.

He started the battle with a down thrust aimed around my stomach. I lifted up my shield and parried, but the blow left a sizeable dent there. I swung around with my axe, but he easily blocked with his sword. Then he thrusted near my head, and I had to jump away to dodge the blow. Using the same momentum, I swung at his sword hand. I missed his hand, but hit his sword, and it bounced nearly three feet away. I swung at him as he was running to get it, but he dodged as if he had eyes on the back of his head or something. It was uncanny.

I ran over to him, axe raised. He was ready, and he got me across the arm. It wasn't that bad however, so I kept fighting. I faked a left thrust and he went for it, so I right thrusted, and I watched in slow motion as he tried to block the attack, but he was a hair too slow. His body fell to his knees, and then collapsed.

I had to run back to camp because I had nearly eighty million razormaine after my blood.

Part 2

Gr't't't'k was impressed that I had managed to kill the chieftain.

"I am impressed that you have managed to kill the chieftain," he said. "That particular Razormaine has been a pain in our sides, and it's killed more then one unwary bystander. Hopefully without the chieftain, the tribes will slowly dwindle."

He reached into a brownish packet by his hip, and paid me 8 silver pieces. Killing monsters is sort of my job. Its a pretty cool job too, because it changes day to day. Oh yeah, and the fact that you could die on your job any day. You just got to get used to it.

I glanced around the village for the first time this day. In front of me was the building where Gr't't't'k lives. It's about 40 feet high, and made mostly of stones and large pieces of wood. Where they got the wood is something I'll never know (I will explain that particular remark in a bit). The wood makes sort of a criss-cross pattern in a circle around the main area. Wherever two pieces of wood meet, there is a stone to keep them together. Its pretty impressive.

To my left was the barracks. Every day for an entire year, starting at age 13, you train in the barracks from sunrise to sunset. Its pretty boring. Then again, what would you expect? As for the actual building, it's circular and constructed mostly out of wood and stones as usual. The building itself is pretty big. Its about 90 feet in diameter, and about 30 feet high.

If I take a long look to the west, maybe I will be able to see the living quarters. They're separate from the main village.

Directly behind me is the oasis. The oasis is the only reason there is a city here in the barren desert. It is virtually the only water source for about one hundred miles. Travellers from all over come to this city, because its the only option if you are crossing the barrens. For some strange reason, there are no trees around the oasis. I don't know why, but it makes me wonder where all this wood is coming from.

The oasis is drying out.

Yea, you read right. In only 5-20 years, we will all have to pack up and leave, because all the water is going to be gone. No one knows why - generally, oases should refill themselves, but the refilling process seems to be taking a lot longer then normal.

A tauren nearly flattens me. "Hey, you stupid kid! What are you doing just standing there? You're in the middle of a street!!"

Oops. I got out of there as fast as possible.

It is pretty late, so I decide to head home. On the path to the village, I see a stray razormaine. That's interesting. It's pretty rare that they will somehow find the path. I kill it easily, but I'm thinking about other matters.

Later, when the sun sunk below the horizon, I finally fall asleep. Little did I know that Gar'Thok was still watching me...

Actually Azhaq, I know IS a complete sentence. It has a subject (I) and a predicate (know). So it is, indeed a sentence.

'Lifted', not "lifed".
"Dent"?

Trusted.

"Sword Hand"?

Using different words for a change would be useful too. Something like, "with my eyes growing larger, I missed his hand, luckily, I managed to hit the sword. The grip was loosened and the sword flew out of his hands only to fall down several feet away".

Use different words than "swung" only. It is being used too much.

Even though this is through the eyes of that person, it could have been said in a better way like, "or as if he could read my mind before I did anything".

'With my axe raised'.

A comma, or anything else behind "bad" would be appreciated. The "so" behind "however" isn't making sense anymore either.

"Neatly killed him" sounds a bit... corny. Expanding it a bit like, "when he went for it, I finally saw the opening I was waiting for all this time. Without any hesitation, I cleaved my axe in his neck with the result that he instantly died by my hands" or anything similar. Anything to make it longer and more exciting. It sounds more like, "I took my axe, I attacked him and I killed him" now; not exciting at all.

"Razormaine"? Not 'Razormaines' then? I don't know what you exactly mean, but you could forget the 's'.
Behind "camp" a comma would find a nice place.

No sentence like 'when I came back'?

If you wanted the saying "a thorn in our sides" then you might want to change it :)

Just that? Too short.

'It's', not "its".

From day to day.

Finally! I was waiting for a sentence like this.

No need to say this. We will notice that when we read it.

'It's' not "its".

'It's' not "its", the sentence is too short for my liking as well. "It is pretty boring to do that everyday" could it be changed in. Anything to make it longer than 3 words.

The same mistake again. Not "its" but 'it's'.

You didn't. But try to avoid placing something (like this) as much as possible. Even though you didn't mention it, you could've make multiple ways of explaining it was circular.

"From all over..." I miss a word or a fitting comma, but I'd prefer a word.

It's not its!

Wood cannot be found, as it is bound.
No mistake is there, but I can't leave it bare.
I rhym again for stupidness' sake, so the next part won't be fake.

You don't say!

"Yeah, you read it right" would be more accurate.

'Five, to twenty years' is more accurate than "5-20 years".

'Is going to dry up' but because this is from a personal view, I'll overlook this.

'Oases', not "oaises".

'You're', not "your".

A comma, not a period behind "oops".

'Saw', not "see" anymore in this context. It already happened, it was not happening anymore.

The sentence could be expanded. At the very least, it could be changed to "that is interesting to see, I never expected to see a razormaine here".

'Killed', not "kill".

You are talking about the history here, if I am not mistaking. Use the right words then, use words like, "when the was below" and "I finally fell to sleep".

Ah, okay.

I won. Don't dare people unless you are very and I mean, very sure.
As for a side note, I probably missed a few. I can't keep my concentration straight with the radio on next to me, and not at all when I am laughing because of it.

-Fladian

Fixed before you posted, and yes Dent is a word.

No, thrusted.

Yes. As in, the hand holding the sword.


Thats a good suggestion. I'll keep it in mind.


Got ya.


I dunno, its about the same.


Actually, it works both ways.

I'm not sure quite what you mean here.

Your right. I paused over this for a while and thought about it, but I couldn't really think of a good way. I'll go back over that later.

Razormaine plural is Razormaine, as far as I can see. The comma is a good suggestion but isn't necessary.


I was hoping "Part 2" said that instead.


I was thinking about that as well, but since Razormaine have buildings made out of thorns it sounded...corny.



Point taken, I'll go fix that.


My first error. CRAP!


Not necessarily.



Yea, I was thinking about that, but the layout of the story changed a little bit in my mind and that remark became useless.


Yea... I know...

I will remember that.

No comment, I'm already beating myself over my head because of that.

I'm trying to create the effect that your taking this as like the guy is relating a story to you.


Hmm, you are probably right.


Its rhyme. Don't make me start criticizing you :P

No, I do say!


I always thought that yea == yeah, I might need some verification there.

Alright thats two mistakes (not counting the other duplicated it's vs its)


Thats good.

Typing too fast I suppose. Thats three.

Ok, I admit, I got sloppy.

Oops can be a full sentance.


Actually, most of this is written in current tense.

Thats a good suggestion. Thanks.

Actually it is still in present tense.


Mistaken. And I'm not quite sure what your talking about.


My little disclaimer. Oh well, I knew there would be mistakes. It was just a GIMMICK to get people like you to post. Haha :P

I say it wasnt bad considering you posted about eighty and only 4-8 of them were actual mistakes

This whole GW thing is getting really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,re ally,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,real ly,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really,really ,REALLY annoying. It's becoming SPAM.