Darkness Within

04-18-2006, 08:17 PM

As some might know, I won a story contest once at this forum.

Well a few weeks back I made another small story (I like to write small tales) for my latest cinematic called Darkness within.

Don't expect it to be the best of the best only cause I just won one contest, please.
Thank you

Quote:

Darkness within

A dark and robust windy day,
A day in which Foretellers, foretell chaos and Demons, demonize peace.

One quite yet bright day, brought amounts of sun along with some echoing winds in the city of Dorhalh.

"Dorhalh situated between The desert of Aturo and the The woods of Torhala, had been breathing prosper now for over decades.
Economical routes were blessed and People lived wealthy."

Though nature neither man looked disturbed, something was coming.
From the deepest of fears it had been creating its form.
From men and woman who had horrifying dreams or thoughts, it formed itself to a visual creature.
Hidden by a natural skin, it symbolized Fear and Death.

Unnoticed, it began its war path by oozing out Fear and death.
This fear and death was one beyond ones imagination, thereby it killed and left none more than dispear.
The Callousness killing dispersed marks of blood on the keepers, The wise and the Chief.

Noticed by the warriors of the Dorhalh, it began unleashing tads of its power.
Without a scratch, it continued, leaving the warriors nothing more than the time that gravity spent on their bodies.

Silence broke the event.....till footsteps made sound.

Footsteps of one without fear.

Surprised, Fear and Death stood...while the fearless walked.

The only time left was the 90 degrees that the fearless made, and the four words that fear and death made: Thou shalt be killed.

After these events, words got inferior to explanation, and only one proclaimed winner.

04-19-2006, 01:25 AM

johnfn

Pretty good. I liked the end especially: I was worried you were going to end in a common cliche, but you proved me wrong. Thanks :D

Other then that, I think that you might want to get a grammar checker to look through your writing before submitting it because it took me a little bit to understand what you were trying to say. Especially

Quote:

A day in which Foretellers, foretell chaos and Demons, demonize peace.

That should probably be

Quote:

A day in which Foretellers foretell chaos, and Demons demonize peace.

The misplacement of commas was really throwing me off.

There were also some descriptions that didn't seem to fit at all (like 'oozing out Fear', 'visual creature', ect)

Other then the grammar mistakes, I think that your idea could have used more development: it sounds like a back of the book description instead of the real thing. But keep on writing! :)

04-19-2006, 03:09 AM

Undead_Lives

'Twas ok. Grammar mistakes appeared a lot, won't mention them all. But things like woman instead of women, are really simple, yet noticable mistakes.
I personally didn't like the description of "Fear and Death" at all. I thought it was like you didn't know how exactly to describe it.
One more thing, Fear and Death does not make words. It says them.
Unless it makes it by mouthing it or whatever, you should specify this.

04-19-2006, 10:34 AM

Hemlock

I will try to get to grammer it up a notch, as well as remove some spelling issues, I kinda forgot to do them.

Johnfn:
I will consider the oozing out fear, though I personally like that line.

That it sounds like a back of a book, is because I don't write long stories, same with Red Horizons this once more is short. I think that it sounds rather shorter since the timespan of the story is just one day and Red Horizons displays a set decades on timespan.

Undead_Lives:
To say "you make alot of grammer errors" is not real rellevant information, if you see grammer issues, than state them out, so I can see them and perhaps learn from them.

Since the creature has no name it has an intention, the intention rapidly displayed its name, which is fear and death, same as the fearless.

Fear and death does not make words indeed, its makes a word, a name to be exact.

If I were to specify it, the mystery would vanish from the story, and that is what is central in this story.

04-19-2006, 11:24 PM

Undead_Lives

Well, you asked for me to point out your errors. Here they are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Warnicro

Darkness within

A dark and robust windy day,
A day in which Foretellers, foretell chaos and Demons, demonize peace.

One quite yet bright day, brought amounts of sun along with some echoing winds in the city of Dorhalh.

"Dorhalh situated between The desert of Aturo and the The woods of Torhala, had been breathing prosper now for over decades.
Economical routes were blessed and People lived wealthy."

Though nature neither man looked disturbed, something was coming.
From the deepest of fears it had been creating its form.
From men and woman who had horrifying dreams or thoughts, it formed itself to a visual creature.
Hidden by a natural skin, it symbolized Fear and Death.

Unnoticed, it began its war path by oozing out Fear and death.
This fear and death was one beyond ones imagination, thereby it killed and left none more than dispear.
The Callousness killing dispersed marks of blood on the keepers, The wise and the Chief.

Noticed by the warriors of the Dorhalh, it began unleashing tads of its power.
Without a scratch, it continued, leaving the warriors nothing more than the time that gravity spent on their bodies.

Silence broke the event.....till footsteps made sound.

Footsteps of one without fear.

Surprised, Fear and Death stood...while the fearless walked.

The only time left was the 90 degrees that the fearless made, and the four words that fear and death made: Thou shalt be killed.

After these events, words got inferior to explanation, and only one proclaimed winner.

1. A dark, robust, and windy day.
Or- A dark, and roubustly windy day.
List your adjectives.

2. One quiet, yet bright day,
Spelling error, also need a comma.

3. the desert of "Blabla" and the woods of "Blargh"
A capital "the" should only be used in a title or the begining of a sentence.

4. one's
Here it is possesive, which needs an apostraphe.

5. "none" should be replaced with nothing.

6. made a sound. Or better yet, "footsteps were heard."

7. Replace "got" with became.

8. I'm pretty sure it should be "only one could be proclaimed winner"

If I missed anything it's cause I was too bored to go further.
Also, I didn't put in the "woman" one because I already mentioned it.

04-20-2006, 05:41 AM	#6
Hemlock	Thank you Undead_Lives =) I will try to edit the story as soon as possible

04-21-2006, 01:10 AM	#7
Undead_Lives	No problem, if you want give rep :P (just kidding...well not really :P) Anyways, I actually had the time to go through it all so I decided that I would.