Dead man knocking.

Came from a story my mother told me a while back bout her and her childhood. Changed the ending though.




"OK, OK guys we gotta focus for this!" Said Sarah in a grown up tone.

"Focus shmocus Sarah!" Yelled back Michelle.

It was a Friday night sleep over at Kates house. Although sleep was involved in the name none of us were doing it. We were all around a Wiji board. Sarah brought it in hopes of freaking us out, but naturally none of us took it seriously.

"Cmon guys lets give it a chance. We may talk to my old goldfish!" I stated.

With that we all calmed down and looked at the board.

"Ok. Everyone take a hand and put it on the dial. Ill be on the bottom cause Ill do the talking." Explained Sarah.

No one really knew what to expect. I guess it was going to be a surprise.

"Tortured souls and spirits around us. Who is out there?" Said Sarah in a chanting tone. A few of us couldnt help to look around in a sarcastic look.

Suddenly the dial moved. First to Y...then E...then S. Yes said the board. No one could move. Sarah seemed content with the reply but the rest of us were freaked out.

"Who are you?" Asked Sarah.

Then in the same way as the first reply the board began to tell us. Bill. short simple answers.

"Are you related to any of us here?" Sarah asked. These were really weird questions.

Yes. I began to think this spirit lacked originality. I had suspicions it was just Sarah playing a joke. Untill the fourth reply.

"To whom?"

Jackie. OK now I was freaked out. Everyone was in on it on me. I knew it.

"How?"

Grandfather Frank Now this seemed like a normal response but keep in mind that my Grandpa Frank died last year...and I came to this school only a few months ago so none of these girls would know.

"Prove you are really with us Bill." Now Sarah was saying her questions slow and steadily.

Out of no where knocking came on the wall from the next room. Alot of the girls tensed.

"Was that you knocking Bill?"

No.

All the girls tensed now even Sarah.

"Then who was it Bill?"

My son.

"Your son is there with you Bill?"

No. He is with you.

That's kinda freaky...*cold chills*

O_o, I like it! We may need more suspense and terror/horror stories in the Story Forums.

Nice, you said you changed to ending, me wanna hear the real ending!

Well it was really good

First, I'd like to say that the play on "dead man walking" was pretty nifty. Although it does bring to mind certain ... connotations.

A few things I'd like to point out:

Kate's.


^^;. It's spelt Ouija.


Goldfish ... don't ... talk? :P. And '"we might be able to talk to my dead goldfish!" I wheedled' sounds smoother. 'Might' implies a chance, and if you state something, it's usually a fact, so wheedling is better in this case.


You seem to miss out the aprostrophe pretty often. It's "I'll".


This is one problem that none of you seem to be able to shake off. The golden rule when writing is: don't repeat the same verb or adjective within two lines of each other. Heck, if you can don't even repeat the same verb/adjective within the same page. Try "A few of us couldn't help but exchange sarcastic glances." I personally prefer "A few of us couldn't help but roll our eyes sarcastically.", though.

Anyhow, that was a pretty good try - I'd give it a 7/10, not counting the possible typos or grammatical mistakes =).

lol. i said Wiji because i dont wanna get sued. AHAHAHAHAHAH.

anyways what does it matter about the sentence metioning a gold fish. these are obviously preteen girls who dont really care about grammar. its a quote. so in this case you are wrong.

other than that i will go back and correct later tonight.


and the reall ending ended up with the knocking happening then the girls got to afraid to keep going.

This would only be true if they wrote something and then read it aloud, even then their brains would correct the misspellings automatically.

This story was very interesting, not much wrong with it besides what Decadence said already.

8/10, very good story.