Over

this is sumtin i did for a school story thing for english. basicly war thing ya. and this is my liek first story ever so dont b to much of a critic!


-------------------------------chapter 1... the only chapter-------------------------------------
Off in the distance artillery and guns could be head. He knew it wouldn't be much longer before the fighting came to him. Mark was enrolled in the marines. Mark had brown hair, blue eyes, and a muscular body. The year before he had enrolled in the marines, never thinking anything like this happening.
It was just a month ago, when Germany, had launched a nuclear bomb on the U.S.. The result was devastating. Millions were killed. Even more wounded. Even now it is taking casualties from the radiation. The worse part was that the Germans made anti-radiation suits and were using them, keeping them from getting radiation sickness. Even now, as mark lay in his cot, he wondered. Was his family ok? Were they killed? Was he the only one left? None of these had an answer yet. He hoped that this was all a dream and he would soon wake up to see his family smiling. Unfortunately he knew this wouldn't happen, that this was real, and the U.S. was at war.
Why did the Germans do this? Why did when the U.S. launched an attack Russia and North Korea rush to their side? All these questions flying through Marks head, few getting answers. Mark was so exhausted. All day he had been making barricades and defenses. He had to admit though. When the Germans came, they wont be able to get through them. They had turrets, sniper posts, tanks hidden in underbrush, and several land mines. He was going to be a hero. After the war the president himself would give him a medal. His parents would be so proud.
But there was one thing that they hadnt coutned on. They hadnt expected that the three forces would so quickly get to their base. Mark was almost asleep when suddenly gunfire and bombing was heard all around him. He jumped up and ran to get his gun. he got it just in time as a german ran inside his tent. Mark raised his gun and was about to pull the trigger when he heard a shot. the german fell. mark looked to his right to see his friend, severely wounded, laying on his side with a handgun. Mark ran over, put him over his shoulder and began running. He ran and ran until he got to the rec room. several other marines had taken up fortifications inside and were shooting out of windows, doors, even custom made holes in the walls. suddenly, the gunfire stopped, and some one yelled," THEY'RE RETREATING!". The room burst out in cheers. it was only a few minutes later that they realized why the germans left in such a hurry. Artillery had lined up on a ridge and began firing onto the base. Mark heard the sound of a shell coming down straight towards him. The fight was over, as was his life, and the lives of several soldiers stationed with him in that base and all over the world. All for nothing. All over.

your the first subject for my grading.

i give you C-. for i could not read the whole thing due to boredum. im sorry for being a critic.

lol im not suprised its my first story

My rating (yay!):

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 2/20 — The kind of story you get as a result of playing too much Civilization and/or Empire Earth. No personnal work, some basic war script. Please think before writing...

Descriptions: 1/20 — Only one desription. And it's so detailed omfglolrofl!!

Imagination: 3/15 — Only scattered bits of inventive things. Nothing good.

Writing skill: 1/15 — You just wrote and posted. There are things you MUST do, like reading it over again, making several versions, and, very important, putting spaces and paragraphs in the text.

Action: 3/10 — There is action. But due to the lack of descriptions it is ridiculous.

Humor: 5/10 — I won't penalize you for this

Transposition of the author: 0/10 — You need to be "in the skin" of the main character(s) when you write. There are no feelings in your story, everything is said on a neutral tone.


Global rating: 15/100 — That was the worst thing I ever read. When I was 8, I made better stories. Please take you time before posting again and spare us the pain of reading crap. I feel lots of compassion for your poor teacher that had to read this.
The only thing 'over' in this story is your writing career.

dude y would i ever want a career in writing? im lookin for somtin in drummin or snowboardin. the 2 things im best at =D

I agree (more or lesser) with Bafyda (huh?). Nothing more to say

But Bafyda havn't you been a little hmm... "bitter" the last time. Is it just because Xiash is being a pain in your ass? (It dosn't seem to you like him :P)