Liars don't tell (poem)

Made it yesterday, since a few months.

I write poems now for about 6 years, though there were years that I did not write a single on of them, I estimate to have written around the 100.

Hope you like it

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I don't wanna walk...out that door,
gotta stop hurting him, even though I want more and more.

I see him die a little more inside,
everytime I go on out till late at night.

Hanging with the girls, so I lied,
but he already knew what it implied.

Still, he is more than a man to me,
but all I can see, is my glee.

He reluctantly copes with the way I live
Frankly, more than cheating I cannot seem to give.

I don't wanna do this anymore,
I should walk out that door.
This man deserves better,
I wil write him my goodbye letter.

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Doesn't invoke any feelings in me. It's more like some pop song performed by R-Kelly or some other black woman.

"Dun wanna walk - out that door.
Woah woah, gotta stop, hurting him, even though I want, more and more.
I see him die a little mo' inside, everytime I go out till late at ni-i-ight.
Whoah whoah whoah!
Hanging out with the girls, or so I lied, but he already knew what it impli-i-ied.

*bass+drums+funky dancemoves*

Still, he is more a man to me (chorus) To meee.
But all I can see, is my glee. (my gleeee.)

Whoah whoah whoah whoah!"

.... Anyways, you get the picture. Not my cup of tea.

I see, but why comment when more than cracking of does not invlove in your comments?
I kinda feel your post is irrelevant since I cannot really spot any construtive critism other than the first line which is kind off a harsh way to put it.
Critism is essential, but making a lyric out of my poem is kinda making me look like a fool , but I do thank you for the time you took to write such things like you do.

I'm sorry if you think I was ridiculing you, I just said that I didn't get any feelings from that poem. It was just like some block of text with no meaning to me. But hey, I could be wrong.

What Dominant's trying to say is that it wasn't powerful enough. How do you make it more powerful? Well that's the sign of a truly talented writer, no?

Now, a few things.

1. Inside and night don't rhyme. You had a rhyming scheme, stick to it.
2. This line made no sense:
Why would you be sorry if you're happy?

3. This line doesn't sound good.
Replace that with:
"Frankly, a cheating soul is all I have to give."
(replace soul with whatever you want, "heart", "mind", etc)

4. You missed an "l" on the last line. It's will, not wil.

5. Going back to the second line, you can leave out the "and more" and it'll be better.

Well, I think that's enough. It's decent though.

I sort of like it. The flow is choppy at times, however. Undead_lives got most of my problems. Glee is one word in your poem that just bothers me; it seems like it's only used to rhyme with words easier and just sounds cheesy almost wherever it's used.


I like the last paragraph the best, but I think it could have been better like this:


I think the second line written like that preserves the flow of the paragraph; it has a nice little rhythm to it.

5/10

(Don't feel bad, in my grading system, unlike most schools, 5 is average)

None take, it takes a whole lot of experience to write real good poem, and as a matter a fact weather someone likes your poem or not, depends on the person itself, one could be good in my eyes yet bad in others.

Although I will not change my poem other than the spelling errors, (this due to the fact that I rather keep them in my original style "my oppinion :)") I thank you for both your crits on my poem