| 04-12-2005, 03:30 AM | #1 |
Yes, this is another story about ants. This story comes before a story I posted before, which can be found here. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Part 1 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I awoke to the sound of the pounding in my head. I couldn't remember what had happened the night before… Daniel: “I hear the mining is getting tougher as the years progress.� Joseph: “Yeah, the minerals just aren't as plentiful as they used to be.� This was of course not true; the government had tightened its grip on the miners union, and we were being forced to work for countless hours searching. We assumed we were searching for something, as the mines had been exhausted of their minerals for many years, yet we weren't allowed to scout for new locations. These matters were not wise to speak about in public, as the government had spies everywhere. Joseph: “How's little Leonard doing?� Daniel: “He's doing fine, the government has already decided that he's going to be a soldier, were so proud.� I couldn't believe my ears, proud of their son becoming a soldier; this man must've been insane. Everyone knew that the safest jobs were in the mines; at least there the worst possible event could be a cave-in. I quickly wiped off the surprised look from my face and hoped that nobody saw it, showing weakness would surely be the end of me, I was growing old, and the old were of no use to anyone. The government would usually go on sweeps of the city at night once every few weeks; they would test all of us to see who was still strong enough to survive. Many were carried off and never seen again, those who refused were taken away as well. Nobody knew what happened to these people nor did anyone speak of them once they left, it was if they never existed. I arrived home in time for dinner with my family; my wife wasn't going to survive many more of the tests and would be removed soon. She knew this as well, but tried to keep a positive attitude. Ann: “Hello Dear, welcome home.� This was odd, she knew as well I as that sings of affection were a sign of weakness. Out of the side rooms a man emerged in a suit that covered all of his 6 legs; it looked a little small for him. He was wearing a black dinner jacket with black pants, these blended in with him very well as he was black. Mysterious man: “Hello, my name is Philip, I've come to speak to you Joseph, it is of grave importance.� I was very nervous, why would anyone come to see me, I was just a lowly miner and had been my entire life. Philip pulled me into a side room, Ann didn't show any of her emotions but I knew that she was worried as well. Philip: “They are going to kill the miners, the government finally found it.� Joseph: “What is this thing they have been searching for?� Philip: “I don't know, but all that matters is that I told you so that you could evacuate your family before the removal of the miners occurs.� Philip left as discreetly as he had come, I walked back into the other room and told my family the news. They were very confused but understood why this must be done. We packed lightly and headed out onto the streets. The streets were quite empty at this hour as it was past curfew. We managed to make it to the entrance without being seen by anyone. When we arrived at the entrance we were greeted by many guards, it had been a trap! I awoke to the sound of the pounding in my head. I couldn't remember what had happened the night before; I could hear a guard yelling at me to get up, I didn't have the strength. The guard started beating me; I finally mustered the strength to stand. Guard: “See, that wasn't that hard, you lazy bastard march!� I realized that I must've collapsed during a march, the location to which we were marching was not known by us. We marched nonstop for days until we were finally allowed to stop. They told us we were there, we were at The Stronghold. The Stronghold was a man's worst fear; it was controlled by the most feared creature of all, the beetle. The beetle was a massive beast that could take down many men in one quick movement; they were the Black Ant's greatest foe. We were commanded to march again, we went over a small ridge and I could see The Stronghold guarded by many beetles, why were they marching us all out here, it was just suicide, this must have been how they were planning on killing off the miners, by feeding us to the beetles. The general gave the order to prepare for battle, nobody disobeyed. He then gave the order to kill any beetle that we saw until The Stronghold was under Black Ant control. We charged towards The Stronghold, the beetles killed off men left and right, we didn't stand a chance. I saw one coming towards me I began to run; I could see its pincers coming down on me. The beetle picked me up with its pincers and slowly sliced me in half; it then ate half of my body and threw the rest of me on the ground. The pain was unbearable, the beetle had left me for dead, and my comrades had all been killed or were nowhere near. I could feel the life being pulled out of me; I knew that this was the end. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Part 2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “Wake up, time to wake.� I heard the national alarm clock and I was awake. My dream had been very strange; while I couldn't remember much of it. I dismissed this dream as a nightmare and continued getting dressed, putting on the national standard clothes of course. Occasionally out of my window I would see people not wearing the national clothes, they wore bright vibrant colors, oh I wished I could were those clothes, not the national clothes of brown and grey, the most ugly and horrid colors that I could imagine. Sadly, as I thought about this I realized that this dream would never become a reality. I finished dressing and waited in my room until the morning meals. When the meal arrived it was the same old tasteless, grayish food that I got every day. After my meal I plopped down in front of the television, there was never anything interesting on, but I watched anyways. The television suddenly shut off, and the room went black. The room didn't become light again for quite some time so I went to sleep again, no point in staying awake. When I awoke I didn't recognize any of my surroundings, nor the clothes I was wearing. I was no longer wearing the national colors, but I was wearing the bright yellows and blues of the people I saw outside my window. I tried to figure out where I was but to no avail, nothing looked familiar. The lights quickly went out and back on again and I was back in my room, with my normal clothes. This truly saddened me, I finally thought I was free from this, that I would no longer be stared at by passer-by's, but it was all a cruel joke. The others liked to play these jokes on me, it was their fault that I was in this room in the first place, it was their fault I was forced to stay here my entire life. This had all started 20 or so years ago, when President Jonathon was still in power, he treated us like equals to the others, he thought we were no different. After only 5 months of him being in power he was overthrown and replaced by Secretary Wrisy. Wrisy and his administration threw us in cells. This is were I've been for the past 20 years, and this is where I shall remain for my life. The wall's all went up into the ceiling, something which I did not believe possible. I looked around and everything was black, I was surrounded by nothingness, I started to fall and called for help but couldn't hear the sound of my voice. This was the end of me, it must be… “Poor guy, he's been like this for 20 years, occasionally he starts screaming something about an organization that he calls the others. We've decided there's no hope for him, we're going to let him die.� The scientist grimly. “It really is a shame, we really thought we could help him but it seems like everything we've done is for naught.� States the other scientist. “I suppose this is what he would have wanted if he was still sane.� The woman says sadly. “How long had you two been together before this had happened?� the first scientist asks curiously. The woman answered the man's question with a very angry tone. “Five years, then he started taking tests and he was never the same. They really were foolish tests; I don't know what the government was thinking. How could an ant possibly survive something like this? Pure foolishness if you ask me, ants were not meant to swim, ever.� |
| 04-12-2005, 03:43 AM | #2 |
miner's union... lol. I give it a 54/100 |
| 04-12-2005, 08:30 PM | #3 | |
That was a suprise, but it could have been written better. I give you a 7.5/10 on idea, 5/10 on execution, 8/10 on grammar, a 4/10 on flow, a 4.5/10 on character development and 6.5/10 overall. That totals up for a 29/50 (overall doesnt count). Idea: It was ok. Nothing really special here. Other then the fact that it's from an ant's perspective, there isn't anything new here. Execution: Could have been a lot better. I think that it should have been more gripping, and it should be a little more clear. Your telling the part about the ant marching off to be killed in virturally the same mood as the ant at home. Additionally, your story was a little unclear at times. Grammar: Mostly good with only a few mistakes. Flow: Argh! See execution for my complaints on mood. Try to slowly shift between topics, rather then this: Quote:
Good job, you managed to condense 3 weeks into 3 sentences, and even worse is that the sentences don't really flow. Probably the worst is the middle one, because you say we marched for a while and then stopped. That just doesnt sound right- those are seperate actions and you arent stopping without marching for a very long time. Maybe its just me (flow is opinionated), but you do it more then this once in your story. Character development: Really, there wasn't very much of this. Next time you write, you should work on this (just keep it in mind) , and the flow. Overall: I think you can write better if you put your mind to it (what corny advice is that?!), but keep trying. I'll be waiting for more. |
| 04-12-2005, 08:43 PM | #4 |
You started each dialogue with the characters name. I do not think that is necessary. Especially when you are writing a story, make sure to use correct grammar. Adding the characters name in front of each dialogue is improper. Like johnfn your character development is not that good. You need to expand the description of the characters more. Click on the link in my signature and read the second chapter. I wrote the entire second chapter to describe the main characters background and so on. I also want more feedback! Anyways, I would like to see more description, not too much more, but a little more. You have good grammar, but make sure to proof read... Anyways good luck with the rest of the story. I will post more replies, and help you out more. I would just like to add, good luck with your modship here johnfn!! ~Azhag~ EDIT: When your done writing a chapter, read it out loud. If it doesn't sound correct, then you probably have made a mistake. When we speak, we speak in perfect grammar. |
| 04-12-2005, 10:13 PM | #5 | ||||||
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Thank you very much to all of you who gave me feedback, I really appreciate it. |
| 04-15-2005, 07:45 PM | #6 |
I feel really bad for double posting, but I really see no other way to tell you that I added more. I updated the first post with part 2 of the story, it's clearly marked so you should be able to find it. |
| 04-16-2005, 08:37 AM | #7 |
Guest | My rating (yay!): Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others. Script: 17/20 — Nice idea. Stories with ants and such stuff are better than "Another story about Warcraft". The story is well thinked and everything goes together really nicely. Descriptions: 7/20 — Your descriptions are nice but way too short Imagination: 14/15 — Your tormented mind thinks too much... get some rest ^_^ Writing skill: 14/15 — You are really skilled, and that's a good point! Action: 5/10 — The action is nice, but goes too fast: add some descriptions to slow it down a bit Humor: 8/10 — This story is not comic but has a funny side. Note for Fladian: See how a story that is not particularly funny can include some comic elements Transposition of the author: 9/10 — We can see that you were "in the skin" of the ant when you wrote this. Good! Global rating: 74/100 — Almost the 75%... too bad ^_^. The story is really nice and I hope you'll continue a bit with these ant stories. Just slow down a bit the action by adding one or two long descriptions, and BTW descriptions can also help putting some suspense sometimes by "freezing" time. |