The Desert

Ooo yes, I like this one. It took me a good hour or so to write, but I like the concept in general. I hope you do too.


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I was in a desert.

It was hot. The sun beat down, unimpeded by clouds or trees. The sand stretched out for miles and miles, not doing anything to help the 100 degree temperature. There was a huge dead animal a little to my east, and every here and there a cactus would dot the surroundings. The shade they provided was minimal, although I did know that they could provide water should I want to cut them open...

How did I know that?

I kept walking. Maybe wherever I was going would provide answers to the questions running through my head. If I really was going anywhere, any ways. I couldn't see a single thing out on the horizons but orange sand, except a huge black bird that swept by a little earlier. Scavenger, I said to myself...

How did I know that?

The big black bird swept its huge wings back in my direction. It looked at me for a second as if to say,"What are you doing here?". I shrugged. It had as good an idea as I did. It then started eating that same dead animal to my east. I was right - it was a scavenger. But how did I know?

I reached into my backpack and took a drink of water. Water... it was a nice thing in the scorching desert. I looked into my backpack, and saw five more gallon contairs full of water. I had packed just enough for my trip. Wait, what trip? How did I know that?

I had thought often of turning around and running, but how was I supposed to know that that way would be any faster? Maybe it would be further that way and I'd die of dehydration before I even reached the grass...

What's grass?

This was interesting; every time my mind started to wander it would bring up something that I didn't know before. I wanted it to continue but anyone who's ever tried will know that its hard to get your mind to do certain things. That reminded me of-... But before I could figure out who it was that it reminded me of, I had already realized that my mind was wandering, and effectively stopped myself.

As I kept walking, I decided to look through my backpack. There was the five gallons of water that I mentioned before. There was also a few loaves of bread, a blanket, and a note. The note was the most interesting thing. It read "I'm sorry I had to do this, but you will understand later...". If you can't understand that, then we're in the same boat. What's a boat?

I decided to keep thinking. What did I know? I looked about sixteen years old, but I couldn't say that for certain. I don't really even know my own name, although I think it starts with an s. I was wearing some brownish clothing that looked like animal skin. The shoes on my feet were just two pieces of leather stitched together... what's leather? what's stitch? I had brownish hair and blue eyes (I had seen myself a little bit ago by looking at my reflection in an oasis).

That same black bird looped back around over my head. It seemed like it was following me, but maybe I'm just paranoid, like my friend-... but before I could finish the thought, my mind rudely interrupted me to inform me that I had just stepped on a rock. Argh! Better pay more attention where I'm going next time.

I kept walking, but it was pretty late. I decided to set up camp, which mainly consisted of a blanket. You may wonder why the heck I need a blanket in the desert, I'll tell you: it gets freezing cold. Very cold. So cold it could snow. what's snow? All these little things are starting to get to me.

I woke up the next day. I now only had four gallons of water left, but I think that I can see something far off in the horizon... so distant that it kept on fading in and out of view. I decided to make my path head towards it. It is like the bright beam of hope that could keep a guy like me living.

I keep on thinking. I really shouldn't take anything I think for granted. For instance, yesterday I was thinking about trees and clouds. What on earth?? It's like my old memories are trying to get out - but they can't, except in little breaks past the enemy's lines, that is, whatever was done to me to make me forget. I try to urge them on, but it's as if they only come when I'm not paying attention to them. How do you pay Attention? Is he like a tax collector? What are taxes? ARGH!!!

By that night, I had learned two other important things. First, I was seventeen years old. (what's a year?) Second, my name started Str. I'm getting closer every day.

I only had three gallons left. I hoped I had got the number of gallons right when I had started the trip. (What trip??) I could still see the black dot far on the horizon, but it no longer faded out of vision, it now stays there permanently. It was like seeing a lifeboat at the end of the English Channel. What the heck did that mean? Additionally, I kept on seeing that huge bird... I'm not sure just what it is, but its sort of a comforting sight - I've gotten used to seeing it.

I kept on walking...and walking. Walking is repetitive after you've done it for a week straight. I guess anything would be. I had figured out that my name was Stra-, but I hadn't learned much of anything else of value. It was like my mind is slowing down, to conserve energy or something. Or maybe I wasn't picking up on what I was thinking. I now only had two gallons left, but that black dot in the distance was beckoning.

The next day, I just kept walking...and walking. I have a worry that I am nearly delirious, and you wont see me questioning what delirium is anymore... Must...just keep...walking... I only have one gallon of water left... but that black dot I can almost see details of... it's like a city...calling to me... I fall asleep.

I wake up on the last day. I only have one more gallon of water. I set off on a fast pace. I will beat this amnesia... amnesia? Is that what I have? Or...

I just keep walking. I see the black bird once more. It gives me... hope. I walk...and walk...and walk... the sun slowly is moving over the sky... the black city is getting bigger... I can now pick out individual buildings... it looks... oddly familiar... that house...to the left... haven't I seen it before? I keep walking... things... I've been here...before...

I make it to the city...and collapse.

I wake up in a bed. Who's bed? I look around. There is someone standing over me, who looks familiar... Oh! I realize who it is in a flash of understanding - its my paranoid friend Zach. He realizes I'm awake.

"I bet you wonder why your here, Strata... Well, I have just one thing to tell you: it was you who left that message for yourself."

It was me... what did that mean? Why would I ... but then suddenly I remember. Everything, all my memories, all my knowledge, comes rushing back. "Whoaaa..." I mutter to myself... and fall back asleep.


Far far away from the window of the house, the black bird goes in search of another traveler...

MUST... READ... AND... RATE...
Dammit I gtg right now
Will read&rate in a few hours

Ok, I'm going to go out on a limb here and make a guess.....

I'm stumpted.

Either he's a retard, an ant, or something I don't know.

Nice idea for a story. I like the idea of the black bird. That, to me, was the best part of the story. The questions of asking why and how, could of been address to make the story a little more interesting. Its a good start for a first draft. If you work it out, it could be better.

PS. what's this rating system i'm seeing? X/100? Sorry, haven't been on lately, so i'm clueless to what it means.

Yeah, generally I'm impatient for reviews so I just release the thing. Thanks for the comments.


Basically what people do is make up their own rating system, and then score people out of a total amount (usually 100 so you can see your percent score). It's not a standardized thing, so people will weight it towards what they want.



No, he's a human o.o

My rating (yay!):

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 20/20 — I was surprised, because I was sure that you were trying to fool us and he was a camel or something, but the end was really surprising. Excellent.

Descriptions: 15/20 — What the... ?!?! Usually, you do much more longer and accurate descriptions!!

Imagination: 13/15 — You definitely have some

Writing skill: 15/15 — You're really skilled for your age

Action: 8/10 — The action is quite fast paced and nice

Humor: 5/10 — As usual, I won't penalize, bleh...

Transposition of the author: 5/10 — It's not clear at all if you're "inside" your story or not. For the first time, you made a story without any personnal feelings. Dang. But it must be the point with that amnesia.


Global rating: 81/100 — One more story by johnfn, one more excellent rating. I'm getting used to it...

OK, human then. My overall rating:

56/100

(ya don't get much from the Lterary Whore!!!)

Can I know what the factors of that rating are?

I already told you people its a six-point rating

20 points for ideas
10 for conventions
10 for word choice
20 for voice
20 for organiazation
20 for flow

I don't wanna get into the whole thign now.

Ok, I'll just twiddle my thumbs and wait :P

I like to know where I can improve.