R&K

I wrote this story for a French competition where the subject was "The industrial revolution". A quite hard subject...
The whole story is translated from French only for wc3c, enjoy!


Tommy spit his tobacco and headed towards the pub. Since he knew the place, he went every evening to R&K, the only place where he had friends. He was happy to be done with another long day of work at Mr. Ruthbert's pension. It was an stupid old man who recieved money to take care of orphans, but spent it all for his personnal needs, leaving dying children alone in the streets.
Tommy passed the King's Cross railroad, that was being constructed, and entered the londonian City. A black fog of pollution covered the streets, therefore the rare pedestrians were breathings in tissues. The fog was a direct cause of pollution, but also due to the fact that the aristocrats leaved on the hills and let the workers live alone in the deadly fog.
After a quite long walking session, Tommy arrived near Whitechapel and entered R&K. All his friends were inside. Charlie "the Drunk", Gurth "the German", Hubert "the Fat". All except Sammy "the Comic", who was not here yet. Tommy took his usual place and started talking with Roy, the barman.
"- Say, Roy, isn't that smoke in the streets even harsher today?
- It's these damned aristos' , I tell you, these aristos' want us to die. We're already not much useful, but, when they'll be done creating they stupid motor thingies, we'll be useless. Someday, they'll make a raid and kill us all! Tommy, you have a bit of money, so go to the States. At least, you'll live normally there.
- Don't worry Roy, you're too pessimist. Anyway, with the wound I had in Crimea, I recieve monthly money, and I almost live of it. I'm happy here.
- We're gonna kill these aristos' someday!
- Yeah, said charlie, we're gonna destroy them! Look at their stupid motors, you put a crumb inside, and they explode!
- Hay, said Sammy, who just entered, if you're a terrorist, you put a biscuit!"
Everyone laughed. Sammy was gifted and could make anyone laugh. Even at the worst moments. Sammy lost his wife and two childrens recently in a mine accident.
"- You know what I think of their inventions, said Gurth, it's not by stuffing a feather up your ass that you'll make flying turds!"
Once more, everyone burst in laugher. Gurth was funny, with his stupid German expressions.
"- Someday, said Hubert, I'll take my Winchester and stuff them with lead!
- Which Winchester? I asked
- My Winchester, answered Hubert, I'm sparing money to buy one. In a few months, I'll have enough. Roy, another beer!
- It's on the way! said Roy, but, at this pace, you won't have any spare money this month!"
Everyone laughed again.


For a few hours, Tommy and the others had been laughing and drinking. But Tommy had to go back home and sleep. Sadly, he reached Kingsway, a big street still in construction, went up Southampton Row, passed Holborn and Russel Square, and finally was home. He had the chance to live on a very small hill.
But, when he saw his building, he saw the army was surrounding it.
"- It's forbidden to enter, Sir, the building is requisitionned by the State to be sold.
- But! It's my house! I pay my wages! I'm a honest gentleman!
- Sorry, it's an official order.
- And... my belongings?
- Requisitionned.
- My clothes... my money...
- Everything now belongs to the State here!"
Tommy, desperate, tried to convince the guard, but it did not work. He roamed in the streets of the city, heading pointlessly South.


Charlie, Gurth, Hubert. Sammy, et Roy. They were all here. At the cemetary. On the grave, we could read:

Tommy Barnes
1817-1873

Hubert himself spent all the money he spared for his Winchester to pay Tommy's funeral. He also added an inscription on the grave:

"A brave gentleman. He was always nice with others. Died of pollution the 3rd of March, 1873."

Sammy had added a line to the inscription:

"A feather up the ass won't make your turds fly"


Ronald was one of the workers building the Millenium Bridge. It was a very modern bridge that was built to celebreate the queen's jubilee and the year 2000, who came simultaneously. He continued digging, but hit a stone. He unearthed the big stone, and read an inscription on it. Some guy named Tommy Barnes, who died in 1873, was buried here. Probably an ancient cemetary. He opened the big stone grave and found a skeleton. And in this skeleton's hand, strangely well conserved, a biscuit. In the pocket of the dead person, also strangely well conserved, a note:

"Life hates me. So does the aristocrats. Today, I'll do a terrorist act and I hope this will save us all from the oppression.'"

A madman. Ronald had opened the grave of a madman. He threw the grave, the skeleton, the biscuit, and the note in the Thames, thinking they were a sign of bad luck.


"The 27th of November, 1999, a man named Ronald Chamberton, worker, died. The autopsy concluded nothing, not even a heart attack."

When he read this in the newspapers, Tommy's phantom was happy. He finally had revenge..

How odd, I don't know how to describe it really. It was good but strange...

I can't really think of any comments right now but I'll rate it anyways. 8/10, I don't really have anything to say to justify my rating.

Writing Skill 16/20

You have some skill, and since you're originally French and not English/American I'm not going to take off too much here. However, the story seemed choppy some times, and occasionally I saw commas where commas should not be, and periods where commas should be...

Character Development 11/15

You could have done a lot better at this I know, since the story left such little time for developing characters. I could sort of feel where the characters were going, but they didn't say enough for me to get a total idea for their character.

Creativity 9/10

Well if I hadn't known it had to be restricted to this topic it would have been a full 10/10. Very creative and I still don't completely understand it :P

Descriptions 7/15

And this is where you stumble and fall, because there are very few descriptions: most of your story is talking. Your story seems too rushed overall and didn't have nearly enough time for anything.

Grammar 8/10

I already mentioned most of it in writing skill. Sometimes it's a little choppy, but it isn't blatantly bad.

Flow 5/10

Bah, I've said that it was choppy before, but here's where I explain myself.


The first sentence starts out and it seems like a bad mood. Suddenly though with the mention of "friends" it swings back to a good mood. You also say "happy" which helps it too. Then suddenly you call Mr. Ruthbert "stupid" and WHAM it's now angry, and it stays that way for a full sentance. Now that's three mood swings in one paragraph and worse is that it's the first paragraph.

It shouldn't do that: mood should stay mostly constant, or at least change slowly. The problem is that this continues throughout most of the story, which leads to a "choppy" read as I call it. I said to myself, "Since this is the only real fault I can find with his story I better explain it well," so I did.

Tilt 18/20

I liked it through the "choppiness" :P and small errors. At least you can think up engrossing storylines since I forgot how. ^_^

Overall 74/100

Well that's how the cookie crumbles. Err, thats how my rating system rates. Maybe it's a little biased... aah, what the heck. Adieu!

I feel crappy for the descriptions, but the full theme was "The Industrial Revolution"... but it was limited in length. I thought: "I'll add some more descriptions in English" but forgot to... DAMN... too late now.
About the flow, I read it, and read the French version. It's strange how it totally changes. All I can say is... wtf... French makes the whole story look tragic while in english you get a lot of stupid feelings coming from nowhere... it's funny how French is way better to write stories, let's hope I'll master better and better English... until the D-Day where I'll publish a book in English.. in 2078

I cant say much about it so here:
Writing Skill 16/20

You have some skill, and since you're originally French and not English/American I'm not going to take off too much here. However, the story seemed choppy some times, and occasionally I saw commas where commas should not be, and periods where commas should be...

Character Development 11/15

You could have done a lot better at this I know, since the story left such little time for developing characters. I could sort of feel where the characters were going, but they didn't say enough for me to get a total idea for their character.

Creativity 9/10

Well if I hadn't known it had to be restricted to this topic it would have been a full 10/10. Very creative and I still don't completely understand it :P

Descriptions 7/15

And this is where you stumble and fall, because there are very few descriptions: most of your story is talking. Your story seems too rushed overall and didn't have nearly enough time for anything.

Grammar 8/10

I already mentioned most of it in writing skill. Sometimes it's a little choppy, but it isn't blatantly bad.

Flow 5/10

Bah, I've said that it was choppy before, but here's where I explain myself.


Quote:
Tommy spit his tobacco and headed towards the pub. Since he knew the place, he went every evening to R&K, the only place where he had friends. He was happy to be done with another long day of work at Mr. Ruthbert's pension. It was an stupid old man who recieved money to take care of orphans, but spent it all for his personnal needs, leaving dying children alone in the streets.



The first sentence starts out and it seems like a bad mood. Suddenly though with the mention of "friends" it swings back to a good mood. You also say "happy" which helps it too. Then suddenly you call Mr. Ruthbert "stupid" and WHAM it's now angry, and it stays that way for a full sentance. Now that's three mood swings in one paragraph and worse is that it's the first paragraph.

It shouldn't do that: mood should stay mostly constant, or at least change slowly. The problem is that this continues throughout most of the story, which leads to a "choppy" read as I call it. I said to myself, "Since this is the only real fault I can find with his story I better explain it well," so I did.

Tilt 18/20

I liked it through the "choppiness" :P and small errors. At least you can think up engrossing storylines since I forgot how.

Overall 74/100

Lol, i guess i can say a LOT about it

I don't get it... the end doesn't make sense. Ronald was a industrial aristocrat?

Yes, I read it, and understood everything, except the ending.

What my inner nerd was screaming while reading this: EXCELENT!

Why: BFD i love you for this. Very very very good. As you said a very difficult subject to cover but you did it magnificently (i may add that i studied the revolution for a while) and i must say you got it to a T. i LOVED it. good job.

Overall: 10/10 it was perfect. dont change.

I'll give your own rating to this later on today, I'll be going to school first.

My own rating???

*fear*

I'll be waiting... with impatience!

To clear something up above anything else. Several people know that I hate, mock and dispise French in any way I can. I hate the nation and the language and everyone who was officially in French never got much respect in my eyes either. I hate it more than anything else, though it won't have any influence on this.


'Received', not "recieved."

'Personal', not "personnal."

This doesn't ring a bell for me, but the "londonian" is probably a name. In other words, you missed a capital.

I don't know if you did this on purpose or not, but it should clearly be 'we're already not very useful' or anything else. "Much", isn't fit here.

I personally found this too fast. Switching subjects is fine, though try to put some distance between it. Explain the enviorment if necessary, or create a whole new paragraph, but this is just too fast.

I can't say I'm very familiar how to write the word - nor am I familiar how to write it in Dutch :P - but I am pretty sure it should be "pessimistic" here.

Missed a capital.

Sadly, he reached Kingsway, a big street still in construction, went up Southampton Row, passed Holborn and Russel Square, and finally was home.
Uh... what did just happen? He wasn't happy because he reached Kingsway and you described Kingsway. Unfortunately, you instantly switched to the previous part of the sentence again (that he arrived in Kingsway) but they don't connect to each other well.
Take an example by cutting "a big street still in construction" out of it. The sentence would be: 'Sadly, he reached Kingsway, went up Southampton Row, passed... blah, blah." You didn't bother to explain why you used "sadly" either. Not in this sentence, as in the following sentences.

Last time I checked, "sir" was not written with a capital.

Rent. I doubt he is paying them "wages."

'An honest gentleman.'

'Requisitioned', not "requisitionned"

This could have gone two ways, and you did not use any of them. It could have been "Tommy, desperately tried to convince the guard (though I would prefer officer)", but it could also have been "Tommy, desperate to convince the guard..."

"Et Roy", you said?

Are you sure you meant "with"? Don't you mean "to others"? Though it would be a nice way to describe me from time to time with "he was always nice with others."

'Celebrate', not "celebreate."

Hmm... not 'which' instead of "who?"

''', not "'''" :P (Behind "opression" :P)

That were most mistakes I could pick out at the moment. Though I am sure I missed some, and I purposely skipped some - mostly because I already pointed a similar mistake out.

Your rating (yay!):

Before you read your rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.
But of course, you know that.

Before you read the rating I am going to give, know that I am a lot stricter in several cases than you, or most - if not, all - others are.

Script: 15/20 — In opposite of the many people who commented on it, and the people who considered it "great", I have very little to say about it. It was good nonetheless, but nothing I would actually speak up for.

It was a nice story for a change and I guess I enjoyed reading it.

Descriptions: 6/20 — The descriptions of the area were good, the descriptions of the characters them selves were either too short, or not accurate enough.
Except for describing them in a single word, "the Drunk", "the German" as example, more than that was not available. There was hardly any description available to any of the characters - not even Tommy.

Imagination: 8/15 — It isn't all that special. It looks more like a quick attempt to put something together to show that you can write something as well - not offensively meant. Especially by picking one of the easiest subjects.
- Man in a bar.
- Man refuses/can't (to) go home.
- Man disappears - or in this case, dies.
That is the usual way of writting something like this. The only thing that was new to it, was that the man named 'Ronald' found him.

Writing skill: 6/15 — Yeah, it's fine. You saw that I was able to pick several mistakes out of it, and in most cases, I would rather see different words or at least a little more description on that place.
The friends of Tommy said about one thing. Even though it was a short story in total, there was nothing to do about it.

Action: 5/10 — No action.

Humor: 4/10 — If what I saw was humor at a certain moment, then it was a bad attempt of it and didn't even made me think of smiling.

Transposition of the author: 5/10 — It is a day from the daily life of Tom Barnes. In a daily life, you can't "transposition" yourself in the person, no matter how hard you try.
It's as if you are writting a story about a dog. As long as you ain't a dog yourself, you can't perfectly imagine what the dog would think. This is something slightly similar.


Global rating: 49/100 — A 49, I guess that's fine. I already said that I would be somewhat stricter than others.
But still, it remains your own rating.

I must say that I sort of enjoyed myself while reading it, though somewhat less than usual because I was missing something on the radio I wanted to listen to. But I guess that could wait. Regardless, it was a nice story with nothing special in particular, nor anything particular bad. A near 50, of the 100 is an accurate way to make it come to a conclusion.
To say it easier of what I liked in particular:
- I was especially fond on the friends of Tommy, even though they were not developed or explained. Sammy, the only one who was described, (unless you count "barkeeper" as a description as well) was someone I would also like in real life. That's a personality that matches myself.
- The descriptions of the streets. Though they were only decent, it was enough to make me satisfied.
- An ending that heavily satisfied me.

Disliked:
- No quotation marks during conversations of people. That annoyed me the most of the entire story.
- No descriptions of the characters. I couldn't form an imagine of how they would look like.
- I couldn't live with the story. There was no excitement, nothing to think about, nothing. There was nothing to grab me, and forces me to keep reading. I could stop whenever I wanted when I read it. That's a big bad thing.
Even a daily life of someone can have something that would keep me reading. That was what it lacked the most.

I agree with your rating, or my rating, or our rating, or... whatever... with that 49/100

The only point is disagree with is this:
This is the kind of think I hate to read. You could have written this about French, English, German, South-africans, Chinese, anyone, I hate you for writing this. Really. How come you hate a whole nation for a few clichés? Come on, 99% of French people hate Americans because they only live to be greedy and selfish and are all protestant extremists or stinky mexicans. Is that true? Not at all. Deal with it.
You just insulted a nation, my nation in that case, and I suddenly lost all respect for you and your egocentric attitude. I hope you'll prove being more clever in the future.

Whatever rating. It's a rating.

Sorry to hear it, but since everyone knows, I might as well clear it up. Otherwise I am pretty sure someone would point out that I bothered to rate something "French", while everyone knows I hate it.

I have respect for every nation, though I lost most - if not all... no, most - respect for pretty much all French.

Poor you.

It's not like I don't believe you.

To start with, I was grown up with people around me that hated French. As from a young age, I disliked it. When I learned about common knowledge, I made my own research through the help of French people and other things.

The French language is something I hate the most of all.

I wouldn't care what a certain nation thinks. The Netherlands is well known for their hate for Germans (mostly because of the second World War), though I never agreed with any hate for Germans.
Probably not because I never was there when the War was there, but I without a doubt, I would hate them as well when I was involved. Some people just don't forget such things, and I gladly accept that.

I'm dealing with it. You're the one who started to complain.

...and will do so again, if you want. I could care less about an entire nation and I could care less about the nationality of someone.

Then disrespect it; you won't hear my complain about it. But my hate for French stays the same, no matter what happens. I also have all the reasons to have it.

You're just peeling every sentence of my text and writing some wind about it. What about writing real phrases? Something that has more sense than repeating what I say. And, worse of all, you say you hate a nation for its language? Well, all I can say is OMFG you're a retard. A big retard. I think you're lying on your age on the Internet and are under 10. There's no way you could be mature and make such somments.

No, not really. I just have a lot of bad experience with France and their inhabitants. You apparently have a hard time seeing how someone can hate something.

You are starting a useless argument about something. I hate France, and that's all that's to it, discussion closed. I could care less if you were from France or Iceland for all I would care.

Partly, but that isn't the full reason why I would actually "hate" it. 'Hate' is something that goes a lot further than just "dislike" after all.

Oh, so now you try to insult me? Ha, ha, have fun.

I like you too.

So, I would be under the ten years old and have:
1. A better grammar than you.
2. Am far more mature than you.
3. Doesn't have a bad fur day everday.

...and there is no way that you are not a sick guy.

Happy?
Anyway, if you want to talk about nations, open a thread in the off-topic section, or discuss it through PM's. This is the Stories Galore forum, if you didn't notice that yet.

Then I'll have a request. It would be nice if you would please not post in my stories threads and I wouldn't post in yours. It's more simple than coming and saying "omfg france sucks i hate french" and after justificating that you said this because you hated France. So you say you hate France because you hate France. Wow, thats a big argumentation. Anyway, let's stop this conflict, it would be much simpler. And BTW...
1 - I learned English at school. In Netherlands you have to deal with english, movies are in english, while we have them in french, you have some english TV channels, etc. I think my English is very good for a French guy...
2 - Well, let's say you are more mature than me, so you'll jump in joy because someone said you're mature and crack your mickey underpants, and take a Winnie the Pooh underpants in which you peed yesterday night to change them, and leave the computer because it's time to watch the teletubbies.
3 - I hope this was not an attempt at being funny.