The City of Whisp

This story is going to be very weird, and long too. I have to admit that it's slightly borrowing from "The City of Ember". I wont hint any more then that, and I hope you enjoy.
Oh, 'n' by the way, those poll options are a scoring system of 1 to 5, except I forgot the numbers. Just so you know.




Part 1

Dean ran down the long alleyway. His bare feet made no sound as they repeatedly hit the ground. His brown garb rippled as the wind from his speed hit it. He wasn't running for any particular reason; he just liked to run. The equal sized buildings on his left and right rushed past him in their perpetual grays and off-whites. Other roads would branch out every here and there on the alleyway, and Dean knew that the entire city was laid out in a grid like pattern. Each grid square, except central square, had exactly 16 gray buildings in it, in a 4x4 pattern. Dean had been told that there were exactly 384 buildings in the city. He did some arithmatic in his spare time and had discovered that there must be 25 blocks of 16 buildings, including central square.

Dean ran on and on, past other inhabitants that were taking life a little slower. Dodge to the left, run to the right, stay in the middle. It was actually kind of fun. He singled out his building from the endless line of the gray squares, and made a line for it. He ran just a little more, and then stopped midpace and placed his hand on the door. He opened it, and walked inside.

He looked inside his house. Empty of inhabitants, as always. He looked at the walls around the house. They were made of a strange brown material that had dark lines running through it. No one knew what it was. He then walked over to the kitchen and pulled out one of the premade meals that were pre-packaged for everyone in the city. He sat down and ate.

While he ate, he thought about what was going on in the city. The news worried him, to say the least. The leader of the city, they said, was sick. And worse then that was the ever present rumors about the Power Core.

In central square there lied the Power Core, which looked like a huge blue crystal. It consistantly gave off a strong blue light, and something much more important: energy. Every building in all of the city of Whisp depended on the Power Core, day and night, for that energy. Should it fail, there would be no light, no heat, no food...no anything. This was worrying news.

Dean whished fervently that he could do something about the cities bleak future. He had thought many times of adventuring out of the city, but he had heard all sorts of terrible things about people who left the city. Most never returned. Others that did returned with horror stories of the terrible blackness... the neverending darkness... that seemed to seep into your soul.

But Dean had considered everything, and he didn't think that there was anything else that he could do, no other tasks that he was meant to do. At the very least, he'd be able to prove that there was nothing out there. He was worried that maybe he would have the same fate as all those other failed attempts, but he had made up his mind and he was going to stick to it.

Dean walked up the staircase to his bed. Tonight he would sleep. Tomorrow, he would adventure.

Part 2

A lock on a door.

That's all it started with, really. A lock on a door. Every day, I would walk past that door. Every day, stare at the padlock wrapped across it with a solid iron chain. And every day, be stopped by the solid wooden door, right in the middle of the deserted building. The lock was clean and looked new, as were the chains. They shone as only metal shines in the sun. Every day, wondering about it, if only for a few moments before I got distracted by something else.

Incidentally, that "deserted building" is an inside joke between me and my friends, because it turns out it was once an icecream shop. Ha ha. So funny. But, no one can explain why it's locked up. Everyone says it's always been locked up, or that they never payed attention anyways. It was strange indeed, but nothing we really payed specific attention to. After all, there's a lot more to think about then some old building.

One day though, just for the fun of it, I decided to try and open the door. I am a naturally curious kind of person. If I was a cat, I'd probably be dead twenty times over. But anyways, I walked over to the door, and took a stick and tried to pry the iron chains off. No luck, none whatsoever, but I wasn't really expecting anything. Those were some strong chains, though. I took a little metal pick from my pocket, and tried to use it with the padlock, but I had no luck. I was impatient that day, so I left it. But I would be back.

The next day, I walked back from school, and this time I would not be denied. The huges trees in full color seemed to be trying to tell me something. Perhaps they were encouraging me. The sidewalk was solid under my feet as I ran on. The sky was covered in clouds, but the sun was peaking out, as if it was watching me. Who was I to deny the sun? I chuckled to myself, and then I saw the door.

It looked exactly the same as it ever had. Ever glistening steel chains, shiny iron padlock. I walked up to it and reached my hand towards it. I would not be stopped this time.

Just like that, the door opened inwards. I walked inside, and there was utter darkness. Darkness so complete and absolute that it made you want to gasp. Darkness so dark that you wouldn't know if you were knocked out. I was so suprised that I didn't have much time to react to anything. Then the door slammed behind me.

What the hell is that poll up there? You want people to give you a blind rating and therefore no tips to get better and no detailed rating? I'll rate this later... and I boycott the poll!

Actually, the poll is a clever device employed by me to bump my post back up to the top when someone votes but doesn't want to write out an entire review (due to laziness or other things) and someone can still vote on the poll AND write a review as well!

I will write a rewiew AND not vote in the poll.
Hah :@ :@ :@

My rating (yay!):

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 10/20 — Only half because you're a damn copycat ^_^

Descriptions: 13/20 — Try to focus more on descripting, you usually do way better

Imagination: 10/15 — Still a copycat... but with good ideas

Writing skill: 12/15 — I hate you because I always give you a high rating at writing skill. I won't give you more because you used no litterary figures! hah @@@

Action: 5/10 — I guess more will come later...

Humor: 5/10 — HAHAHAHAA YOU ARE SO FUNNY MAN I <3 YOU PLZ DO MORE... Oh wait... that was the text for "The Last Bomb". Neh I just say: "I won't penalize you for this"

Transposition of the author: 10/10 — At least we can feel your feelings in the hero. Oh my god I'm becoming more and more hippie when I'm saying this. Do one with the hero. Do one with the nature. You are one with everything my friend. *cough* *cough* nice weed though.


Global rating: 65/100 — A quite good rating for a beginning, especially from ME (thunder strikes, bats fly out of the window, you can hear a scream in the disctance). Seriously, I (thunder strikes, bats fly out of the window, you can hear a scream in the distance) quite like where this is going. Please do more Johnfn (thunder misses, bats crash on the window, you can hear people laughing in the distance) I (thunder... this is boring) want to hear more, because I (...) like it.

your the guniea pig for new rating system


What my inner nerd was screaming while reading this: Shinanigan!

Why: Cmon jony boy. Your testing me arnt you. Your taking over used ideas and then using them again! YOU WANT TO SEE HOW FAR YOU CAN PUSH ME??? Well its pretty far so dont tire your self out.

Overall: 6/10 I didnt like it. I gave you a "Meh" rating because your a good writer but plot and originality means alot to me. AND YOU JUST TAKE IT AWAY. anyways when i see a original story you wont get a shinanigan. maybe a "bleh" but hey you never know.

Ok all this "unoriginal" stuff is making me mad ;) I'm going to write the story of doom. You'll see... You'll all see!! MUAHAHAhahaha!! Err, right.

maybe we wont see. but hey you can dream cant you?

Hahaha, that reminded me of a time my friend swore to get revenge on me, because I embarrassed him in front of some girls. It ended up with him saying "I will get my revenge, you will see... I'll show all of you!!! Muhahaha". The funny part is when everything went silent after that. I couldn't stop laughing, after the silence.

EDIT: I'll check your grammar and give you my opinion tomarrow.

Funny, this thread is about 3 weeks old. Looks like someone revived it through the poll. Go ahead and review it though, I need some inspiration for a new story... Maybe I can continue this one.

I like the story, it sounds like something I would say ;) (Hey wait, I just did, didn't I?)

(Oh, btw, it's tomorrow :P)

Johnfn, you amaze me, you managed to rewiew your own text. Cheers.

I won't bother to review it then, if it is three weeks old. Unless you really want me too, I will.