Fly.

Church bells are heard not to far away, making the sound of a thousand weeping angels. The ground is damp with the air foggy. Although there is no rain the patrons hold umbrellas in a hand with a rose in the other.

One by one the roses are placed on the wooden surface, the flowers completely cover the lid of the oak imprisiment. The coffin lowers into the ground.

A man in white robes quote sayings from a leather book before bowing his head saying something to a higher power.

The patrons walk away. The robed man walks with a crying girl and consoles her.

Everyone has left heed one. The one takes a shovel and pours the dirt onto the coffin. Some roses fall to the sides of the box.

The hole is full. The one walks away.

From the confusing tumbling of the soil a small earthworm emerges from the ground. A raven lands on a branch. Then swoops down picking the worm with its mouth.

Now he shall fly.

Fly.

The story is mildly interesting, not for the story itself, but because you speak like master Yoda ffs

Apart from the terrible grammar, this story has potential, but the way you wrote it really destroys it spirit. But this story would be nice formulated in a poem or something similar.

Exactly. Your idea is good, but the structure of the words themselves really doesn't work to your advantage.


Why not something more like

And instead of
Try

:shrug: Just a few suggestions, take 'em or leave 'em ;) Anyways, the idea is good but the execution could have been better.

my execution was made that way on purpose. and yes i will leave 'em.

the whole point of that story was to write something with small plot but awfull grammar. i was laughing my ass off writing this, just trying to make it annoying to read and so on.

like did no one notice that its probubly awfull? sure it could raise some philisophical questions but to the normal less educated person this is a nightmare.