Gone.

Gone

Remember when we were little kids? We used to play outside pretending we were super heroes? You would always have the better powers while I was the sidekick. Somehow you would always fall into trouble and I would come in and save you from the horrible villain.

Now times have changed, you have changed, we have changed. It is almost as if you took the path of the villains that you so bravely fought as a child. You stopped going outside all together.

But now, it is no longer you needing my help it is me needing yours. But you're gone. Your body is now limp, cold, I hold your hand I discover another scar on your wrist. This one old. Below that one there is a newer one that was made recently. I look down to my own arm, I see on my forearm the long scar that was from when I fell off the great maple tree in your backyard. But now, that tree is dead, gone. Just like you. My eyes start to pile up tears; my vision goes blurry as the water stats to pile up. A single drop streams down my cheek, it is warm. It falls onto your cold hand. More tears blur my vision and drop off my face. I bury my face into my arm.

Now, your trusted sidekick needs you. More than ever. What am I going to do?

You're gone.

You're gone for ever.

There must have been something I could have done to stop you. But I know deep down there was nothing, you made this choice.

Now, I kneel on top of the ground. Knowing that beneath this dirt is you. Gone.

Um, ok I have but three words, no letters. WTF?
what is this exactly?

Thats for you to decide.

I liked it. You just elevated your status from spammer in my mind :). I give you a 9.5/10 on idea, 9/10 on execution, 8/10 on grammar, a 9/10 on flow, a 7.5/10 on character development and 9/10 overall. This totals a 43/50. Thats a pretty good score.

Idea: Loss is a standard idea, but you put some pretty unique elements in the story.

Execution: Almost perfect. Good job.

Grammar: Some small errors. Nothing really imparing my reading, though.

Flow: This is how you do flow, folks :P. Once again, almost perfect.

Character development: Good, but not great. Probably the length is what lowered this a little.


Overall: Good job. A 43 is a pretty high score, and I liked it a lot. I will be waiting for more :)

i took out my trusty calculator and 43/50 is a 86%!

and its great to know i am no longer a spammer to one man.

I really don't like this, it's not the type of thing I want to read. I'm more interested in stories not poetry, which this basically is. Also I'm very tired of seeing all this poetry that was written from the point of view of a very depressed person, it just makes my day feel worse. When I read something I want to feel happy, not depressed.

Overall I can't say I liked it nor can I say it's original, it felt a lot like reading Fladians signature. I'm giving you a 6/10

JetPack: i hope your not to angry, i was trying to make you sad.

also my firend commented on how i described the build up of tears infront of my eyes. anyone else like that?

You managed to shrug off the noob tag when your story got picked apart and you didn't start sobbing and threatening to leave and trying to make people go with you *coughs and casts a meaningful glance at a certain someone :P*

Well, since John already commented on the idea and the execution, I shall just talk about what he didn't really elaborate on - the grammar! ^_^. (yeah yeah I just needed an excuse =P) I won't touch on the more obvious ones, because they're probably typos, but there was one particular portion that irked me quite a bit.


Tears are a liquid, they don't pile up, your eyes well up with tears. And I'd avoid repeating expressions within two lines of each other if I were you - in fact, try to avoid repeating a phrase or expression within the same essay as far as poissible. There's a reason why one of the criterion for grading essays is variation of sentence structure and vocabulary.

Anyhow, it was pretty good overall. I'd give it a 7.5/10.

you lost me with that paragraph decadence. thanks for the feedback though.

That statement is at one of my past actions that I'm not very proud of, to say the least.

ooooOOOOooooo.

lol

Well i just wanted to ask if anyone else likes it?

Very depressing, but worth reading.

Not much of a writer but I'd say 7/10

An example of what bothered me here
This part sounded pretty choppy to me compared to the rest of your "essay"

Could be just me though.

btw i will not be changing my writing. its just the way i like it.

Fine wit me.

I never do that either. Unless it's for school or something and it needs editing. ;)