| 04-23-2006, 10:40 PM | #1 |
Since I posted my last poem and was met with great C & C, I decided to post some more. Note: These are OLDER poems. I write better now. Anyways, here they are. (all Untitled) NOTE: Most of it is ramblings. So please, I don't want a hundred (ya, right lol) comments about "it doesn't make sense" What will the new day bring In the valley of the spring? Of life, of living, of everything Eternal. Even if it all goes astray There will alwas be a way It will come to an end, some, today, Death. People complain about their disablility To solve it, they believe in an entity. Soon, they finally find, destiny Awaits. People will be kind and call you "bro" But they have never sunk so low. So, they will truly never know, You. --------------------------------------------- can you see the worlds fright, can you see the blight and look it's the night can you spread that fear, can you drop a single tear, can you hear? darkness is in us all it's like a rolling ball it's bound to fall and when it does you can say that you lasted another day that you weren't away I'm all alone in here I can taste the fear in my hearts a spear I've lost all my hope I don't think I'm on dope but I need to moap I've been able to just sink, and have some drink, and be on the brink don't know what is happening to me I still can see but I am not free ---------------------------------------------------- can you see what I see, what I feel can you see me where I sit and pretend that it will all end and I can fit and deal. can you find wat I find in others can you find me when I'm lost and gone cause I'm drawn to the cost of mothers. can you live the way I live and still be alive can you live without me and find the real me where as I can see even though I'm blind and still strive. (Did this one while experimenting with rhyming schemes) ----------------------------------------------------- even a blind man can see, and he's the only one who can set you free. even a deaf man can hear, and he will always keep it clear. ------------------------------------------------- So there you go, that's all I'm releasing, C&C is welcome. |
| 04-24-2006, 10:52 PM | #2 |
You're so close... you're really close to greatness in a lot of your poems. You have some brilliant ideas going, but then you have a habit of smashing them to pieces by choosing a terrible rhyme. Don't take any offense, because I think if you did freestyle rhyme and just let it flow like you tried to do here you could do some awesome stuff. As of now though, they just seem sort of sloppy and disjointed. Still, it seems like you've got a ton of great ideas to put in a poem (the whole "can you see what I see, what I feel" was a particularly good one), just work a little bit on perfecting the execution and you'll do great. 6/10 from me. |
| 04-26-2006, 04:18 AM | #3 |
Most of these poems I was experimenting with rhyming schemes, and the first one I added in a little side note :P |
| 05-02-2006, 01:18 PM | #4 |
Eternal - Death - Awaits - You, eek ! I like the last one the most! |
| 05-05-2006, 04:32 AM | #5 |
Ya the last one I made up kinda on accident.. hehe... |