The Attic

Ok....so the story might not be so great but this is my 1st :D
Lol so bfd you can spare your brutal ratings, I know it's not that good :8
==========================================================
THE ATTIC

There is an attic in my house, too scary one might say.

"Why don't you come up and play?"
I hear voices, constantly, everywhere... I must not obey them!
"Come to us"
Never!
"Now!"

I get nightmares of this attic, the attic that calls my name.
I must not obey, "You must!"
I can't, it's true. So I go to this attic and shiver in fear.
"Come to us!" I walk up some steps, towards the attic.
"Play with us!" I walk up some more...
"You must..."
I'm there, in that attic full of fear.
The attic transforms in my nightmares and into my nightmares this attaic turns.
I turn around to flee, but the stairs have already disappeared.
Something lurked in the shadows, something near. I waited, I screamed, but no one ever came, to this nightmare I was in.
One final scream echoed in the distance from that attic in my house. No one ever heard or came to see this attic of my house. So forgotten it is now.
Time goes on outside and in. This attic so grim, never to see the light of day.
One might say I was corrupt and thank heavens I've gone forever in that attic, filled with fear.

==========================================================

Ok, so it's not very long either, and maybe the dialog isn't too good either but what the heck!

Peace,
Destruction

This story was not very good in my opinion. The story seemed rushed, which might of been an attempt to make it more action packed; all it did was leave the story with alot to be desired. There are so few descriptions in this story, I can count them on one hand. A quote from Johnfn can describe how I felt while reading this...
While your story is not about pirates or on the ocean this quote is still very much true for your story.

Besides the problems of descriptions there were a few grammer and spelling errors, I'll let Azhag or Decadence point them out though =P

While I can't say this was a good story you seem to have potential, the last few lines are good but the rest of the story is not up to snuff. Overall I'm giving you a 3/10, below average with lots of problems.

Though Decadence is far better with grammar then I am, I'll still correct what I saw.


After 'never' you should have a period or something.


'come to us!' and 'play with us!' both should be capatilized at the start of the quote. I find it funny, because you capatilized the quote after those two.


Why did you capaitalize 'outside'?

That is all I could see, but I was rushed because school was over. Decadence can finish what I missed, if I missed anything.
~Azhag~

rushed and too short. but other than that good for your level. i wont put you under my normal "inner nerd" ratings.

I told you guys it wasn't that good :D
But it was my first story and I don't write much :D
I'll fix some of the grammar, spelling, ect.

Thanks though ^_^

Arg! It's 'write'.

Lol that made made me crack up :D
I'm sorry I'll be more carful next time

It was OK.

Highest rating yet ^^ woot, lol thanks

I guess the second sentence concerned me, so I'll rate you... heh...

My rating (yay!):

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 10/20 — Short but interesting. Sounds like a poem or a song in a text, original and good.

Descriptions: 8/20 — This lacked descriptions, but I won't give you a too low rating for this, as this story sounds... wierd

Imagination: 4/15 — That was not the best part. Sure your story was original, but it had nothing terribly new in it.

Writing skill: 9/15 — A few typos, but that's not so important, and, as johnfn would say: "OMFG YOU HAVE THE FLOW, MAN!" (I'll never get used to his "flow" rating, but it's the perfect word to describe your story)

Action: 1/10 — That was as intensive as a snail race

Humor: 5/10 — I won't penalize you for this.

Transposition of the author: 5/10 — Impossible to know in this story...


Global rating: 42/100 — This story was not excellent when I first read it, but, when I read it loud, it sounded so... wierd... and... twisted... this story was just good. Because it sounded like a song or a poem, maybe. Or maybe because I liked the way it went. Or maybe because it just was quite good. Still, you don't beat the 50 mark... maybe next time ^_^

Heh, it's 'careful'.


It's 'weird'.


Same as above, 'weird'.

Azhag, please don't tell me you're doing like Fladian and correcting every single typo people do... I'm not english and therefore I do typos, sure it's nice to correct them, but weird/wierd is a typo I always do because it sounds differently in my language...

It was a joke, I'm not that anal.
FYI: A typo is when you make the mistake once, not more then once.

Anyways, who cares, I have done the same thing, no worries. I even spelled the name of my story wrong. :P
Oh crap, I got to get the next chapter posted.

^_^
I was so pissed by Fladian's racist postings that lead to the closure of my story... I just get mad when I see a single correction now...

Azhag look under my sig, on the post where you said I spelled careful wrong. If your that carEful you'd have seen it :D
(Oh, and I'm from a different country :))

Oh and bfd, at first I wanted it to be a poem, but then it kinda turned into a story...but it still sounds somewhatlike a poem (or w/e)