Plague

I've decided to write a story
Plot:Basicly based on Warcraft of the Scourage of Lordearon


Plague

"Look out!" Yelled one of the soldiers, there was a large pile of bodies being flung through the air. The corpses landed on three unlucky soldiers. Undead were beseigeing the stone castle 'Jer'lar'. There seemed to be endless waves of horrendous ghouls and skeletal creatures. I, with many soldiers were preparing to charge if the undead were to destroy the gate. Suddenly, A horrible screach filled our hearts with fear and the gate came crashng down on nearby soldiers.
"CHARGE!!!!!" Bellowed one of the knights and the army of brave humans sprung forth like a 100 horses into the undead swarm, excepting only pain and death.
Many hundreds of men and undead were killed in the first charge, and one after another undead creatures of every sort attacked us. Suddenly, a large abomination came out of nowhere and swatted me out of battle, I was nearly unconcious when I saw a strange rider leading another wave of undead.

I woke up who-knows how long later, I was incrediably sore and my head felt as if it burned as 10 wildfires. I was to weak to raise myself from the ground and I couldn't see anything. Out of exahuastion I collasped once again. When I finally awoke I looked at my clothes expecting to see armor of some sort but what I saw was, a large black staff and a runed black robes. I was very surprized so I used much strength to raise myself to a standing position. I looked at my surrondings and saw only rubble and ruins. I was totally lost in these strange ruins that I had no memory of. Suddenly, my head seemed to explode with pain and I almost collasped. Strangly I heard a icy dark voice in my head, then the head-ache stopped and I finally noticed a strange book in a pouch which was in my robe. I took it out and attempted to open it but it would not open. "Why won't this thing open!" I said curiously. Then I heard someone say "nar'dh uf'da dago" I swung around and saw a wounded human soldier. For some reason he was talking in a language I couldn't understand. He then scowled at me and attempted to pull out his sword to slay me. I then for a split-second I said a word 'Nu'grak!' and the human was ripped inside-out by some sort of magic!

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End of my first part

I'll give you my grammar check, then I'll comment on your story.


This could be worded better. I'll give an example, "Yelled one of the soldiers, as piles of bodies were being flung through the air."


No need to capatilize the 'a' after the comma. Also, you forgot the 'i' in 'crashing'.



The second dialouge is done correctly, the first one isn't. Two things are wrong with the first one. First, there is no need to capatilize the entire word, a simple exclamation mark will do. Second, when you are using an exclamation mark, only one is nessecary.


I found this sentance hard to read at first, like confusing. I understand what is going on, but it sounded incorrect. Example, "Bellowed one of the knights, as the army of brave humans sprung... yada, yada"
Also, the number used in this sentance should be put another way, to be correct. All numbers under eleven should be written in their word form, all numbers above eleven 'can' be written like the number, except numbers like "100", "1000" "10000", and so on. Those numbers should be written like the word.


The number should be written as, 'ten'. :P


You used a wrong word here. "I was too weak to raise myself from the ground... yada, yada."



Another one of those sentances that made me arch my head sideways, like a dog when it is confused about a noise. Example, "I was very surprized, and I used too much strength raising myself to a standing position."


I.. I.. I, think there is too many I's in this sentance. Example, "Then for a split second, I said a word 'Nu'grak!'... yada, yada.
Also, on split second, there is no need for the dash... this thing "-".

My opinion on this story? It was okay. You seemed to rush the story, which isn't good. Your sentances also seem to fall apart sometimes. If your computer has Microsoft Word, use it just for spelling. You need to be more descriptive. Describe the main character, his appearence, and so on.
Don't let this post discourage you, and always remember to do a proof read. I proof read this post.
~Azhag~