Tempest of Iron: Concept Critique

*clears throught* Ehem. I present a concept story idea for a possible mod, fanfic (without... being a fan of anything in particular... what does that make it?) or even a possible amateur MMORPG using the soon to be released Realm Crafter engine. Although it should seem like a typical Empire vs. Rebellion cliche at first, I hope I have succeeded in developing much more than that.

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Time. What is time? A creation of humanity. It is all fogotten. All that matters now is the Strife. The result of the Age of Harmony has become what will be an endless aeon of war. As humanity's society fell apart, consumed with the insane need for conquest, the Monarchy arose; an organization bent on zealously holding galactic order. A n a r c h y is supressed in mass numbers of genetically improved soldiers, but Rebellion forces have proved they are as zealous in thier quest for freedom as their enemies, as the majority of the Midgard sector is under thier control. All that is left for the taking is Terra I. Earth.

From the Monarchy's struggle to maintain peace, all humans receive nano-implants at birth, connecting everyone in an omnipresent force known as the Network. At the head of Monarch power, the barely life-supporting Bifrost IV, dwell the 5 Archminds, masters of this power. All human intelligence is at thier will. But the is not without thier own manipulation of the Network. Powerful nanopsykers control and read the Network with amazing skill. To them the minds of the weak are battlefields, worlds for liberation.

And alongside this war, another rages: The Fate Conflict. At the heart of this are the Evolutionist Waychangers, who's belief is that humanity must move to the next stage of evolution if it is to survive, and the Chromeknight Preservers, who believe that humanity is pure, and must remain as it is, even if this means becming machine.

All of the generations to come shall know conflict.




"The Strife will not end. There will always be opinions, and with opinions are outspeakers. With outspeakers are a n a r c h i s t s . With a n a r c h y is war."
-Grand Monarch Taelis, steward of Olympus XIII





P.S: Don't mind the spaced words.

OK the concept is OK and can pass but my critique is as it is:
1) It's pretty fuzzy, "the storyline" shifts often (which isn't a bad thing I just don't like it now) no clear description of races, which should be somehow distinctive than the rest of it. I mean you emphasize A N A R C H Y but you don't emphasize the Monarchy or the Rebels, so when I read I see Anarchy but can miss other things (BTW this might be also cause I haven't slept enough :P... still :\\ ).
2) More info should be presented. Who is Olimpius XIII? Who is Bifrost IV? What are the ranks ( Grand Monarch Taelis, steward of Olympus XIII). Does this mean Monarch are sub-ordinated to a higher entity. Where does The Fate Conflict takes place? Is it amongst the Monarchy ranks? Do nanopsykers working for or against the Monarchy? Also what is the Realm Crafter engine o_O never heard of it??

OK now I will show you how this could be done (my vision of it ^_^):

Time. What was before? It has all been forgotten. All that matters now is the Strife. The result of the Age of Harmony has become what will be an endless Aeon of war. As humanity's society fell apart, consumed with the insane need for conquest, the Monarchy arose. An organization founded on mass numbers of genetically improved soldiers that kept order across the Galaxy. On the top of its pyramid of power was Monarch. But todays Monarch were mere puppets. True power lied within the Council, that twisted the will of the Monarchs to do as they pleased. But soon a new threat emerged - Rebels. They didn't want to play as the Council decided and asked for the one thing they couldn't have. Freedom. Freedom from Council to be exact.

Of course the Monarchy quickly responded and send few contingent of their forces to stop the rebels and crush their rebelion while it was still fresh. But the cries of freedom proved to be enough to stop the Monarchy's forces and force them into defensive. Now most of the Midgard sector has joined the Rebels in their quest for freedom, and the fires of it slowly advance towards Terra I. Earth.

In one of Rebel terrorist attacks the ruling Monarch Bifrost IV was badly wounded. When the news that the old Monarch might die and that his life was in critical state, most of the crowd didn't even want to hide their happines and were rejoicing. In that moment Council realized that the greatest threat might not come from the rebels but from their own people. Fearing that the crowds will elect another Monarch (since last one had no heir) which will not be so easy to manipulate, they decided to keep the current Monarch Bifrost IV in suspended life-state while they would control the Monarchy in his "absence".

But the will of the people has continued to erupt. Protestes in the streets were now a everyday thing... The soldiers were stretched over the fronts battling with the Rebels, so they couldn't help the Council if a rebelion starts. And then it came to them. Council told the people that a new rebel psi weapon was discovered, a weapon able to posses any humanoid and turn him into a Rebel slave. So in order to "protect" them they forced a law in which every man, woman and child was obliged to have a nano-implant that would protect them from any psi attacks. Most of the people went along this new law, but some protested. They were excommunicated and labeled the nanopsikers.

But the real Council's plan were much more sinister. The nano-implants inserted into the brain weren't there (just) to protect the people. The implant had also a task to synchronize with other nearby implants and raport to the Main Array. But that was only a begining. Once chip is sync with the Main Array it sends and recieves signals directly to and from the Main Array. The signals implant recevied could hypnotize the carrier, control any aspect of its body, make him do almost any thing, or use his brain capacity as Array would instruct. A cluster brain network. Of course the center of it was the Main Array and no one except for the Council knew its exact location.

But then a feud began amongst the Councilmen. They couldn't agree who will first enter the Main Array and initialize the Network. After a struggle in the Council, only few of the Councilmen were able to enter the Main Array and were fused into the Archiminds, controllers and forgers of the mortals will. Still the nanopsikers, remained, despite the Archiminds effort to destroy their hideout. Nanopsikers developed their own psi technology capable of entering human minds and using them against the Network and its throne, the Main Array. For them Network is another battleground were they fight for liberation. (They have no current association with any of war driven parties.)

On the other side of Galaxy a war between Chromeknight Preservers and the Evolutionist Waychangers continue...

You should post this in the "team gathering" or however it's called forum and not in the "story" forum IMO

I must disagree with you BadFurDay, he says . I think someone should see with the moderator about this thread and let them decide wheter or not to move it.

Well, I'm moderator in here, but I won't move it.
This is a story, so it has to stay there.
But if the author's objective was to gather a team, it is in the wrong forum, that's what I meant.

You're the moderator :o What happend to johnfn :( ? I thoguht he was a mod of stories?
Is it possible I missed that??

they r both moderators. I'm just not sure if decadence is still one

First off, thank both of you for your posts.



Lot to say here. First off, Olympus/Bifrost etc are planets. the numeral at the end reffers to the distance to the system's sun in comparison to the others. I actually didn't mean to emphasize anarchy, but my comp blocks questionable content. I had to space it out so it didn't block it. On mah friends comp right now. I should have presented more info. Nanopsykers work against the Monarchy, as they are the Rebellion's invention They train to become psykers, but Monatrchs use a natural control of it, because they well... invented the Network. Monarechs have councils on most worlds, and military structures too. Grand Monarch Taelis is the 3rd highest rank from Archminds, who cannot be replaced unless they die, which is a rare occurance. The Monarch military ranks are almost the same as Rebellion, which are the same as US military ranks today. Chromeknights and Waychangers come from both monarch and rebel backgrounds. It happens on almost all worlds, though mostly on Terra I.

I definanttly like your ideas, especially the Array.

Please go to the science fiction section of arcane-artistry.net for more.

And BadFurDay, I have no current desicison for what it will be, so I'm not looking for a group at the moment.

Cheers!

@Frostfire tnx ^_^ I like the Array to cause array is different word for Matrix :8
@tauren :o You're right I forgot that they were BOTH mods... silly me

One thing I have to say after reading what you said over is it sounds like the Monarchy is evil, while what I orignnally intended were factions both believing what they say is correct. The two main sides have pros and cons. The Monarchy restores good order and peace, even if it requires violating freedom. The Rebellion works for a free humanity, but resorts to t e r r o rism. Stupid chat filter, excuse the spaced word.

UPDATE: Chapter update on arcane-artistry.net science fiction section

Well every good mod has a evil side right o_O? (Warcraft, TToR) Besides you can always alter my story as how you see fit, i don't mind it's your concept :P .

PS. try not to put adresses of other sites someone might accuse you of heresy...ups site advertisement

Alright, I'm thinking of adding a side of outcasts who have developed natural psychic powers after generations of being implanted at birth. These were outcasted by most factions and now hold hatred for everyone. This may change.

Ah, tis a good warning.

UPDATE

Meh I made Monarchy so it would resemble Warhamer 40k Imperia a bit, mixed up some stuff together and voila... My Monarchy while your was rather different. Still the Chromeknight/Waychangers sound good but that would mean that some Rebels and Monarchist cooperate o_O ? In my opinon I would put the C/W in Monarchy as fractions and let them fight. Then their fight would weaken them and then... I got to caried away. Do what you want its your mod.

Haha, no, I like it. But that would mean I need 2 fighting factions in the rebellion. And actually, 40k was something that inspired me. That and the original Star Wars.

Oh, and please do check the update.