The Oak

This is a really short story that I wrote, any shorter then this and I would be missing details. Its a lot different then your typical dude with superpowers or worlds fate depends on him or whatnot. I promise you never saw this comming (although unfortunately the plotline is guessable)


Chayn was digging through some documents so old they looked like artifacts. He knew he would find something, and we was not to be let down. He copied one and circled the point of interest. Then he called up the family to announce what he had found - but not exactly what he found. He was a little paranoid, and his paranoia figured there might be bugs on the phone. He was right.

Later that night, someone clothed in black garb entered through his window. One glance at the copy told him all he needed to know. He snuck upstairs, and decided that ending Chayn's life was for the best. What else could be done when such valuable information was at stake?

...

Rasin was treasure hunting again.

His older brother Joquin looked on in amusement. Rasin really was addicted to digging. He thought about how odd his nickname was - it went back to when he was just a little baby and had very wrinkled skin, but the nickname stuck through his entire life right up to the age of eight. Now they couldn't get rid of it. Joquin watched him dig, and wondered what possible entertainment he could get from the activity. Indeed, he looked a lot like his grandfather out there. His grandfather was a dedicated worker.

With this thought, Joquin's mind started to stray. He thought of his grandfather's mysterious death. He had announced to the entire family that he had found something of vital importance. He then died later that night of what had been classified of a heart attack. This had been before Rasin had been born.

Joquin wasn't really paying attention, but he noticed a pattern to Rasin's hunt. He would always start at the huge oak tree that was a little to the east of their property - indeed, it was the only tree on the property. He'd then walk in a random direction from it, muttering to himself. He would then stop and start digging. He dug with great energy as if there was something there to uncover.

Later in the day Joquin couldn't resist comming out of the house and asking Rasin what on earth he was doing. He replied ,"Some guy told me in a dream that I could find treasure around this tree!". Joquin chuckled to himself, but he liked the idea. He toyed with it for a little bit, and returned inside.

Even as night came, Rasin was still treasure hunting outside. Joquin had to call him back in. "Aww..." he said ,"I was so close!"

...

Rasin wouldn't stop talking at the breakfast table. "I saw him again! I saw him again!" he said. "Calm down" responded Joquin. "Saw who?"

"I don't know... He was about as tall as you, he was wearing red...he had long brown hair..."

Joquin went pale. "That sounds like Chayn. Where did you see him?"

Rasin responded impatiently ,"In my dreams of course."

Joquin stared. "What did he say?"

"He said ,'Fourty steps north of the oak, dig 2 feet down.'"

Joquin and Rasin walked outside. Joquin was pretty sure that this was just a random dream, but the opportunity was too good to pass up. He grabbed a compass on the way out. When they reached the tree, Joquin looked to the north of it. He wasn't very suprised to see that Rasin had dug all to the south of it. He took fourty measured paces north of the tree, and start to dig, but he made slow progress. Rasin complained, and then said "Here, let me do it." Joquin was suprised to see that Rasin could dig a lot faster then he could. He must of had some practice, he thought to himself.

Suddenly, he heard a loud CLANG. Joquin reached down and grabbed the little metal casket that must have been waiting there since forever. "Thanks Chayne" he said, and took it inside.

Good layout. It flowed really good.

The story was guessable, as you said, so i don't know what to comment about that. Maybe if there was a surpise somewhere, i could comment better...

Still, it's nice seeing simple story like these. I kinda miss them.

huh. pretty good. nothing special. i give you a 8/10 cause i actually read it without going "SHINANIGAN"

My rating (yay!):

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 15/20 — A good idea, but no real ending

Descriptions: 10/20 — The story was too short to put any of these, so I won't penalize you much

Imagination: 5/15 — Nothing special

Writing skill: 13/15 — Good writing, as usual, with nice style figures

Action: 6/10 — Not much action, but the story seems to go fast, making it good

Humor: 5/10 — No penalization for that

Transposition of the author: 5/10 — Quite hard to see if you're inside your story or not. So I'll give it the average rating.


Global rating: 59/100 — I was decieved seeing that you did not do a story as good as The City or Walking Home. Still, it is quite nice, even if it is short, and the fantastic smell of this story makes it quite enjoyable even if there is no special ending... except if you read it in a fantastic point of wiew...

Don't worry, you'll see a whole lot of weird stuff from me in the near future. I just felt like writing something totally different this time.

Thanks for the comments everyone, now go and review the balance xD

I wish I could begin writing a story, but I am incapable of writing a short story...

I guessI'll do what Thereaper does.