The Pleasant Universe

This is a remade version of "The Dirty Sky" , which was made by me. It has been greatly improved. I hope you guys like it.

Badfurday, I expect you to READ this!

A Pleasant Universe

It was in the midst of night. The sky, crystal clear, the clouds, not even one across the starry atmosphere. I secretly opened my window, quietly, yet quickly, and I jumped from the window, to the brick red roof of my quiet, sleeping, red paneled house. I sighed in relief and relaxed myself, and lied on the red brick roof, shaded from the sun's disappearance, but lightened by the light of the moon, the pearl that sat in the sky.

I stared at the majestic sky, beginning my trance to the universe. Seeing the twinkles in the cloudless plane. Pondering the suspenseful sky, I opened the gate to the sea of stars. I like to look at the arm of the Milky Way that is visible. It makes me wonder out of the ordinary. Just how big can things get? If we were to meet an organic creature from outer space, as large as the moon, or even the planet itself, what would we do?

I walked into the sea, the luster from the light rippling as I moved through the ocean of clarity. Its waters, clearer then even the diamonds forged from the rocks of the lower earth, larger then all of the oceans of our world put together, but just as mysterious as chaos theory. I gracefully let myself float freely in the crystal water, letting it flow across my face, relieving my body of all of its tension and woes, as they float down into the deep darkness. The nerves in my body cooled, as if they have simmered from the press of discomfort. My legs relaxed, like they have been revitalized.

I pour my mind into the endless, illuminated sea. Clearing my mind, staring into its contents that even the most knowledgeable minds cannot master. Revealing all of my memories, to when I was once a child, to when I first discover the gate that lead to the largest sea of the universe.

I leave the pool of eternal relaxation, and leave it with no regrets. Hearing the stars that fall from the sky, they lead me out of the gate of eternal healing. As I blink, the gate disappears, as the lock that I unlocked with my heart reseals itself, and disperses into the night sky. I smile a smile too unusual to be a smile of laughter, or a smile of evil, but from being relaxed.

Leaving the red roof that where I always find the gate of eternal healing, I go back and jump into my window, entering my room, as I secretly place myself into bed. Within seconds, I close my eyes, and find the pleasant universe that I am so fond of.

Alright, I read the story and have a few things I would like to say.
First, you use way, way too many comma's. Your making each sentance a run-on. Here is an example. In fact I am going to post each sentance that has too many comma's.


Uh? Re-phrase this sentance. Use less comma's. I saw only one area which you should of added a comma. I'll re-phrase it for you.



I have bolded the parts which arn't nessecary. Right after 'yet quickly' you should add a period.


Again, way too many. I have bolded the parts again. After disappearance, you should add a period.


Bolded again.


From now on, I'll just say 'Bolded'. I'll add in other nessecary points as well. This should be re-phrased. Take out a few comma's and add in a period. It is possible to continue a topic, and add a period.


Bolded. This also doesn't make sense. You say the water relieved your body of all its tension and woes, as your bodies float down into the deep darkness? You make it sound like the body was cut up into many pieces, and those pieces floated down the deep darkness. :P


Here is what I would have wrote.




Here is what I would have wrote.



Bolded. Also, you mentioned that you jumped into the window, and entered the room. When you jumped into the window, I got the impression you were entering the room anyways, so why add the 'entering my room' part?

All and all, a good story. Unlike many other members, I don't give ratings, only advice.
Here is your advice. You use way too many comma's, as mentioned in the beginning. Instead of adding so many comma's, break the sentance apart with a period. Don't be affraid to add in a few words to make the sentance more interesting, like I did on a few sentances. As you can see, I added a few more words which made the sentance longer, and more understandible. You are very good with spelling, but you lack in sentance structer. Try to work on that. Here is a tip I learned, which improved my writing a lot. When you are finished writing the sentance, read it out loud. If it sounds weird, chances are you have made a mistake.
Enjoy!
~Azhag~

Don't worry. While writing the story, I realized that there were too many commas, but I was tired and didn't want to rephrase the sentences.

It's not really a story, but more like expressions on how this person sees the universe in their eyes.

Even on expressions, you should be aware of your grammar. Good job, but try not to be lazy. A great writer will get tired, but will never get lazy.
~Azhag~

I was trying to be lazy???

Thanks for the advice, but I didn't want to make a sentence a few words long. Like two or three words, unless someone is talking.

Um... I think you missed the point...



I meant this in a spiritual way. lol.

I'll get rid of those un-needed commas and do some rephrasing, later, I have to go to sleep.

Oh, sorry about the lazy part, I was day dreaming. :P

When your writing, you have to make what your trying to say pretty obvious to the reader. Obviously I didn't get that that was a spiritual thing, so I "corrected" it.
To make the sentance more understandible, you could of wrote it like this.



Though again this sentance is not exact because of the extensive use of comma's. Just to give you an idea, this is how I would have written it.


I have two periods in this sentance.

Also, try not to use the same word over and over in the same sentance. This makes it sound repetative, and harder to read.
~Azhag~

Actually, you sinned yourself because you used tension twice in the two sentances. Try never to use the same adjective more then once in a paragraph.

Here's what I would have done...


Also, your subject to my extensive grading scale! Dun dun DUNN!! You better be scared. ;)

Writing Skill 12/20

The overuse of commas plagues your writing. Your trying to be metaphorically descriptive here, but it's not really working. Try to divide up your sentances more. And pay attention to what Azhaq said.

Character Development 4/15

4 points for character personality, 0 points for physical descriptions. There are no physical descriptions, so...yeah. The personality is OK. Maybe it's just me who doesn't like the laid back type thing, I dunno.

Creativity 6/10

Seems to have a few cliches, but I shouldn't take off that much here.

Descriptions 9/15

I'm giving you this much beacuse you tried so hard. The commas break up the smooth style of the work and make it choppy. But the descriptions themselves are pretty good. It's just how they read that mess them up.

Grammar 5/10

I don't want to take off too much for the commas, because I've already taken off a lot for them. Just sometimes when you feel like using a comma, just use a period instead, and start a new sentance.

Flow 4/10


Where did this sea come from?? It didn't even get mentioned up until now =-/


Huh? You never mentioned a gate before this, either. This really disrupts the flow, along with that other anomaly.



Tilt 11/20

Nice try. Try to stop overusing commas, and try to character develop a lot more then you did here.

Overall 60/100

Nice johnfn, but you try and find another word for tension. :P
Sometimes, it is alright to use it more then once, but not over use it. I have seen really well written books use the same word twice in the same sentance. If you must, make it in a way, so it doesn't sound repeatative. When I was writing that sentance, I was trying to figure out a way to make it not sound repeatative. I was trying to keep the mood he had developed into account. But hey, thats just me. :P

So, if you don't want to read my boring post, here is the conclusion.
It is acceptable to use the same word in the same sentance twice, if you have to keep the mood.
~Azhag~

Anxiety XD

If you say something like "He ran and ran and ran" and your stressing the fact that he really ran, then it's acceptable. But yeah.

Blah, blah, blah, that's what it sounds like what you guys are saying. :P

I know that I used too many commas, geez, no need to say more of it. And stop revising and that leave that to me. It's my confidentality, but I really like the advice, just stop saying that there are too many commas when I first noticed that when I wrote this in the first place.

Yes, yes, you guys are just helping, but sometimes your guys' help goes a little past the limit to where you should be helping, and where you should not be.

You've used too many comma's :P

Help is good.
A lot of help is good.
An overdosis of help is good.
JohnFN and Azhag are bad.

Lol. I do use too many commas. That is messed up. :D

Four commas in two sentences.
EDIT: Oh well, I guess I've realized something:

I have an issue with commas. :P

Nah, to be honest, I don't actually think, that you really, really, really, use too many comma's. You see, using, a LOT, comma's, is more something uh, like this.
Would you, and only if you would, hear me talk, then you'd use, a lot, of comma's as well.

Though you should know, that you should take most I say here, as a pinch of salt.

Good example. :P

Well, it isn't THAT bad.

That's two sentences with... I think about ten and even more commas. lol.

You should hear my "uh's" :P