Dweller story

This is something I wrote in my semi-free time ;) Anyway this is MY story for the TToR campaign I'm working on. Suggestions, gramma(e)r mistakes are welcome...
The story goes...

Chapter I: Message

The sun was smiling brightly, over the a dweller town, known as the Swampy Planes. The two bulky swamp dweller outside the town were “guarding” the entrance, even though there wasn’t any real threat to guard it from. The trolls rarely came here because of the damp climate that trolls could not bare. And most of the wildlife here was peacefull.
The guards, were standing on a small hill overlooking the road that lead to Swampy forests. There was very little to do that day, so to entertain themselves they talked about the yesterdays Zarmal's anniversary. Zarmal leader of the Swampy Planes, who was very liked amongst the most of his people. Their chat was stooped by a sound of a stranger clearing his throat.
The guards frightened at first saw a tall swamp dweller riding a green beast they never saw before.
But seeing he isn't aggressive at all, they try to act as tough as they can: “What's your business here stranger?”.
The stranger answers not a bit interested in disputing with them: “I'm the messenger from the Sergol Temple. I wish to see Zarmal, your governor.”
The guards grins at him “Sergol you say? I haven't seen a Salmen bastard here for a long time.”
Messenger hightens his voice “Don't start a fight you can not win! Call Zarmal, I have other messages to deliver!”
The other guard responds: “He has an important meeting in the town hall. He wished not to be disturbed. If you want we can deliver him your message.”
The Messenger turns around and whispers to himself: “Forgive me for this... much is already lost..” .
He swiftly turns back to the guards and suddenly casts a magical wave paralyzing the guards, while he enters the town.

He cruses the streets riding his Galapagos. Other Dwellers astonished by his weird appearance, start following him. He finally finds a moss overgrowed old town hall. The Messenger then leaves his Galapagos outside while he enters the town hall.
Inside of the town hall is very damp and warm. The atmosphere makes messenger quite uneasy. He manages to find Zarmal, but Zarmal's guards prevent him from approaching Zarmal. Soon the town guards, he paralyzed few minutes ago, enter the town hall screaming a man has come to kill Zarmal. They point at messenger and others quickly capture him, preventing him from further moving or spell casting. Zarmal wishes to speak to the messenger and see are these accusations true.
Zarmal calmly asks the messenger: “Who are you? Why are you here?”.
“I'm just a simple messenger, carring an important message for you.” Messenger replies.
“I don't know if a simple messenger, knows to cast spells, but I'm interested in a message you have for me”
“The message is for your eyes only.”
“Now, now, I have nothing to keep from the eyes of the public, so you can say your message in front of any of them freely” Zarmal points at people present in the hall.
“Well, in that case, Zarmal, you are chosen by the Order of Salmen Council to join the Sergol Temple! From now you are official Initiate of the Sergol Temple, you must travel to Zolurk and meet your Initiate Patron - Lator”
“These are indeed private things, but... do you have any proofs for your claim? You know that the Salmen have refused to enter these parts, when the three great Tribes started the war. They would never pick a Slarg to enter their Temple. ”
“Perhaps that was once, but things change... Proof of my claims are in my bag. There is a small Initiates Star with your name on it. It will show you my claims are true. Also there is a map that shows you how to reach Zolurk, the residence of Lator.” The guards take messenger's bag search it. Indeed they found a star-shaped ornament, with inscription “Zarmal the Initiate”, and a map with directions to Zolurk. Zarmal examines the findings. He quietly continues to think.
But messenger interrupts: “If you would be so kind to tell your guards to release me. I have to go now, there are more messages to be delivered. “ Zarmal waves his hand to the guards, showing them to realease the messenger.
Once free, messenger takes his back and goes to the exit. On his way out he remembers something, stops and turns around “You are expected in Zolurk in two days, so you better hurry up, it is a long way there. May the Swamps watch over you. We will see each other again once you pass your training” Then the messenger quickly hops on his Galapagos, and rides it out of town, where he disapeares in the mists of Swampy Forests.

Note: Names can be changed. Noob don't steal (but I doubt its worth yourwhile )
Edit: Some minor changes...

Its pretty good, but there is one thing the LW must point out. The story needs some kind of explanation. First of all: why are swamp dwellers riding mounts, and why is there a city of them? Also, I'd change some stuff before the GW comes.

A few things:

WORK ON THE GRAMMAR :P

A galapagos is an ISLAND. It sounds strange to see you say "Riding his Galapagos..."

You overuse commas.

You should probably use Microsoft Word's grammar checker, it will help you quite a bit.

Other then that, its pretty good. It would be excellent except the grammar sorta impairs me from reading it :/

Actually there is the Galapagos tortoise, but that is just kinda sad.

Not bad, I like it, but it's a bit difficult to understand at times. For one, I'm not very familiar with the TToR races (I downloaded it...And the .exe didn't really exist). I imagine that's where some of the confusion came from, so if possible, explain the various race/tribe names and what-not. Also, you used commas in odd places, a comma is equivelant to a one-second pause, so read your work and find some places where commas don't sound right. One last thing, "Messenger" should be "The messenger" unless his(/her?) name is really "Messenger", and if it is, it should always be capitalized.

-Tyl

Finally feedback...

Download TToR, Swamp Dweller ride mounts there, they are named Galapagos ;) It's not a city but a town, larger than village smaller than town. Whos GW?



Look for Galapagos in TToR...
OK, got it comas and some more work, btw notify Azshag he's the grammer 8: whore here. Hate microsoft write in Open Office on Linux :P BTW I always overuse commas even in native



The Messenger is a character I wouldn't like to reveal it now. Sry this was ment for those who know TToR I'll try to send a attachment hope it clears thing out.

GW = Grammar Whore a.k.a Azhaq.
LW = Literary Whore a.k.a me.

Thanks for clearing that out...
(Imagine this B.W - B whore aka Belphegor 666 :8 ...it seems those weren't headache pills )

Oh thats interesting, I thought GW was Grammar War, like when you posted on my thread yesterday and said "Stop the GW".

As for the grammar in the story, only use commas when you start talking about something else, and after words like well that you use in the beginning of a sentence.

I also reccommend an online grammar checker type tool.

Lookings nice so far. But do fix the grammar. ;)

Also the mounts in TToR are called Galapos, not galapagos, the name was influenced from that island name but they're not exactly the name. People need to test TToR. http://race.wc3campaigns.com/ (It do work, you probably just used a corrupted mirror, try again :P )

But anyway, do continue, it's interesting to see someone actually willing to make stuff for the universe I made.

Me good grammar bah...
Sry, I played TToR long time ago ( my comp broke down before I started TToR moding). Also there isn't a acurate description on the site of all the units; that would have helped me.
BTW are names OK, right? I was worried if they would not fit Swamp Dweller history or geography

I once wanted to make a world of my own and I made it in my head . Anyway I'll write second chapter after I eat.

EDIT: I ate and so here is the sequel ^_^ hope you like it:

Chapter II: Zolurk
Part I: The voice
The sun has just risen, and its first warm rays were touching the benevolent town of Swampy Planes. Most of its citizens were asleep, but someone was awake. Through one of the town gates Zarmal and seven of his men were sneaking out. Also Todes, Zarmal's childhood friend and good dweller was accompanying with them.

“I'm sorry to leave the town like this Todes” Zarmal said “But I hate goodbyes. They could stir my heart from the destiny the Swamp Gods layed out for me”
“I know you well Zarmal and I know how much you hate goodbyes. Still I think it's not right for me to carry the burden of your decisions. Most of them will be sad knowing you left them without goodbye”
“I hope the burden won't be too heavy” Zarmal joked, but seeing Todes wasn't in a very good mood he pauses for a while and continues “Well, I hope you'll manage without me. Todes as leader of Swampy Planes, I pronounce you the new governor of Swampy Planes in my absence.”
Todes a bit shocked, by this decision “Well...Thank you. I don't know what to say”
“Don't say anything, just do your job the best you can. I trust that will be enough” Zarmal replied.
“Then, may swamps take good care of you Zarmal” Todes answered while he tried to hide his tears.

Zarmal and his men were leaving the town silently. Once they got far enough Zarmal also wiped a tear which was sliding down his cheek and quietly whispered to himself “Goodbye, Todes old friend. Goodbye, Swampy Planes, I'll miss you. I can just hope that my path will return here again”. From that point, they proceded to Zolurk according to the map messenger left.

After marching for almost the entire day, Zarmal orders his men to make a encampment, so they could rest and prepare for tomorrow. After a relatively modest dinner, they decide who will guard the camp, from intruders. Zarmal and a Dweller named Ziel were first on the watch. Ziel sits near the fire, while Zarmal sits further from it trying to recognize anything hidden in the dark veil of night. After hours of staring into the dark woods, Zarmal sees some movement. He tries to wake up Ziel, but Ziel is missing. He gets into the other tents trying to alert the other swamp Dwellers, but finds no one. Seeing no other alternative, he decides to follow the creature moving in the dark. He follows it for hours and hours, but he never gets any closer or further from him. It's like he hasn't moved at all. He decides to make a rest but fails. His legs continue to walk despite his attempts to stop them. After awhile he finds himself in control of his legs again.

But he is no longer in a forest. He is in a desert. In front of him is large round stone door of a tomb of some kind. He tries to examine them a bit closer. Suddenly door open on its own. He enters the chamber but finds it absolutely empty. As he looks around the room more carefully the door behind him slam shut. He is trapped. He tries to open the door but nothing seems to work. After awhile another door open on their own. They lead to a corridor lighted by wall torches. There he sees a horrible sight. In a distance hundreds of blood thirsty nether beasts, coming out of a dark corridor towards him. They barely recognizable faces are black and ugly. It seems to Zarmal they are all screaming “...Death, blood, meat..”. He runs back to the chamber but only finds a wall without a trace of a door that were there a few moment ago. He hears the nether beasts howling and screaming getting closer and closer with each second. But their howling and screaming suddenly stop, and a mysterious voice inside Zarmal's head addresses him “...Find the three, join the two, or next time Zarmal this won't be a dream...” Zarmal suddenly wakes up. Ziel was shaking him saying “Wake up it was all just a dream.”

Frighten at first Zarmal calms down while other guards laugh around him “You were screaming like mad, saying beasts are gonna eat you. We did had a hard time waking you up, haven't we. Anyway sorry we had to wake you up, your screaming could alert some of the animals here. They aren't as nice as those in the Swampy Planes“ this mentioning of their beautiful home brings great sadness into the hearts of the Swamp Dwellers. It was still night and the Swamp Dweller were siting quietly thinking of their beloved home. Zarmal wanting to break that homesick mood asks : “So whats the time? Can I still get any real sleep?” Ziel quickly replies “We don't know. The sky is cloudy so it's hard to determine when will the sun come up. But it would be best for us that you don't sleep at all.” Zial's comment made them all laugh, including Zarmal. Zarmal not being very sleepy decides to continue his shift with a guard called Morgush. They talk until their guard shift ends, after which they go to bed. Zarmal wakes up somewhere about noon. After the lunch they continue to their trip to Zolurk.

Sry for double posting but did anyone realized that there is a update o_O
Anyhow as Xiash once said feeeeeeeedbaaaack would be nice

You have some good ideas there. You just need to develop them more (with better flowing sentences), and be constantly working on that grammar. Here is little one thing that you should keep in mind:

This should be

"Goodbye" is another one of those words that you always put a comma after.


This is "its" own, because the door is not a living creature.


There are a lot of little errors that sorta bug me. I wont take time to type them all out. Here are a few other tips though:

• You can join two sentences with a comma
• When someone is talking in the middle of the sentance, you put a comma and then the quote ,"Like this," said Bob.
• Send it through a spell checker. There are lots of free ones out on the web.

You were always complaining I overuse commas, so you got served a (almost) comma free-story :P I'll try to improve... as always. Next part expected...not to soon (comp prohibition still active for me )

Anyhow how do you like the story so far. I hope that my grammar has improved since Bridge of Sorrows