The beast in the cellar

Right, this story, I write about 1 1/2 years ago for school. I was 13 then, am 14 now. The teacher thought it was so good she asked if I had had a tutor to help write it (which I didn't, so made me happy). It is a short easy to read story, and will not get booring. Read it and tell me what you think!

The Beast In The Cellar

It was a hot, sunny day in Cornwall and Jake was sitting on the edge of a low wooden pier with his friends Christie and Bill. “I hope the weather lasts”, bill said. “I doubt it, but either way, lets make the most of it” Christie replied. “Well we can’t swim, the red flag’s up”, Jake continued. The sea was quite rough, waves were splashing their feet as they sat a meter above the sea and stared out into the horizon, with the glow of the setting sun. “It’s starting to get late”. Bill was quite alert, noticing things before others. “We still have a couple of hours”, Jake replied. Jake was quite optimistic, always seeing the better side of things. “That abandoned house – how long has it been there? ”. Christie was very curious and inquisitive but she was the cleverest of the three (probably because she asked a lot of questions). “Donkey’s years, probably”, Bill said. “We’ve never really known much about it”, Jake continued. “I’d like to know what’s in there”, Christie said. “Why not find out? ”, Jake replied. “I hope your not implying what I think you are,” Bill argued. “Well, it’s two against one”, Christie said. Christie was also quite stubborn and could be bossy.
They arrived at the house but the door was boarded up. “Lets go round the back” Jake said. They went round the back and the back door was not boarded up but locked from the inside. Jake took of his shoe. “What are you doing that for?” Christie asked. “You’ll see”. Jake smashed a windowpane on the door. “We shouldn’t be doing this”, bill said, worryingly as Jake reached through the empty square gap where the glass had been and opened the door. He might as well have talked to the door because they didn’t listen and if they did, they wouldn’t care. The door squeaked open as Jake pulled it.
“Ok, lets find out what’s in here, then Christie” Jake said. Bill frowned. “This kitchen looks pretty normal”, Christie said, disappointedly. She had probably been expecting something spooky or very large. “Cool!” Jake shouted from the hallway. He was standing at the top of some stairs leading down to the basement. “We’ll need a torch,” Christie said. “No need to” Ben replied, pressing a light switch. He seemed to be getting less worried and wanted to explore too, now. The basement lit up. There was dozens of boxes and pieces of idle junk. “What do you think we can scavenge?” Jake asked. “There might be something that’s worth a bit down here” bill said excitedly. “Lets find out,” said Christie, already walking down. The others followed up close. There was a loud creak. Then a snap. Then the whole of the stairs shattered beneath them. They fell from about 3 meters up the stairs and luckily, no one was hurt but then they looked back up at the door to the basement.
It was 4 meters above with no way of getting to it. “Lets search anyway” Jake said. “No, we should try to get out” Christie said angrily. But then, another shadow appeared on the floor. They were not alone. They turned round and stared up to see that in the doorway back to the hall, a monstrous beast with flaming horns and huge knife-shaped claws stood there, 2 meters high, growling. The kids froze, and then started to walk backwards, very slowly, through fright. The monster jumped down from the high up door without even feeling anything when he landed. He roared loud. Then Jake ran, followed by the rest and the beast followed them. It caught up with them and decided that Jake’s head would look better without he’s neck. He sliced it of with one of the huge claws and then chased the other two. He caught up with Christie, cut off her limbs then snapped the rest of her in half and twisted off her head. There was a window at the end, Ben picked up a heavy book and threw it at the window, shattering it, and started to climb through but was pulled back and thrown onto the floor. The beast wanted to make the most out of this kill so he started to prepare himself, as if a warm-up for a sport. Bill took he’s chance and ran to the window, leaping through it and landed a low pavement area outside. The monster climbed through, with a bit more difficulty and stared him in the eye. Then it spoke. “If you kill me, your friends will be brought back to life”.
Ben had more confidence now. He walked back, ready to do what was necassary and felt a metal pipe behind him. He pulled it loose from the guttering and held it in is hands, ready to try his hardest to kill it. The beast laughed and made the gesture of running his claw along his throat as to say that Ben would be next. But Ben would not be next, whilst the monster gestured with he’s claw, Bill whacked the piped into the monsters hand, and the claw when right through its neck and out the other side. It fell and disappeared. In its place, Jake and Christie got up from the floor.
“Wow, you did it,” said Jake. Ben was surprised at himself. “No one will believe this, we might as well keep it to ourselves” said Christie. They all looked a little disappointed but agreed. “At least its over and we’re all safe” Jake replied, with a smile. “we should go home, its late now”, Ben reminded. And so they did.

The characters are very lacking in detail and emotion, as well as motive and thought.


I don't think you can break glass with a shoe, or that the hole when you brake the glass would be a square. Unless all the glasses had fallen out which is hard to do with one strike of a shoe.
The characters also don't have much motive to go to the house in the first place. The electricity would probably be shut off if no one lived in the house.


I didn't really understand that.


I don't think a savage beast would have much thought to stop and stretch up and let the kid get away.


Rahrahrah I'm going to kill your 3 friends with relative ease and savagry with no apparent motive! Now you, an unarmed kid have a chance that I will give you to kill me, after I just easily took you down. And in your victory, I will go surgeon and telekentically pull back all the limbs of your fallen friends.


A metal pipes are usually found in cement areas next to basements for no reason I suppose.

Errr, whenever you see something like that, a wizard did it!