The path of the Assassin.

This is a short story I enjoyed writing.

He was standing on the top of a hill, looking down at the blood and carnage going on in front of him. He was an orc, his name was Azhag. He trained in the art on ninjitsu for half of his life, and was a professional at it. Ninjitsu is the art of killing an opponent without being seen or detected. They can use multiple techniques for stealth. One of the best and most used techniques is called the “Haiku Noshita� (The art making an exact image of the artist. This image can: move, talk, and attack. The image can't do any damage at all.)

Azhag was looking at the countless Horde and Alliance face off. Blood was everywhere, and the screams of battle shattered the ears of the weak. Azhag knew that this battle would end if the leader of the Alliance was taken out. He wasn't present on this battle, what a coward Azhag thought. They were surrounded by forest, and nature was even trying to stop the war. The trees started to move, and attack both sides. From the intelligence Azhag acquired, he knew that the leader of the Alliance was deep within the stronghold they had taken over several months back.
Azhag set off, running with ninja speed, towards the stronghold that held the leader of the Alliance. He carried a blade similar to that of the blademasters found in his camp. After hours of travel, he had arrived. The stronghold was huge. The wooden walls were at least fifteen feet high. Inside was the fort, made purely out of stone. Azhag knew that the leader was at the very top.
He pulled out two gloves, with a mandible hook attached, and put them on. This was used to scale the walls. He climbed the walls with such speed, that it looked to be like a hover spell of some sort. Poking his head out just so he could peak, once he reached the top of the wall, he could see three guards. All had heavy armor on, and wielded spears. These three will be easy. He climbed onto the walkway which the guards stood on. Two of the guards were looking in the other direction from Azhag, and one was looking towards the fort. They were all spread apart, as guards should be. Azhag moved his hands as if to cast a spell, and whispered the words “Haiku Noshita�. He then split into two copies of himself. Azhag and the copy were positioned in between two of the guards, and the third was on one of the sides of the guard to his left. The copy moved over to the right, silently, to distract the guard while the real copy of Azhag moved into position to assassinate the guard the copy was about to distract. Azhag moved onto the wall again, and climbed his way over to where the guard had been standing, and unsheathed his blade. The guard looked over to see the copy, and struck at him. The spear went through the copy and it disappeared. Azhag then jumped out from on the side of the wall and jumped onto the guards shoulders. The guard looked up to see the blade of the assassin come down right onto his face.

This alerted the other guards. They came running towards Azhag, and he just looked at them. One of the guards stabbed at Azhag with his spear, but Azhag simply shifted to the left, and evaded the strike. The other guard stabbed at Azhag with his spear, but again missed. Azhag whispered the words “Nonsu Haikato�, and then disappeared. Little did the guards know, it was image of the surroundings around them. They looked around puzzled at what had just happened. Azhag then came out of the image, and struck one of the guards right in the stomach. He then pulled out his blade, and cut the head off the second. Too easy he thought.
He now had clear passage to the fort, and it leader. He ran up to the forts walls, and started to climb up them. He did this with haste. Once he reached the top, he was at a window. Hopefully this could lead him to the man he was looking for. He peaked inside the window to find no guards. He jumped in and landed without making a sound. He looked down the hallway and saw a fork in the passage. He ran down the hallway, and looked down to the right, nothing. He then looked down the left, and saw a door that was highly decorated; it must be the main hall, or the leader's chambers. He ran down to the doors and said the words “Tauki Takosai�, the most powerful ninjitsu technique of them all (Tauki Takosai is the ability to create only one image of the user, which can move, talk, have smells, and attack. This image can actually damage its victims.) Azhag then split into two copies once again. The real copy opened the door to see three guards, and a man dressed in a high rank uniform. Both the copies ran forward, about to kill their opponents. Azhag chanted the words “Tanto Haskitai� and then became invisible. The fake copy yelled out “Haiku Noshita� and became four images of a copy. Within seconds all the guards were slain. Azhag's blade was at the throat of the leader. He whispered to the man “This is what you get for attacking the horde.� It all went black from there.

Hope you enjoyed reading it.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooook.
I give you a 0 for ideas because you used the same exact thing as in the RPs

your total is a solid 20/60

That was the point Xaish. Instead of giving me a small score because I used the same character in the RP, give me a score for the story.

Ideas counts for everything. But ok, without the ideas and word choice scores....
20/40

There.

Am I not allowed to use my character from the RP at all? Is it like forbidden? Is it some unwritten rule or something? Im not trying to bitch, but whatever. You think my story was that bad, I accept critizim. I just want to see other peoples opinion on my story. I really like my character, and I find it odd that I can't use him in a story at all.

Well, it was kind of the fact that you rewrote the exact same paragraph at the beginning. But you can use him, just kind of try to change around some stuff. And why don't you use this story as the intro to the RP?

It has been done. Make sure you don't give this story such a low score because I did something in another thread. This is a better opening to the RP, so I used it. I will be posting more short stories on this same thread, about Azhag's past and what he does.

Will read and comment today

This is real good! Keep going!

He's like the master of assasination.

Character Development: 3/10, Humor 1/5, Writing Skill 13/15, Clearity 6/10, Grammar 3/5, Execution 4/5. Thats 30/50.

Character Development: Well, I don't know very much about the main character, other then he's an assassin and likes to kill stuff which really isn't character development, it's more like physical characteristics.

Humor: There was none, but I gave a point if there's some crazy maniac out there who thinks killing is funny :P

Writing skill: One point from grammar and one point because you didn't double space those paragraphs (remember its my opinion, but I really think the double space helps out readers a lot)

Clarity: Lowered a little because of grammar, and there were some strange things in there, like this:


I think you meant 'him' not 'it', but that works at lowering your clarity score a little. Also, you seem to misuse commas which also lowered the score:
That last one can go either way, but I think it shouldn't be there.

Grammar: Yeah, there are grammar mistakes. Those commas that I mentioned before, some other parts of the story which I haven't bothered to include here (too much), there's also this which I pulled out of thin air:

I think you mean "but again he missed". Yeah, most of the grammar mistakes are small things like these.

Execution: Pretty good overall.

Grammar brings down more then just grammar, so keep it in check. Good story and I'll be waiting for more.

My rating (yay!):

Note: You will be the first "victim" of my new (and more balanced) rating system...

Before you read my rating, know that I use different scales in order to have a global rating out of 100 that takes in consideration all important parts more than the others.

Script: 5/20 — You did not invent most of it

Descriptions: 3/20 — Your descriptions are too short and not worked enough

Imagination: 2/15 — You did not invent most of it

Writing skill: 6/15 — You don't describe enough, you do a lot of errors (no shame, I do a lot too)

Action: 5/10 — The action goes way too fast, if you want to go very fast you can "suggest" the action by describing maybe some holes in the wall or some blood on the floor, but you can't just put "he evaded the attack" and instantly skip to a new action

Humor: 5/10 — I won't penalize you for this

Transposition of the author: 5/10 — You were a lot "inside" the RPG, but not "inside" this story. Take the time to re-read it and imagine the reaction of the people who will read you.

Global rating: 26/100 — Seriously, don't try to tell a story that already has been told, because you made it worse than before. Moreover, your story goes too fast, and uses absolutely no litterary process.

I don't know were you guys got the impression I wrote this story before? If you saw it in the RP, that is because I copied and pasted it onto the RP because it was a better opening. I thought of this yesturday. In the old RP Azhag never did anything like this, so please tell me were I wrote this before?

Also note, this is a short story, so it isn't going to have my best detail and work done into it. It was something I did in an hour.

Another note, as for the character, I invented the character, so I did acually invent most of the ideas and "techniques" done.

Please don't think this is the best I can write, cause it is not. If you want to critize my true writing abilites, critize this story and revive it:
http://www.wc3campaigns.com/showthread.php?t=73800