The Past

DONT CLOSE IT BECAUSE OF THE LENGTH!
(thanks Fladian hehe :P)


Its poetry, so whats the big deal? The lines are really short!



This one was VERY hard to write, mainly because of the sylible count (yeah, pay attention, its 5, 6, 7, 8), and the rhymes... (shiver) I'm not sure if I got the point across as clearly as I could have... *crosses fingers*

Also, I'm new to poetry... so, yeah. Have fun reading.





My world is all black
I don't know where I am
It presses inwards on me
Then the cloud of darkness raises

I'm in a city
It's unpopulated
As if everyone just left
Not even a mouse on the ground

I walk into the
first building my eyes see
Inside it I see broken
chairs, smashed windows, and... dead bodies

This scene is as if
it has been preserved for
a long time, as if maybe
it has been waiting for me here

It looks familiar...
I feel like I've been here
A sense of deja vu... but
I can't remember things clearly

I walk out of the
building that seems to
haunt me, to look for something
else that's here in this strange city

A small house attracts
my attention, and I
walk over, and look at it
It reminds me of somewhere else

But - I can't quite think
about where... where am I?
I think about that topic
And then I walk into the house

Once again, it's so
familiar... I look up
and see... broken windows,
smashed tables, a gun on the ground

The house is burning
but the fire is not
moving, not consuming things
within its grasp; not flickering

I walk over and
reach out my hand; I feel
no pain... no heat. I also
see another person standing

there, it looks like he's
stopped moving/everything
maybe he has some disease
stopping him like hidden strings

I leave the building
I don't understand this
I look around; everything
is stopped, something must be amiss

No birds flap their wings
No leaves fall to the ground
and then suddenly something brings
a solution to be found

I grab the idea, and
enter another structure
Another memory strand
forces my mind to restructure

There is a dead man
a bullet through his head
he thought he was better than
the others, or so he had said

And now he is dead
That's how this came to be
dead also those he had led
I know this because this man is me

Now I know: I'm made
to relive my life - all wrongs to
others; those that I betrayed:
they're haunting me all this life through

Not bad... but also, what I like to do in poetry is have a dictionary at your side, look up a word that doesnt rhyme for it but see if it has any other words after it for synonyms (sp) and you may find some rhyming words that way, try it out but anyways.. nice! catchy...

>Tinkor

Yeah I used http://www.rhymezone.com to save me from hideous pain, but it was still slow because I didn't want bad rhymes. Well, thanks for the complement :).

Lol, np. One other good way is to read a shakespeare poem... after that you'll see how you can use words to rhyme alittle differently I suggest "When Icicles Hang By the Wall" I'll post it if you want... I remembered it.

I found it with google :)

Thanks for the advice. Anyone else have comments?

It's good, but it doesnt really use alot of the elements of poetry. But for being new to poetry I commend you. Good job.