The Corruption

Hurray, another story... yes, another story. This story is about the corruption of Aldos Brightwing, sortof... The story kinda talks as if you never heard of warcraft lore nor have you even heard of it (sortof)...

Chapter 1:
Awakening
Aldos Brightwing was a hard worker though he is from a different universe on a strange planet called Azeroth. The time is just after the third war that devastated his race and shook the planet.
Aldos was one of the Quel’Dorei, also known as High Elves. After the annihilation of his race during the third war, they have renamed themselves the Sin’Dorei, or Blood Elves. The Sin’Dorei spoke in a tongue known as Thalassian.
It was one summer’s eve and Aldos was running errands in the half rebuilt Silvermoon City. Silvermoon City was once a proud hub of the magical community, but in the third war, the rampaging undead armies of Arthas Menethil, dubbed Death Knight Arthas, came and destroyed Silvermoon City in an attempt to use the magical sunwell that was in the city to resurrect their leader’s fallen lieutenant Kel’Thuzad, which sadly succeeded. Now, Silvermoon City is only half rebuilt. While he was running errands, Aldos came across a strange corridor in the Farstrider District. Being a curious elf, he carefully crept into the corridor and found a chamber within. In that chamber he found a strange creature chained. It was made of large glowing segmented pieces, which hovered and were cracking.
Aldos began to hear voices, like people whispering into his ears. He looked around, but he found no one else inside the room, save the strange creature. The voice said, “Help me,” in a hoarse, weak voice. Aldos crept closer and closer to the creature, and the whispering got louder and louder and he came closer. He crept close enough to the creature that he was one foot away.
Aldos reached out and touched the creature. He became consumed in a bright light and searing pain. He felt a pain searing up his arms to his face like someone was etching into his skin with a white-hot iron bar. He fell and lost conscience.
Aldos awoke, dazed and confused. He felt, different. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt different, stronger. He got up and looked around. He saw that he was in fact no long inside Silvermoon City, but somewhere inside Eversong Woods, a large forest that surrounds Silvermoon City…

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Don't bother bumping, Secret, because this is a slow-moving forum, so don't expect any feedback right away. Give it time and you'll get your criticism and all. In other words:

Don't bump.

Hmm... This is from the timeline of the first Warcraft? Or am I halucinating? (If I can't spell that right, then...)

this is after tft! not even close. Its wc3 lore friendly

Guh?!? I really thought that this was before/during the first of the series...

Oh well. Now that that's cleared up, what do you plan on doing this with story of yours? (Honestly, I appreciate the fact that you decided to stray from the "bogus" of WoW- although that's not saying much because I have no idea what I'm b-sing. X_X)

meh, not much planned for it

*casts raise thread*
this story is continued. The plot has been finished, I shall update soon.
Chapters to be posted:
2:Secrets
3:The Eye
4:Malfunction
5:Danger
Chapters to be finished soon:
6:Emergency
7:Corruption
8:Corruptor
9:Ritual

I've finally got my act together and got you the new, the revised, CHAPTER 1.
Chapter 1:
Awakening

He peered out the door and the golden-red sky filled his eyes. The sun was starting to set, and Aldos Firewing could hear his master, "Aldos, you lazy wretch, I need my bow before twilight... which gives you about, NO TIME LEFT TO DAWDLE," his master said as he slammed the door shut as he pushed Aldos forward. Aldos looked at the setting sun longingly and wished that he could be there with the sun, traveling across the world quelling anger and fear. He looked to the horizon, through the large, red and gold spires and towers, he could see a great building that towered above the rest, the Sunspire, where the bow his master wanted was. The sunlight caused the Sunspire to cast an illusion on Aldos, for it had a reddish aura which gave it the appearance of being on fire.
Aldos was an especially tall blood elf with pointy ears and luminous blue eyes, but unlike his kin, he was born without the ability to manipulate mana, the basic unit of magical energy. Because of his handicap, he was thrown into a life of servitude, where he was used and treated like dirt. However, he had a susprisingly sympathetic gaze for someone who has been treated in such an ill manner. He cared for all and tried to make right out of all wrong, but his compassion tended to get him in trouble with the apathetic magisters, who cared only of finding new sources of magic to tap dry. As Aldos walked through the streets of the city, known as Silvermoon City, he saw saw many of the scoundrels and low-lives who hid in the alleys, shooting up with dangerous essences, and he could see the glow of their reddish-green eyes and their gaunt gray faces watching him as he passed. His trek through the city required him to pass through the many districs of glamorous, yet empty, city. With all of Silvermoon's towering buildings, there were not too many inhabitants, due to many were driven insane with the recent shortage of magical essences and fled to the outer, destroyed half of Silvermoon City which lays to the west.
As Aldos traversed through the districts, he passed through the marvelous Farstrider District, where all of Silvermoon's finest magical warriors, the Blood Knights, were trained. All of the buildings were adorned with the typically Blood Elven crest, a crimson shield with a golden falcon with its wings up in the air. Aldos ran through this district, not eager to be taunted by trainees, but as he went, he tripped over a rock and went flying forward and fell on his face. He looked up and saw a shadowy building, with a corridor that went underground. To Aldos's suprise, it didn't bear the Blood Elven crest either. Curious about what was inside, he slowly crept in, and traveled down the corrider. The walls were covered with strips of crimson runes which emanated power and filled the corridor with a dim light. As he traveled down the corridor, the light became dimmer, and the runes became sparse. Slightly down the corridor, he could see a purple-white light flowing into the corridor. As he approached the light, he found himself in a large chamber, covered with neon-blue runes, and in the center, was a strange creature made out of long hovering crystals which rotated around a spherical center crystal.
The creature glowed an powerful, yet still dim purple-white light and had a strange prescence to it. As Aldos neared the creature, he heard indistinguishable whispers in his ear, like someone was right next to him. Taken aback, he looked around, but found himself alone, save the creature. As he got closer to the creature, the whisper became more audible. He was feet away when he knew that the creature was saying, "Help me, please." Aldos got mere inches away from the creature and it started to sound like there was something there speaking clearly right next to him, asking for help. Aldos reached out and touched it, suddenly, Aldos felt sharp pains in his arms, he couldn't see, he heard things coming in and out of his head, he heard stories, he heard sounds, he heard a scream, and collapsed.
Aldos awoke the next day and jumped up in fear, remembering the creature. Aldos quickly became light-headed and collapsed once again. Getting up, slowly this time, he felt a tingly sensation throughout his entire body. Looking down at his arms, he jumped back in fear, covered across his arms were black lines and runes stretching from his finger tips to his face. Absolutely frightened by the events of yesterday and today, he looked around, hoping for someone to explain what happened, but he found himself all alone in the golden Eversong Forest.

Raise Thread... lol
Hmmm, vast improvement. Well done. I really appreciate you revising your draft; it certainly shows that you watch your work well, even if it did take a year. 359 days, I think?

In anycase, I realized some things that you could easily fix...

It sounds a bit odd to use the same word the same way in the same sentence. The complexity loses itself. All you can do here is change your word choice, and it's fine.

"To make right out of all wrongs"... When I say it to myself multiple times, it sounds akward; the "all" is either not in the right place or shouldn't be there at all. Or, perhaps you should rephrase that part of the text? You can even shorten that to more concise words.

Huh? I got lost here for a moment. I think you could rephrase the final portion of this sentence. I think you mean "due to many being driven insane with the recent shortage of magical essences, they fled to the-" and the that final piece at the end doesn't make much sense. You somehow got the comma stuck inbetween outer and destroyed when they do not really cooperate with eachother in describing the destroyed half of Silvermoon that is on the west side. It sounds so awfully strange that I think you should rewrite that part. Maybe something like, "they fled to the outer westward regions of Silvermoon, destroyed by-" whatever it was that destroyed it. Oh yeah, and there's no need to put Silvermoon City, because the reader, by this time, should already be aware that Silvermoon is a city.

You can quickly fix that by just using where. The way it is right now, it sounds like the writer was confused with the main idea of the statement.

I have to bug you about this. The reader knows that Aldos is in a corridor; there is no need to use the word in every sentence. Instead of using it in every sentence, find creative ways to represent the same thing. For example, I can call your corridor a dim hallway or a tunnel, but the reader should know that it's still a corridor. Play around with words, it gives your writing more flavor.

For the next one, I'm going to comment right in the quote:

This paragraph does the same thing that the previous one does: You are using the same word to represent the same thing: creature. The reader knows that it is a creature, so give it colorful representations.

In the last paragraph, you use the same expression twice, "jumped back in fear". That sounds a bit odd, to me. Other than that, everything's fine.

In anycase, it's better than your previous draft.

thanks for your opinion. I haven't updated because I forgot about this thread :/
Well I am now doing something with it. Here is the next few chapters, needs revision I know... Its not as well written as the first (in terms of description and metaphors and needs better dialog)
Chapter 2:
Secret Revealed
Aldos frantically looked around for fellow Blood Elves but found himself alone. He only saw the tree whose leaves were always golden. Looming over the trees was a huge spire known as Sunstrider Spire.
He ran to the spire and as he approached it, he saw a busy cloud of Blood Elven trainees learning the various arts of magic. It was a massive tan spire decorated with the Blood Elven signet and beatuful red glass windows. Stairs wrapped around the spire connected the spire and a floating platform which hovered near the spire. Above the spire, a green crystal floated where a band of energy orbited around. Aldos could have sworn he saw eye looking at him from inside the crystal. As he walked into the spire, he saw a woman, Magistrix Adelphie.
He paid no nerve to her and as he walked by. She felt powerful magic resonating from Aldos causing her to shudder involuntarily.
“Hey you, tall guy,” said Adelphie, for Aldos was tall, even by Elven standards, and was over a staggering 7 feet. “Over here!” Aldos gave an inquisitive look at her and walked over.
“hmm, you call?”
“Damn right I called you! What are you?!”
“What do you mean what am I, I’m a Blood Elf!”
“Don’t play stupid with me boy,” said Adelphie who was clearly losing patience with Aldos. “What gave you your powers?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that while running errands in the Farstrider District, I went down into a chamber and found a strange shackled created hove-“
“What! You found the Naaru? Civilians aren’t allowed in there. How did you get it? There should’ve been strict security there.”
“There was no one there, I just walked in and there it was.”
“Those magisters be damned. Lor’themar will have their magics for this… leaving Mu’ru on his own, who knows what might happen.”
“Mu’ru? You mean that things has a name?”
“Yes, it was a gift from Kael’thas’s exploits on Outland. I’m going to have to bring you to Lor’themar so you can tell him what happened. I’m sure he can make right of this horrible wrong. I’ll explain more about the Naaru to you on the way.” Aldos followed Adelphie to Silvermoon City, and as she said, she explained about the Naaru to Aldos.
“A Naaru is like a vast well of holy energy, anyone who gets energy from it becomes empowered by these holy energies. Alas, Mu’ru won’t willingly give us this energy, we have to take it by force.”
“Take it? When I touched him, he gave me his powers, he was asking me to help him.”
“Help him?! It seems that Mu’ru wanted to use you as a pawn for his escape. Thank the stars that Mu’ru doesn’t posses the strength to escape on his own.” As they continued their walk, the grand walls of Silvermoon towered high above radiating their majest to the elves below. “Finally, we are here. I’ll need to take you to the Sunspire to talk with Lor’themar.” Adelphie led Aldos through the winding streets to the massive spire that towered over 50 feet tall! “In this way,” said Adelphie, gesturing to a small door to the left of the main entrance, “and we will see Lor’themar right away.”

this next chapter makes the jump to Outlands and shows the events that lead up and drive the rest of the story.

Chapter 3:
The Eye
His face showed obvious disdain. He and his comrades looked upon the Eye with great anger and hatred welling up inside them. The Eye was Kael’Thas’s, the leader of the corrupted Blood Elves, citadel where all of his evil plans, demonic and otherwise, come to fuition. His comrades, were a race of hoobed, blue-skinned creatures, known as Draenei, and he was their leader. His name was Velen the prophet. He knew of all before it came to being. Beside him, hovered the mystical D’ore, a Naaru much more radiant than Mu’ru. The Draenish army was a formidable force and caused even Kael’Thas to rack his elites to defend his citadel.
“D’ore, we must quickly break through Kael’s forces, and storm the satellites,” said Velen, referencing the large artificial satellites that hovered above the Eye, “I will take the Exodar, while you take the defenseless Mechanar II.” A light chime signaled that D’ore understood.
Three portals appeared out of nowhere, merely meters away. Through the portals, hundreds of Blood Elven shocktroopers funneled out. D’ore let out a thundering sound and the Draenish army sprung into battle. The powerful Draenei commanders swungs their might Crystal Warhammers slaying many Blood Elves, but the Blood Elven centurions relatiated with shield and sword, with their rangers firing arrows from behind. D’ore gave off an awesome display of power obliterating enemies with cataclysmic bolts of energy. This grevious conflict went of for an hour until the Blood Elves suffered too many losses and had to retreat. However, the Draenei also lost many great warriors as well.
“D’ore, quickly, before they regroup, take Mechanar II,” shouted Velen, “I will have the Exodar in no time at all.”
D’ore knew that that their was some magic nearby that would allow him to travel towards the satellite and capture it. Looking among the fallen bodies was an orb that D’ore was sure would lead him to the Mechanar II. D’ore began to glow even more radiant as the orb began to rise. After a few seconds, the orb stopped floated and D’ore magically teleported into the main chamber of Mechanar II. He hovered his way to generator crystal that lay several meters before him. Looking outside through a nearby orb, he saw the Exodar moving away from the Eye. He knew that Velen was successful in capturing the Exodar…

Next Chapter, Chapter 4: Malfunction

Ok. I made the changes you suggested and added a couple of my own. I improved existing dialog and added a little bit more dialog and made a few events less cliche. Also makes a little more logical sense. Reworded a few things and changes a few details.

Chapter 1:
Awakening

He peered out the door and the golden-red sky filled his eyes. The sun was starting to set, and Aldos Firewing could hear his master, "Aldos, get me my bow before twilight... or don‘t bother returning." His master pushed Aldos out the door and slammed it shut behind him. Aldos looked at the setting sun longingly and wished that he could be there with the sun, traveling across the world quelling anger and fear. He looked to the horizon, through the large, red and gold spires and towers, he could see a great building that towered above the rest, the Sunspire, where the bow his master wanted was. “What in the name of Kael‘thas,” said Aldos, taken aback, “The Sunspire… it’s on fire!” Aldos started to run forward, but he came to a startling conclusion. “It was only an illusion…” said Aldos solemnly. He almost hoped that the spire would burn down, and teach his master’s the folly of their ways.

Aldos was an especially tall blood elf with typical pointy ears and luminous blue eyes, but unlike his kin, he was born without the ability to manipulate mana, the basic unit of magical energy. Because of his handicap, he was thrown into a life of servitude, where he was used and abused. However, he had a susprisingly sympathetic gaze for someone who has been treated in such an ill manner. He was a very caring being, but his compassion tended to get him in trouble with the apathetic magisters, who cared only of finding new sources of magic to tap dry. As Aldos walked through the streets of the city, known as Silvermoon City, he saw many of the wretched scoundrels who hid in the alleys, draining dangerous energies from foreign spheres, and he could see the glow of their reddish-green eyes and their gaunt gray faces watching him as he passed. His trek through the city required him to pass through the many districts of glamorous yet empty city. With all of city's towering buildings, there were not too many inhabitants because many fled to the wrecked eastern half of the city

As Aldos traversed through the districts, he passed through the Farstrider District, where all of the city’s finest magical warriors, the Blood Knights, were trained. All of the buildings were adorned with the typical Blood Elven crest, a crimson shield with a golden falcon with its wings up in the air. However, Aldos ran through this district, not eager to be taunted by trainees. Turning around a corner, he came upon a group of trainees.

“Well, if it isn’t the Ranger Lord’s thrall,” said what appeared to be the leader of the trainees, holding a longsword threateningly.

Aldos ignored him and, not eager to continue 'chatting' with the trainees, headed back around the corner, and entered the first building he came upon. He looked up and saw a shadowy building, with a corridor that went underground. To Aldos's surprise, it didn't bear the Blood Elven crest either. Forgetting about the trainees he was avoiding, he slowly crept in, and traveled down the dark halls. The walls were covered with strips of crimson runes which emanated power and filled the corridor with a dim light. As he traveled down, the light became dimmer, and the runes became sparse. Slightly down the corridor, he could see a purple-white light flowing through a door that was slightly open shining a line of bright light across the halls.. As he approached the light, he found himself in a large chamber, covered with neon-blue runes, and in the center, was a strange object made out of long hovering crystals which rotated around a spherical center crystal.

The object glowed an powerful, yet still dim purple-white light and had a strange presence to it. As Aldos neared the object, he heard indistinguishable whispers in his ear. Taken aback, he looked around, but found himself alone. As he got closer to it, the whisper became more audible. He was a couple feet away when he could understand the whispers, "Help me, please." He was merely inches away from it and it started to sound like there was something there speaking clearly right next to him, asking for help. He reached out and touched it, suddenly, he felt sharp pains in his arms, he couldn't see, he heard things coming in and out of his head, stories, sounds, and finally a scream, then he collapsed

Aldos awoke the next day and jumped up in fear. Looking down at his arms, his face showed expression of being appalled for covering his arms were black lines and runes stretching from his finger tips to his face. Absolutely frightened by the events, he looked around, hoping for someone to explain what happened, but he found himself all alone in the golden Eversong Forest.