| 02-02-2006, 02:17 AM | #1 |
Retreat
I suppose you could say we lost the battle when we refused to listen to the scouts reports, never could the orcs build up like a force like that. But we found out we were wrong, once we heard the kodo stomping and the drums playing... "Retreat!" The words echoed through my head. "Retreat you blasted men, retreat!" I looked over my shoulder, Captain was off his horse waving his sword madly in the air, his other arm was gone. He then began to run, then the archers, then the footmen, then the knights, then lastly the paladins...many of them died, far too rightious for a soldier. "Smith! Either die or start running!" I look to my side, Travis was running, dropped his heavy sword and began taking off his arm and shoulder pads to help him feel lighter. I started running too. "Aye! Im right behind yeh!" I yelled back and started to rip off my helmet. Leaving behind bodies, we started to catch up to Captain. "Sir, do you need help?" But before he could turn around and answer, a spear, thrown from a troll no doubt, peirced his back as he fell hard. Dead. We kept running, passing thrown down bows and arrows, anything to make the running easier. But then I heard it, the mad barking of a wolf, the cry of a monster chasing after us. It goes past me, pouncing on Travis, he's dead. I keep running, I fall. Down into a pit, I gain my breath. My old heart is beating way too fast. I try to calm down. Breathing heavily I hope to the light that I survive, I hear the masacre just beyond my reach above my pit...I try to get up but I pass out... I would have said I wanted to be home, but I have no such place... I wake up, its still night. I climb out of the pit grabbing roots to lift my way out. I see nothing but trampled ground and trees. I look around, no torches, no sign of life, other than the trees I was alone. "Garthok vash tigar bur kek!" Orcish, I can recognize it from their blasted warcries, I turn around slowly to see a orc dressed in all black hiding most of his ugly green skin. He seemed more slender than the orcs I see on the feild...a rogue. I reach for my sword, which isnt there. I tossed it, "Well this isnt a fair fight." I speak even though I know the orc has no knowladge of what I said. "Kek deh!" The orc loudly said as his blade entered my flesh. I was shocked at first, I look down, blood is coming out of the place where the blade penetrates my skin. He twists the blade and removes it. I still feel nothing. Then suddenly it kicked it, I felt such incredible pain, worse than anything Ive ever experienced...I felt as if no paladin could heal my wound. But then I see that I am losing too much blood, I will not recover, the orc laughs as I fall to my knees, he kicks my head in, its the last thing I feel. Leave comments. |
| 02-02-2006, 04:44 PM | #2 |
comment.... Im a big fan of killing the main character, and you did that! so thats a + BUT!!! its to short. i know its a short story but 540 words a far to few words. Try to write more words for the same amount of story you want to write. Because the story was to fast paced, and not in a exstreamly good way. I want to read more though. |
| 02-02-2006, 09:19 PM | #3 |
check more of my stories out, if you go back a page or two you can read my portoflio thread. |
| 02-03-2006, 07:29 AM | #4 |
Ill be sure to drop a comment there to! |
| 02-04-2006, 04:13 AM | #5 |
Hm....would have liked if you dragged out the story a bit more....Much too short for my liking. However, it is still a good story. I like it, but again, I would have liked to seen more writing... |
| 02-04-2006, 06:35 PM | #6 | |
Quote:
Ditto. One problem I have with it is that you killed off people too easily. For example, you killed Travis off in under 10 words. I think when you're gonna do a story like this (that is, where the ending just drops off and the story seemingly doesn't have a point - no offense, it wasn't bad, but there just wasn't a meaning to the story), add some good descriptive detail, since there isn't that much here as far as I can tell. I think you should practice that, since in my opinion it could really help out your writing abilities. Keep trying, you'll get better, I can see it happening. ![]() |
| 02-05-2006, 05:35 AM | #7 |
Oh ya, John, you still owe me some rep, if I remember ![]() |
| 02-05-2006, 03:38 PM | #8 |
i made the story short on purpose. i wanted to make a story showing that not everyone can keep going, sometimes things end a bit short. like life for an example. |
