Enemies of the Motherland

Ahoy there. I just replayed the "Stalingrad" mission of Call of Duty and got inspired to write a story about Russia taking place in WW2. Or closer. St. Petersborg. Or as it was around sixty years ago. Stalingrad.

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Potekarev looked around him in the small boat where he and around twelve others that had never even seen a gun sat. Everything he heard the last days were "Comrades! We will win because our courage and strength! Remember that retreating will be seen as traitory to the motherland and all doing this will be shot!". Pretty words. It was a little snowy. And damn cold. The water in the river was all grey. The heaven was grey.

Yuri waked him from he's day-dreaming. "We are going in land now. Get up before the commisars see you!". Potekarev could see Yuri's point. Sleeping could easily quickly become dangerous when you were teamed up with lieutenant Sokow.

They stepped down on a bridge. More and more of Potekarev's "great courage" faded away as he saw the hell ahead. Unexperinced russian soldiers running around in desperation. They knew that they woudln't survive any long out there.

The hope faded more when he looked back his shoulder and saw a boat like his being blown to smithereens. A commisar pushed him in the back. "Go! Show the Motherland that we will fight for her!". He moved foward through others on the small bridge. He was given a Mosin-Nagant rifle (common russian WW2 rifle) with three magazines (each magazine is five-bullet). He was about to run into battle with a bolt-action rifle and kill hundred and millions of german soldiers with fifthteen bullets (or it seemed like hundred and millions).

Again he was pushed forward by the commisar. The commisar had an angry grimase. "Foward comrades! The day of the facists destruction has come! Foward!"

Noone reacted in two seconds, then the commisar was shot down. A shot right in the head. Everyone on the bridge looked at the window in the building the shot seemed to come from. Six snipers was in different windows in the building. Man after man the Russians were shot down. Potekarev ran as fast as he could into the battefield. The numerous ruined buildings was a perfect cover.

He looked to the right. A great explosion came. It seemed to they were accompanied by a Tiger. A explosion more came. Closer to him. When the smoke was gone he saw something come flying. Before he could se what it was it hit him in the head. Seconds after he rose again took his helm on and looked what it was that hit him. He fell in a shock. It was a arm. The explosion hit someone and the arm chose to flew towards him and shock him. He was so afraid of the horrible sight, that he ran out from he's cover to find a new.

It was just to much. He looked around himself. Everywhere he saw his friends fall. Some ran with flags symbolising the communistic comrade-ship. He found a cover. A wrecked car. He sat behind it and looked up on the german line. Then he saw two Stukas (german fighter-planes) flying towards him. Both fired up their machineguns. He ducked. Actually he hoped to die because this was a pure hell. They missed. Now it was just too much. Forgetting the officers words how they treated those who retreated. He ran into a commisar. Both fell on the ground. As soon as both came up. Both of them got the situation the commisar raised he's gun to shoot the "traitor". In panic and desperation Potekarov pulled the trigger of he's weapon and shot the commisar. Around three commisars saw it and quickly armed Degytarev's (russian WW2 machinegun) and shot after him. Potekarev saw no need of falling to his own officers, so he ran towards the germans. Being fired at from both sides he knew he couldn't get away. In panic he threw himself in the ground.


While he was lying in the ground none of the machinegunes could hit him.
He was thinking of his wife. She surely knew she wouldn't see him again. Why were he drafted into the doomed armies of the allies. Why were he born when he was going to die anyway? That was what he was thinking.

He looked at the large Volka River. To him, it looked like it was filled with blood. He saw men from the destroyed boats drowning. He kept turning he's head from side to side to get from the horrid sights, but everywhere, it was even more scary to look.

He looked up. There was a Stuka. He saw something come down from it when it flew over his head. It was a bomb. Finally he could get out of the hell and into the heavens.....

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Thanks you for reading..

My rating (yay!):

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 10/20 — Nothing too original

Descriptions: 11/20 — They are quite accurate but WAY too short

Imagination: 12/15 — You did not imagine the story, but you had the intelligence to put a video game scene in a story, and the uber imagination to put some boats in a city where there is no sea or lake, except a very small river.

Writing skill: 6/15 — Typos. Don't worry, I do a lot myself.

Action: 10/10 — Action packed - what more to say?

Humor: 5/10 — I won't penalize you for this

Transposition of the author: 0/10 — I did not see anything personnal in any of the characters. You need to imply yourself in your story, thus showing us your feelings through the characters.


Global rating: 54/100 — This story is original because it's not "Another Warcraft Story", but there is something terribly missing: time. Your story goes too fast, you need to pause and make descriptions, and, if you are an experienced writer, insert some symbolics in the whole story. Remember that war can mean a lot of things, and you are the only one that can decide which one it will mean in your story, and it actually has only one meaning in your story: war itself. Also, death can be symbolized in a lot of ways, like stepping through a door, getting shot, and the story stops without knowing if he died, or just entering a long dark corridor.

Putted some more in it. Well. The rating was good enough for me, and im really not a taht good story-writer.

So thanks BadFutty.

Hope you liked it anyway :P

EDIT: I hope its clear to everyone that Potekarev is an unexperinced soldier that never knew how terrible war is! THATS why he get shocked all the time!

Well, ufotty, I believe that what you added did not boost the story much... you should just leave it as is, and make, later, another better one.

And, ufotty, stop calling my BadFutty plz... rofl

The add was mostly because of the thing i forgot to write, and i felt like making some more :P correcting the typos now.